The Last Two Weeks In Hip Hop Awfulness

Hey Cease, when a bevy of whores is grabbing for your junk, maybe it's not a good time to giggle like a schoolgirl.

One good way to see Alpha Centauri without a high-powered telescope is to rub your eyes for 10 minutes straight.

Karla spilled an entire pumpkin spice latte all over the hotel room and didn't even tip housekeeping. Bitch.

THOSE STAINS AT THE THEATRE? THAT AIN'T BUTTER.

"What the fuck, guys? I'm gone for a day, and you two leave the apartment a disaster?! I'm not even gone for 24 hours, and there's foot powder, Reader's Digest magazines, and bags of garbage piled up in the foyer. You guys are hoarders- there's no other word for it, man."

Stock search:" Labor." First result. Boom.

"Is this the real life / is this just fantasy / caught in a landslide…"

Stefani opens her ass cheeks to fart more quietly in the Champagne Room.

Plies is such a dedicated producer, there isn't even room for a CHAIR in his mixing booth!

"Hey, sorry fellas, but you know those exotic Lamborghinis you wanted for your album cover shoot? Well, all we could afford are some motorized Barbie Corvettes from Pep Boys. You'll make do, right?"

I guess if you don't care about proper lighting, basic human size proportions, glowing shoulders, or the fact that the photo of the car you used has reflections from a car show, this is a pretty decent album cover.

I can't tell if M.O.P. is "Free Parking" or "Go Directly To Jail." But it's nice to see how ballin' Monopoly Guy can be.

"Sponsored by Trukfit and Microsoft." That sounds unlikely but I'm too lazy to Google confirmation.

Puff Daddy? He's still around? Are those lines of foot powder?

Pro tip: If you're going to wear a black tie, make sure your facial hair doesn't also look exactly like a black tie.

No change. That cover is awesome.

"Hey, you guys are so far away! Come on up closer to the stage! It's an all ages show- there's no need to be so far back! Come closer, guys, we're going to spin some fun music over here! Okay, whenever you feel like it- there's plenty of room here by the monitors. We're also selling CDs for $5 after the show."

This was the best shot the photographer could take, because PartyNextDoor had to pee really badly and insisted on using his bathroom at home even though the photographer assured him the studio bathroom was perfectly clean.

Now, that's a real shame the guy with a "B" on his hat didn't stand between the guy with the "A" on his hat and the guy with the "C" on his hat. Missed opportunity there.

Meet your new Zumba instructor at Curves: Malissa! Malissa is a licensed Zumba, Zumba Toning, and Aqua Zumba instructor with a ton of energy and a boombox full of terrific workout tunes! Malissa comes from Brookfield, Connecticut and loves being fit and healthy, and she's got what it takes to get you on YOUR FEET and working ON YOUR CORE! The sign up sheet is located outside room 206.

Oh, that's a new hand signal. What does it mean.

Weird. This was all done by hand, but it still somehow feels lazier than one of those Photoshop jobs.

From Out of Left Field

Spotted at an LAX Admirals Club while traveling with Barry:


Tommy Lasorda Fine Italian Wines

"...Tommy Lasorda is preserving his legacy by fulfilling dreams away from the crowded stadiums of Major League Baseball... his passion for America's game gives way to his passion for Italian wines."

Say what? How is that preserving your legacy– by slapping your name on something completely unrelated to what made you famous? That's like Hillary Duff Financial Services or Madeleine Albright-brand chewing tobacco. "Carrie Ann Inaba's passion for judging dancers on 'Dancing With The Stars' gives way to her passion for Mycorrhizal Technology in Agriculture...." Oh, he's Italian, so he can sell Italian wine? Okay.

(Jeez, I didn't mean for this to turn into the Celebrity Wine Blog)

You'll notice on the wine descriptions below, no mention of Tommy Lasorda or any connection to his Italian heritage and the Veneta Abruzzo region of Italy. You could have slapped Yogi Berra or Joe DiMaggio's name on the label. They're Italian, see?


Tommy Lasorda Wines: They're Lasorda Classy and Lasorda Relevant!

EADJ Song Hate, Fourth Edition

Hello all. Today is a twofer: in this entry we hate both "Name" and "Iris" by The Goo Goo Dolls.

Now, maybe right off the bat some of you might not recognize these two ditties by their title. But believe us, you've heard these songs before- and many times, my friends. If you've ever watched a movie starring Meg Ryan or Sandra Bullock or waited more than ten minutes at a dentist's waiting room, you've heard these bad boys. They're both pint glasses of warm, non-alcoholic beer served with a wedge of lime and an enormous turd as a stirrer. Oh, and with a girlie cocktail umbrella.

