Spotted on FB

Great, that's all we need. Karens being told that God is on their side to give them more confidence.

AirPods Was Stressed.

AirPods was stressed.

So was Traffic Barrel.

Ambulance smirked through his dizziness.

Towel Rack Brackets were all befuddled.

Elevator Button said, "Ooooo girl, WHO DID YOUR HAIR"

(thanks, Emily Kane!)

Potbelly Stove said the same thing.

Minion Balloon hung out with his three friends.

Office Smoke Detector swallowed a power pellet and chased some ghosts.

Old Fence Posts marched against blacks, hispanics, Catholics and mixed marriage.

Two Trashcans and A Sidewalk winked at me.

Light Switch and Doorstop acted all crazy.

And Traffic Partition asked Senator Ruth Martin, "Tell me, Senator: did you nurse Catherine yourself? Toughened your nipples, didn't it? Amputate a man's leg and he can still feel it tickling. Tell me, mum, when your little girl is on the slab, where will it tickle you?"

When Life Throws You Nickelback, Make Nickelbackade.

Nickelback's new album "Dark Horse" is out, and we at EADJ decided to review it. But instead of exposing ourselves to all 11 tracks of Chad Kroeger's output, we decided to get individual track reviews from 11 Toucan Cleric's Funsters. Folks were asked to review their respective tracks in three short sentences. Some people don't listen.


Track 1. Something In Your Mouth (3:38) reviewed by Matt S

A haiku:

Singing about whores,
Candlebox can do that too
Tools from Canada.


Track 2. Burn It To The Ground (3:31) reviewed by Larry K
"Kind of disappointing since I usually like Nickelback. Like almost every Nickelback song, it had the requisite lyrics about boozing, women, partying and use of the word "shit" twice, but lacked the sing-along-with-the-radio quality of their older stuff. And at least when Andrew WK does songs about nothing but debauchery, they are fun and only last 1:30. This song was too ordinary to care for 3:31."


Track 3. Gotta Be Somebody (4:13) reviewed by Tom Weingard
"Chad “The Freddy” Kroeger notes mid-song that ‘everyone wants to know they’re not alone.’ I beg to differ, Chad, because I think people DO want to know they’re alone, particularly when they’re taking a dump. I know this one time I was dropping the kids off at the pool and some rapscallion peeked his head over the stall and spat a lugie on top of my head."


Track 4. I'd Come For You (4:22) reviewed by Lorraine
"Despite its potentially sexually charged title, 'I'd come for you' remains in sync with recent Nickelback hits. Following a similar melodic pattern and tune as previous work, the song conveys just how far they would go for the person they love. Sweet and simple, it hits the musical spot without asking the listener to really consider much deep thought behind the lyrics."


Track 5. Next Go Round (3:45) reviewed by Joanne S
"Big fan of the metal influence, especially with the longer intro. I would be troubled by the lyrics until you remember that it's Nickelback and all "rock" bands sing about sex -- either how they're having it, they want more of it, or they are too f*cked up to get it up."


Track 6. Just To Get High (4:02) reviewed by Craig C
"You'd have to be high to like this song about the perils of getting high. This song is perfect to alienate your meth addict fan base. If your a Nickelback fan, please O.D."


Track 7. Never Gonna Be Alone (3:47) reviewed by Barry
"Fact: Nickelback is at their angry best when they want to kick your ass (“Never Again.”) That’s why this miserable attempt at a ballad – an overheated, vapid ode to the importance of stickin’ with your lover – is about as depressing and emasculating as seeing Kimbo Slice appear on “Dancing With The Stars.” However, Mutt Lange’s signature polish, complete with liberal doses of 12-string guitar, will be enough to make this a staple at Gen Y proms next May."


Track 8. Shakin' Hands (3:39) reviewed by Bowen M
"It's amazing. Just amazing. I almost makes me wish I were White Trash."



Track 9. S.E.X. (3:55) reviewed by Beth Stone
"S - So helpful if you need a mnemonic device for spelling your favorite physical activity
E - Evocative of 80s hair metal bands, with a punchy pop beat; one can't help but swing their hair wildly to the opening chords and following melody
X - Xtremely likely this is what Angelina and Brad play while fornicating and roleplaying as their Mr. and Mrs. Smith characters."


Track 10. If Today Was Your Last Day (4:08) reviewed by Brynn
"It sounds like today is his last day. This song is not awe-inspiring it just has all the cheesy inspirational quotes squeezed into a solitary song. It sounds exactly like all their other songs, boo that."


