Mini Smecial Edition

6 Lies Told By The "Street Sense" Brochure, Handed Out By My Local Police

Some cops (at least I think they were cops)  handed these poorly-photocopied brochures out at my local train station in New Jersey. This shit is riddled with lies.

1) If it's common sense, how come you have to print and hand out brochures about it?

2) Walking across a supermarket parking lot with your feet in shopping bags is NOT common sense.

3) "Trust your instincts." Jesus Lord. There are so many stupid, misguided, immature, delusional, and bat-shit crazy people out there already trusting their instincts, that it renders this advice useless.

4) "Don't pick up hitchhikers. Don't hitchhike. Period." Exception: if it's a really, really sexy hitchhiker wearing Daisy Dukes shorts with nobody hiding behind the bush directly behind her, it's totally okay.

5) "If someone harasses you, don't be embarrassed. Loudly say 'Leave me alone!' If that doesn't work, hit the emergency device." LIES. There is no emergency device on a bus. That is a cord telling the driver to drop you off so you can get mugged off her bus.

6) Why is the National Crime Prevention Council illegally copying clearly COPYWRITTEN MATERIAL? Are they above the law? Also, a photocopy is not always printed on recycled paper. Lies lies lies.

EADJ is proud to announce the Six Lies Told LEGO set, available exclusively at Discovery Center and this website. This enjoyable LEGO playset features 5 custom lying mini-figures, an underwater vehicle, a shark, and over 500 individual pieces of false information. Start lying today!

The EADJ Pun Police: S1W Edition

"Ten, HUT!"

[Formation 1, turn, Assemblage 7]

"Turn!"

[Assemblage 7 converts to Formation 3A]

"At ease! No justice, no peace!"

[Formation 3A at-ease mode]

"'Pasture Bedtime?' Nonsensical context! Delta 7A fold! Fold!"

[Formation 3A becomes Delta 7A attack mode; S1Ws destroy night shirt under boot heels]

"Halt! Due East at bus stop! Submission by Barry F!"

"All Yolks Aside. That actually means the opposite of what that faceless corporation wants to say. Is there egg in this MC Muffin or not? Delta P!"

[S1Ws deliver the dreaded Delta P maneuver, which renders the bus stop ad illegible and in flames]

"Phones out!" "Phones out!"

"Sole is not soul. There are soul mates. There are no sole mates. How do you sell soul to a soulless people who sold their soul to soles? Gamma TEN!"

[S1Ws perform the rare Gamma 10 anti-commercialism maneuver. This erases the Nike Corporation from the Fortune 500 and sends a box of buffalo turds to Phil Knight's home address.]

"Make everybody see- not sea- in order to fight the powers that be! Truncheons out!"

[S1Ws mercilessly beat seal sign to a pulp with their military-style truncheons.]

"'A Lot of Cars.' Stupid. Not worth it. Bypass!"

[S1Ws ignore it.]

"Sip, Sip, Hooray!? Probably not a Naughty By Nature reference. Deploy Sigma 88 sweep anyway!"

[S1Ws stand back to back, then do the Sigma 88 sweep, making the vinyl banner dissolve in a strong but environmentally-safe acid.]

"Release the Quackin?! RELEASE THE MEGABLAST!"

[S1Ws march around the ad 5 times but it does nothing.]

"HOLD! Due northeast! Reassemble vector 8E!"

[S1Ws hurry over to a Shrek: The Musical ad.]

"This Shrek Musical has had a prior record of awful punnage. This counts as strike two. Engage in Destroyer Formation 55:28, Priority Zero!"

[S1Ws create a T-shaped formation, march around with their fists on each other's shoulders, carry Flavor Flav offstage and relax in the Green Room.]

To The Penguin On The Back Of A Package of Lifesavers Gummies

Jesus Christ. What the fuck is wrong with you? What kind of penguin needs help finding his home in the snow? Your home is the snow, dumbass.

And furthermore, I can tell what your "home" is, even without connecting the fucking dots. And guess what, genius, you don't belong in an igloo. Act like you know. That's a home for Eskimos, who are mainly found in Siberia, Alaska, Canada, or Greenland. And do you live in Siberia, Alaska, Canada, or Greenland? No, you dumb shithead. You live in the Galapagos and Antarctica. So why would you think you belong in a structure that wouldn't be found anywhere near those places? Dumb fuck.

Okay, here you go, penguin. I connected the dots for you:

Whoa ho ho ho. Now look who stumbled back uninvited to our blog. Hey penguin, Pewter Bear is right. You don't deserve all this hatred. HE does. 

Fucking Pewter Bear, why don't you stay gone. Nobody here has or ever will like your simpering, whiny bitch-ass, so why do you keep coming back? There is nothing here for you. We all hate you and would like you to be smelted down to a single nail, so we can hammer that thing into a rock and launch it into space, where you can fuck off billions of miles away.

We apologize to the penguin and would like to extend the middle finger we drew earlier up Pewter Bear's asshole.

Can Bands Stop Doing This Now?

Spotted on an mp3 album download website, a glut of band names:


(click to enlarge)

The ProofrEADJer: June Edition

And spotted at a roach coach on 48th and Lex:

Okay.

Number one, I don't know why this pop-up appeared on my computer AT WORK, because I'm not surfing on any inappropriate websites or nothin. Not unless you count lemonparty.org or bluewaffle.net.

Number two, I'm no genitalia expert, but I'm pretty sure some of those aren't senior women.

Number three, WHAT THE FACK?!?!?!?!?!? AAAHHHHH!!!!! AHHHHHHHHH! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Bonus Video

Video: That Chinese CGI recreation of the Tiger Woods car accident that's all over the Internet.

Audio: My parents and J'Net discussing the Tiger Woods car accident from a previous entry.

Another Typical Morning

Spotted on the Times Square 7 platform on my way to work, a keyboardist plays a little Michael McDonald to get the morning started. Then he stops playing when he catches me filming him.



Now, I like as much morning Michael McDonald as the next guy, but breaking out a big gun like "What a Fool Believes" is a little intense for my tastes. Why not something more mellow, like "Yah Mo B There" or "I Keep Forgettin' (Every Time You're Near)?" I mean, you really gotta pace yourself for the long day. Leave the more cranking choons like "It Keeps You Runnin'" or "Takin' It To the Streets" for after lunch.

Forgettin'. Runnin'. Takin'. Mr. McDonald doesn't like ending his verbs with G's.

I'm hopin' he's there when I'm commutin' home, playin' "Sweet Freedom" from the Runnin' Scared soundtrack.