Terrifying

The horror!

The ProofrEADJer: End of February Edition

Things That Almost Sound Like Hip Hop Artists But Aren't

Juicy Juice

Strep Group B

Iced Coolatta

Money Transfer

Lower Lumbar

Public Library

Diagonal Line

M.C. Escher

Wild Postings

Monistat 7

Base Jumping

AMC Theatres

Gold Bond Powder

Black Forest Ham

TCP/IP

Easy Bake Oven

WD-40

B2B Advertising

44 Long Tux

Lhasa Apso

Some Ways That Aggressive Glass & Mirrors Drums Up Business

 

• They throw a brick through your front window and say "tsk tsk tsk."

• They hire a goon to come smash the shit out of your mirrors. And he takes the seven years bad luck because he ain't no snitch.

•  They run over your dog and make some clumsy joke about being blind and seeing eye dogs and you needing new blinds.

• They tell you that there's some really cool, amazing stuff happening outside your window but that you need new $1200 panes to really appreciate it.

• Three words: MICHAEL BAY WINDOWS.

• They threaten to give away the plot details of the "Homeland" episode you're watching unless you invest in some insulated windows which are surprisingly easy to open and clean when you really try them out. You should really give it a try unless you want to hear that Brody was framed for the bombing of CIA headquarters.

• They give you the finger inches from your face as they estimate, order, repair and invoice the window job for you.

• They "repair" your cracked coffee table glass top with Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka's ass in a sweet version of his "Superfly Splash."

• Fuck you

• Their hold music is "Architecture of Aggression" by Megadeth.

• They start a drawn out, expensive war under false pretenses, linking a terrorist attack to a completely unrelated foreign country that they wanted to invade in the first place for their oil wells.

Blackberry Faces VIII and IX

The EADJ Gallery is pleased to announce not one, but two new acquisitions to the critically acclaimed "Blackberry Face" series.

These two significant pieces are essentially one photo captured on a New York 7 Train. Such a rare and beautiful occurrence is made even more incredible by the fact that it manages to document two different generations of Blackberry faces.

"Trevor and Josie" is a magnificent piece that captures the dichotomy of two generations, two sexes, and two pieces of technology. Trevor seems to grumpily collapse into his iPad browsing whilst Josie is upright but frowny-faced about her texting. Both cross their legs, but your eye is inevitably drawn towards Josie's crotch.

"Trevor and Josie" fill the eighth slot of this breathtaking octaptych, fulfilling the promise made by the Woodmere Art Museum curator Daphne Steins that the Blackberry Collection will be "the foremost exhibit in any metropolitan gallery in any city in Duluth, Minnesota."

The new exhibit will open on November 5. Gallery members and their guests will receive a 10% discount during regular viewing hours. Flash photography and videotaping will not be permitted. And please, smoking is not permitted inside the portico entrance.

The EADJ Crappinema Is Proud To Present "Gooby"

"Gooby" is a self-described "family friendly" children's movie, implying that "Finding Nemo" and "Shrek" somehow feature hookers, drug deals, and buckets of gore. "Gooby's" distributor Monterey Media really go out of their way to drive this "family friendly" selling point home. Fine. If your family enjoys poor production values, trillions of shades of brown, some story resolution that pops up at the end without any forewarning or character development, and badly designed childhood pals who will haunt your nightmares forever, then yes, this is a "family friendly"movie.

It must also be said that it took me forever to write this one up- not because I lost my USB thumb drive and had to watch the goddamn thing all over again, but because it was such utter toil to watch, screen grab, and caption this furry turd of a pap smear. For kids.

 

 

I just realized there are TWO "Return of the Jedi" references in this write-up. Fuck it!

Overall Grade: F