"Name" and "Iris" are perfect fodder for those Lite FM stations that offer a musical "pick me up" without getting too "rocky." You know, something to get your foot tapping without conjuring the "devil horns," because Janice two cubes over would be disturbed.


I don't know the names of the members in the Goo Goo Dolls, and I don't care enough to Wikipedia them. So let's just call them Jeff, Mark, and Ted. These three gentlemen were average rockers back in the day until some movie studio put one of their softer songs on a soundtrack. They watched that song shoot up the chart and decided to devote the rest of their career to manufacturing chick-flick songs just like that. "Name" and "Iris" were either one of those soundtrack songs or one of the songs that came after, but as I said, I AM NOT GOING TO WIKIPEDIA THEM.

"Name" is a frustratingly average song. It has swaying acoustic guitar riffs that almost kick in every once in a while, but instead of really rocking out, it just goes from a limp to a trot.



Lyrics:

Scars are souvenirs you never lose
The past is never far
Did you lose yourself somewhere out there
Did you get to be a star
And don't it make you sad to know that life
Is more than who we are

Fucking piss-pot. If lyrics like that don't make you want to go on a slapping spree at the local mall, I don't know what will.

Now, "Iris" is so menacingly awful one envies the deaf. Here again are the plodding acoustic guitar chords and a little touch of string orchestration, but then Mark starts howling the chorus:

I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am



Click here to experience something worse than Fred Durst.

You can see why we decided to present both of these as a set. For the same reasons that National Lampoon's Van Wilder 2: The Rise of Taj can be seen bundled with National Lampoon's Boat Trip 2.

So today we retire both "Iris" and "Name" from ever slapping their limp dicks against our eardrums ever again. And we pass the baton of "shitty pussy soundtrack songmaker" over to Five For Fighting and The Fray. You found me...you found me...

25 Facts That You Didn't Know About The Band DragonForce

(NOTE: none of these facts have been taken from that unverified crapfest Wikipedia)

1) Like Romulus and Remus, they were all birthed by a wolf. Except it was a dragonwolf.

2) Dragons have been known to be attracted to their live shows, wherein the audience is often terrorized, but the band FORCES the Dragon to calm down and have a Coke.

3) Every year in October, the band travels to Sussex, England to help a dragon give birth to a dragon-calf. They always name the calf after the second track of an album. This year, the calf will be named "The Fire Still Burns," which comes off their newest album, "Ultra Beatdown." See, it totally works.

4) Vocalist Frederic Leclercq hails from France but does not spit on Americans as often as you think he would.

5) The band have filmed several PSAs educating children about dragon abuse and "dragonism." In them, a band member usually cries.



6) Keyboardist Vadim Pruzhanov really enjoyed the book "The Cheese Monkeys" by Chip Kidd.

7) Yes, the band has sampled dragon meat. But they didn't know what it was at the time. And they didn't enjoy it, either. Can we not talk about this?

8) Their sister band, UnicornFlash, has a bigger following in Australia, but it's mostly consisted of people who confuse the two bands.

9) Their previous album "Inhuman Rampage" contains clues about where to find a hidden dragon treasure in Atlantic City, NJ.

10) Before the exclusive photographer from People was supposed to arrive, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's allowed DragonForce to see their baby Shiloh.

11) Rhythm guitarist Herman Li insists on shampoo and conditioner in separate bottles. You think I'm making this shit up? Check out the last entry on his bio page. Who's lying now, bitch? Whut?

12) The band periodically meets with Finnish President Tarja Halonen and Nordic Prime Minister Jens Stoltenberg to see what they (the band) can do to rock harder.



13-25) Still pending. Check back later, k? :)

This Whole Thing Is a Sham.

So when we got married, J'Net and I registered to get some shams for some pillows in the bedroom. But I didn't realize the pillows were just decorative– that you're not really supposed to use them to sleep with. And the shams are dry clean only, so after having them dry cleaned, J'Net said they're full of chemicals that we shouldn't be breathing. So wha hoppen? Now we have two pillows we're not supposed to use covered in pillowcases we're not supposed to be putting our heads on. I know, next time, let's throw some decorative bear traps covered in rape by our feet!


(pictured above, the hexagon-patterned shams. Pretty, aren't they.)

Sort of related: A completely unnecessary Wikipedia entry.