The Director of "10 Vagina Victories HD" Speaks Out

Hello all

After a successful premiere at the Doffson Film Festival in Doffson, Massachusetts and a respectable turn out at a screening on the Baylor University campus, I am proud to announce that my film "10 Vagina Victories HD" has finally found a distributor!

Those of you who have stayed at a hotel lately might have noticed that my film, part-documentary and part-restaging of 10 women's struggles with society and the individual, spirit-lifting victories that they achieved via their vaginas, has become an offering on Spectravision. Unfortunately, the good people of Spectravision didn't watch my excellent documentary and instead placed it in the "Adult Movie" section of the menu, based on the title alone.

So in order to watch Jakartan activist Yimini Salva pierce her proud labia in defiance of the male-dominated parliament of Jakarta, you're going to have to scroll past "Kinky Bangkok Wives" and "100% WhiteBootyClap."

Or the cinéma vérité re-creation of migrant farmer Doris Halford smuggling medicine to wounded Revolutionary War troops in her pubic hair shares the same marquee as "Gangbang My Mom!" (in standard def, no less!)

Let me assure my viewing public, I'm not bitter that all my hard work interviewing, filming, and researching has been relegated to the dickstroke section of one's hotel TV alongside "Threeway Meat Munch" and "Motorboatin Ur Mom." I'm just glad that my humble film gets to see the light of day.

Thank you.

("Threeway Meat Munch" was pretty good, by the way.)

EADJ Surprising Hostility: "Magic" Wine Holder

"Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic."
-Arthur C. Clarke, "Profiles of The Future", 1961


Today we direct our enmity towards any cantilever-style or so-called "magic" wine holder.

Why? Well, it's hard to articulate exactly what's so fucking annoying about these things, but here's a general walk-through of the logic of any person who buys one:

1) Oh wow! Look at that wine bottle holder! It makes it look like the bottle is floating!

2) But how does it work? Magic?!

3) Oh, I see! The piece of wood forces the heavy bottle to act as a counter-balance, and the angle of the base of the wood ensures the stability of the cantilever! How surprising and utterly elegant!

4) I've got to decorate my condo with this wine holder! This will both show off how sophisticated I am and baffle my douchebag friends!


So people who buy these things aren't only idiots when it comes to basic physics, but they're also eager to show off the fancy bottle of wine they bought.

When it comes to level of taste, I think I'd have to categorize the "magic" wine bottle holder with Patrick Nagel prints, halogen lamps, and those posters that have a rose on some piano keys.

From Out of Left Field

Spotted at an LAX Admirals Club while traveling with Barry:


Tommy Lasorda Fine Italian Wines

"...Tommy Lasorda is preserving his legacy by fulfilling dreams away from the crowded stadiums of Major League Baseball... his passion for America's game gives way to his passion for Italian wines."

Say what? How is that preserving your legacy– by slapping your name on something completely unrelated to what made you famous? That's like Hillary Duff Financial Services or Madeleine Albright-brand chewing tobacco. "Carrie Ann Inaba's passion for judging dancers on 'Dancing With The Stars' gives way to her passion for Mycorrhizal Technology in Agriculture...." Oh, he's Italian, so he can sell Italian wine? Okay.

(Jeez, I didn't mean for this to turn into the Celebrity Wine Blog)

You'll notice on the wine descriptions below, no mention of Tommy Lasorda or any connection to his Italian heritage and the Veneta Abruzzo region of Italy. You could have slapped Yogi Berra or Joe DiMaggio's name on the label. They're Italian, see?


Tommy Lasorda Wines: They're Lasorda Classy and Lasorda Relevant!

What Smells Like Lighter Fluid?

Pictured above, the wine equivalent of a skull and crossbones.

First Unfortunate Logo of 2009

Found in the iTunes Applications store, a logo for Wine Enthusiast Guide:


Unfortunately, it looks like the crotch of a half naked dude with a red t-shirt and some serious bush.

A Terrible Day For Typography.

The following account is true.

Sunday, August 12, 2007
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What started out as a pleasant Sunday turned into a constant onslaught of offensive typefacery. I had been to L.A. and New York in the last month and hadn't seen so much as a curlzy comma. But in one day in Chicago, I done seen my share fo' the rest of my life, child.