What Mall Kiosk Attendants Are Thinking: Special Pandemic Edition

Grace at the GOT CANDY? kiosk at the Woodland Mall at Grand Rapids, Michigan.

"Jeez. 3 people today. Total. In the entire mall."

Hanna at the Massage Pod kiosk at the Merle Hay Mall in Des Moines, Iowa.

"Either that's a giant dust bunny or a legit tumbleweed over there."

Darcy at the Otto Cases kiosk at the Kentucky Oaks Mall in Paducah, Kentucky.

"I'm a solitary person. But this is some bullshit."

Air Was Scared

Air was scared.

Weather map was confused.

Light fixture said, "Stop whining."

Photo Developer looked on in shock.

And Bathroom Stall Shelf just sat there like a doofus.

The Literal Dehumanization of the NJ Transit Survey

I rode on the NJ Transit train recently and found the latest Transit survey brochure. This year it didn't have the old familiar crowd of six characters as featured in previous brochures:

No, this time someone just chose to fire up Microsoft Excel instead and turn a cheap chart into the brochure's main visual. It breaks my heart and makes my retinas bleed:

Instead of our beloved six, there's now an ugly pie chart with five wedges. WTH? Here's a forensic breakdown of what we think happened to the beloved six and which wedges of the pie chart they morphed into:

"Jesse" = FY14

Jesse's boring, conservative persona has been distilled into a harmless navy blue wedge. It won't offend anyone, and it matches perfectly with any pair of khakis you may be wearing to Rush.

"Jess" = FY13

Jess became the slightly brighter, more confident blue wedge of the pie. Her energy and verve have been captured with this fun-loving, friendly shade of azure. You go, Jess!

"Trina" = FY15

Leave it to Trina to boast a lusty purple wedge. The color almost matches her too-tight top and it's top-heaviness echoes her physique.

"Angie" and "Simon Peter" = FY12

Yeah, I know, it's unfair that they have to share a wedge. Mainly because she's a disembodied head, and he's a friggin' useless tool, so they add up to one. Life ain't fair, Charlie.

"Don With The Thumbs" = FY16

The man of the hour gets not only the biggest slice but the most flamboyant color the printers had available. This feels right because DWTT is all about calling attention to himself and being generally awesome. Good on ya, Don!

Did we make the right match ups? Text "USELESSANALYSIS" to 53562 to tell us or to submit your own ideas! Message and Data Rates May Apply

Yet Even More Taglines For That Avalanche Shark Movie You'll Never See

We're nothing if not thorough.

Barry and His Strassburg Sock

When Barry went to his podiatrist to complain about his foot pain and to just complain about his life in general, Barry's podiatrist recommended The Strassburg Sock, a medieval-looking device that not only treats irritation and swelling of the thick tissue on the bottom of the foot, but also makes your feet look like harps.


The ridiculousness of the appearance is deceiving, however. Turns out these socks actually do work, as Barry has attested after wearing for several weeks.



Here is Barry's story in his own words:


David,

I know that you’ve been intrigued with my Strassburg Sock. As a plantar fasciitis sufferer, my podiatrist prescribed the patented Strassburg Sock as part of my treatment regimen. The sock itself has an adjustable strap that attaches from the toe to the knee area, and is designed to stretch tight foot tendons that are the main cause of fasciitis pain.

At first, I was skeptical: What’s this crazy sock? Why does it make me look like a giant elf? And who the fuck was Strassburg? But now that I’ve worn it, here are my initial impressions:

1. In an emergency, the Strassburg Sock could kill you. I quickly realized that if a fire broke out, and I’m wearing the sock, my mobility would be severely limited. Trying to run on one good foot, the other curled up uselessly into a giant “C” shape, I would eventually stumble, and be consumed in the flames. For this reason, I am careful to complete a thorough fire safety check in my apartment before donning the sock.

2. The Strassburg Sock is unsightly. After wearing the sock for 15 minutes or so, my leg hairs poke out of the sheer fabric of the sock, resembling a little denuded forest in a snowy landscape. This unsettles me.

3. After 10 minutes, the Strassburg Sock makes your toes go numb. Actually, I’m not sure if I like this or not.

4. The Strassburg Sock works. My foot pain is nearly gone.

5. Dr. Strassburg is not a legendary Nazi podiatrist. His name is Terry Strassburg, and he’s a former Marine who lives in upstate New York. I was a little disappointed when I learned this.


To learn more about the Strassburg Sock and what it can do for you like it did for Barry Harpfoot, visit www.thesock.com or visit Strasbourg.

AND THEN THERE WERE NONE.

Mission Sorta Accomplished: Project Fountain 5.2

Meanwhile, In The Project Fountain Briefing Room...