Track 11. This Afternoon (4:34) reviewed by Katie H
"While this is not a song I would purchase on Itunes I can see it being
popular in the pop genre. It sounds a lot like a poppy version of "Photograph" with different story but along the same line (if that makes sense). This band confuses me in the way as to what direction and fan base they are going for? The poppy Z100 listeners or true rock and roll lovers? On a scale of 1 - 10 (being the Best) I would rate this a 7."

Two More Rolly Wrap Converts

Wednesday was the initiation of both Lorraine and Beth into the Club of People Who Have Eaten the Rolly Wrap (current known members– about 4). The Rolly Wrap lunch was arranged after one girl's interest was piqued after reading the EADJ blog entry and the other one needed to get her mind off her crippling, relentless addiction to painkillers and black tar heroin.


Amazingly, Beth admitted to never having eaten at Old Bridge Deli in the year or so that she worked next door. Lorraine was amazed and enchanted at the upstairs dining area, which seriously features two zen fountains and two fully-equipped conference rooms (?!?!?!). Shit, I forgot to take a photo of those. Next time.

Here are Beth and Lorraine's reviews of their respective Rolly Wrap experiences:


Beth:

Despite the confusion over the appropriate pronunciation of "Rolly"(like the NC capital or rhymes with "poley"?), the result of my experience is clear: Rolly Wraps are soft, satisfying, satiating, and savory. Their turd-like appearance belies the gooey goodness within. I would recommend this doughy delight to friends and family. On the sprinach/squasage satisfaction scale, I'd give it two thrumbs up.


Lorraine:

The Rolly Wrap held true to its name, like a mini stromboli made personally for me. It was steaming hot, cheesy deliciousness that really hit the spot. Although I do think there could be a broader selection (such as a chicken cheesesteak Rolly Wrap), the hand held meal was a tasty mid-week treat. The only other thing that could have enhanced the experience would have been to book a conference room in advance to the right of the Zen garden for a more personal experience. One and a half thumbs up.

Love,
Lorraine

Their glowing write-ups, however, would stand for only a short time. About an hour after lunch, Beth sent this via IM:

---------

And on a follow up note, my stomach is now making noises that sound a lot like cookie monster slowly enunciating "rooooooollllllyyyyyy"

my stomach is acting adversely.
it's rejecting the rolly.
it's alternating nosies of "awwwooooogggaaaa" and "weeeeeee"

the problem is my nose is really stuffy
so i want to blow my noise
but i'm afraid that will set off a chain reaction of other things

---------

Beth would later report some difficulty in the ladies' room, describing the ordeal as "like pushing a potato through a kazoo*."

No complaints about gastric events were heard from Lorraine. Maybe because she was already lost in the intoxicating world of painkillers and black tar heroin.


*Her words, not mine.**

**Not really.

RELATED NOTE: Some crap blog named Midtown Lunch has published their own review of Rolly Wraps here. You'll see that it was dated 9/10/08, whereas EADJ's first posting of this delicacy was on August 20. Scoop scooped, motherfuckers!

ANOTHER RELATED NOTE: As promised, here is the exchange I had on Sept 25 with that random girl in line over how mesmerizing the Rolly Wrap making process was.



I didn't mean to creepily point the camera at her toes. Just wanted to record audio.

Meanwhile, During the Conference Call...

Click for the larger, frameable version.

A Gross Mystery. Part 2: Gross Harder

As of this writing, those nasty finger or toenails are still on Beth's office floor.


For comparison's sake, here's Lorraine's nails:


And an attempt was made at a meeting to capture Beth's. This proved very challenging because Beth talks with her hands all the time. Annoying.


But we finally got a shot.


Joanne (not pictured yet) thinks somebody came in and clipped their nails in Beth's office. Others (me) think Beth did. Tom has a third theory:

"They might have been there since she moved in, depending on how often they vacuum around here."

To further add to the confusion, here's a picture of an apple in the toilet:


What do you think, faithful EADJ reader?

**Sort of update**

Tom: "i just went up to bstone's and realized it would be weird for her to clip her nails in her office's guest chair, thus all but ruling out beth as a possible suspect"

A Gross Mystery.

This is Beth's desk.


And this is the area in front of Beth's desk:





So I told Beth about the toenails or fingernails in front of her desk. And she said, "They're probably Lorraine's. She bites her nails a lot."

But here's Lorraine:


So what the fuck?

Client Feedback Time!!!!!!

Poor Tom.