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The ProofrEADJer: April April Edition

EADJ Christmas Gift Guide: Purchasing The Right Katy Perry Perfume For Your Dog

Does your dog eat lots of table scraps with meat, causing him to emit long, wet farts that stay in your curtains for weeks? Katy Perry recommends her Killer Queen scent, an empowering and regal fragrance that hides dog farts with nobility and imperial magnificence!

Katy Perry Royal Revolution literally overthrows her previous release Killer Queen off the throne, forcing the queen to bow and beheads her in front of a bloodthirsty crowd of peasants. It's also a great scent for covering up the ammonia stains your Welsh Corgis will leave all over the velvet pillows when they watch their momma get guillotined.

Did your dachshund vomit all those Fig Newtons after you left the package open on the couch? Fear not, idiot. Katy Perry's Mad Potion will cleverly make that puke stain smell like dark magic- with a hint of musk and something we call "Katy taint," your couch will smell (but not look) like new!

An Imagined Conversation

The following is yet another continuation of another imagined conversation.

"Okay, Mike. I think I can stay awake another few minutes until we find each other."

"Good. Now look around and tell me what you see."

"I'm in front of the Life Planning Center. Ovulation kits, pregancy tests, stuff like that."

"Do you see a Delsym Cough Relief Center nearby?"

"No."

"Don't move, Sandy, and look closely. It's a big orange kiosk. I'm standing by it, waving."

"Wait, I think I see you, Mike."

"Really?!"

"Oh, no. That's not you. I'm by the Gift Card Center now."

"Goddammit, Sandy, you gotta stop moving. Let me come to you."

"Okay, I'll stop walking. I'm now at the Power Center."

"POWER CENTER??!! WHERE THE FUCK IS THAT, SANDY???!!!??!!"

The EADJ Pun Police: S1W Edition

"Ten, HUT!"

[Formation 1, turn, Assemblage 7]

"Turn!"

[Assemblage 7 converts to Formation 3A]

"At ease! No justice, no peace!"

[Formation 3A at-ease mode]

"'Pasture Bedtime?' Nonsensical context! Delta 7A fold! Fold!"

[Formation 3A becomes Delta 7A attack mode; S1Ws destroy night shirt under boot heels]

"Halt! Due East at bus stop! Submission by Barry F!"

"All Yolks Aside. That actually means the opposite of what that faceless corporation wants to say. Is there egg in this MC Muffin or not? Delta P!"

[S1Ws deliver the dreaded Delta P maneuver, which renders the bus stop ad illegible and in flames]

"Phones out!" "Phones out!"

"Sole is not soul. There are soul mates. There are no sole mates. How do you sell soul to a soulless people who sold their soul to soles? Gamma TEN!"

[S1Ws perform the rare Gamma 10 anti-commercialism maneuver. This erases the Nike Corporation from the Fortune 500 and sends a box of buffalo turds to Phil Knight's home address.]

"Make everybody see- not sea- in order to fight the powers that be! Truncheons out!"

[S1Ws mercilessly beat seal sign to a pulp with their military-style truncheons.]

"'A Lot of Cars.' Stupid. Not worth it. Bypass!"

[S1Ws ignore it.]

"Sip, Sip, Hooray!? Probably not a Naughty By Nature reference. Deploy Sigma 88 sweep anyway!"

[S1Ws stand back to back, then do the Sigma 88 sweep, making the vinyl banner dissolve in a strong but environmentally-safe acid.]

"Release the Quackin?! RELEASE THE MEGABLAST!"

[S1Ws march around the ad 5 times but it does nothing.]

"HOLD! Due northeast! Reassemble vector 8E!"

[S1Ws hurry over to a Shrek: The Musical ad.]

"This Shrek Musical has had a prior record of awful punnage. This counts as strike two. Engage in Destroyer Formation 55:28, Priority Zero!"

[S1Ws create a T-shaped formation, march around with their fists on each other's shoulders, carry Flavor Flav offstage and relax in the Green Room.]

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

And now, this month's most questionable and/or least explained hip hop mixtape covers:

Nature: Seasons Changed (Spring Edition)

Are you sure this isn't a Narada New Age music sampler sold at aromatherapy spas and head shops?

Look. Someone scanned a necklace pendant that they got at a fair.

A goat man? A possessed mother? A Gremlin with lopped off ears? I almost want to listen to this out of morbid curiosity. Almost.

"It's a trap!" Yeah, I get it. Who doesn't. But what I find interesting is the Middle Earth elf and the guy bending over with jeans behind Admiral Ackbar. This photo was stolen from a comic convention! How awesome is that for those cosplayers?!

"Hi. We're Cherish. And the truth of the matter is, if any of your friends offer you drugs or alcohol and won't take no for an answer, then they're not real friends. Just stand up to them, say 'no thanks,' and stand with one hip uncomfortably out to the side like you just hip checked a runaway refrigerator. And that's one to grow on."

"Exquisite" is the latest artwork filter featured in Adobe Illustrator 6.5. Now you can turn any boring cell phone shot of your friends into a stylish but boring cover for your mixtape!

I can't say for sure whether Donald Trump would really tweet a shout-out to Chief Keef, but the Donald has tweeted stranger and more random things. Sure, Keef, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt here.

The thing that makes the least sense here are the AUTUMN LEAVES.

Future's clapper was successfully installed. Now if only he could start dusting the place...

Nobody from H.R. had gotten around to speaking to Georgia about how her outfits weren't exactly office-appropriate, especially since the regional manager's conference was in two days.

Gillie Da Kid tests his clapper from 4 miles away from his apartment, and miraculously, it works!

Jadakiss's foot powder empire was unrivaled.

Here's the thing about going out to eat with Defari. If you take him to Olive Garden, and he spots that oversized prop wine bottle, he WILL grab it and do thirty minutes of prop comedy with it until your entire group gets thrown out.

Someone wanted to be badass by photoshopping their face onto Optimus Prime's with a gun barrel for a mouth, but it only ended up looking like they're an appliance that brews delicious coffee.

Hey guys. Look at the tat under his right nipple. It says DO NOT RESUSCITATE.

After he was stopped by the highway patrol, Meek Mills was disappointed to learn that he hadn't broken any laws besides a minor helmet law and was sent on his way. Man, he wasn't even cuffed!

It's a fact that Young Jeezy is an absolute clean freak, so when it's time to clean burned alfredo sauce on the crockpot, he gets pretty serious with it.

"Beat It" featuring Chris Brown. Make your own punchline.

You can get onto Google Image Search and recreate this mixtape cover in about three clicks.

Yes, as a matter of fact, I would love to one day find a stripper that shits out dollar bills.

Raekwon poses for his album cover, knowing full well that the Tonight Show is not about laughing.

You Can Tell A Lot About Pillow Protector's Customers By The Packaging

Audience 1: Old farts who love reading a lot more than they do playing hide the sausage (or walking the dog for that matter).

Audience 2: Unapproachable Asian woman reading Ayn Rand in a double bed. Her husband has left her, and she doesn't care. She is so misunderstood, just like Howard Roark in THE FOUNTAINHEAD!

Audience 3: Wait. Two questions: 1) Claritin makes pillow protectors? 2) Is that Kristine Johnson from Channel 2 News at 5?

Audience 4: Confident blonde sluts who don't have bugs in their coochie, thanks to sprinkling a little baking soda down there.