The Best Compliments You Can Expect From Your Family When You Serve Them a Really Badly Done Version of a Pan-Roasted Pear Salad Recipe

"You can really taste the pan."

"Oh, what a lovely inedible centerpiece!"

"Wow, did you core the pears AND crumble the blue cheese yourself?"

"I finished it and I'm not nauseous."

"Hey, a nickel!"

"I thought eating salad was supposed to be good for you."

"You burned the pears. I'm kidding. You ruined all of it!"

"Hello, Domino's?"

Yummy.

I think this is a recipe directed at guys who want to brag that they tossed Jennifer Aniston's salad.

The Difference Between a Hot Dog and a Hot Sausage

Spotted on a NYC hot dog cart, pre-pandemic:

A hot dog will pick you up at the airport.

A hot sausage will send an Uber driven by former supermodel Kathy Ireland.

A hot dog will lend you his phone so you can make a call.

A hot sausage already has the number of whoever you want to call in their phone. They're popular, see.

A hot dog will come over for some poker and some whiskey.

A hot sausage will rent out a Hooters and teach each of the servers Texas Hold 'Em so you can all play.

A hot dog will listen to your medical woes and provide sympathy.

A hot sausage will give you the number of his chiropractor, who happens to be former supermodel Kathy Ireland.

A hot dog will be named Robert.

A hot sausage will be named Rob, Roberto, or Bert, but never Robbie.

Some More Available Terrible Porn Names

Congrats on joining the porn industry. We can tell you are a real go-getter and are ready to jump in with gusto (and cum). But first, you'll need a porn name for us to refer to you by. Here's a handy list of available porn names that were never claimed because they're so stupid. Have at it, sport. Pick one:

Him

Obama Kerr

Teddy Fuxpin

Hu Justjoined

Tom Agotchi

Yuri N. Alasys

Higgs Boson

Her

Summa Enchanted-Evening

Roe V. Wade

Priscillascope

Sissy Fuss

Olivia Garden Bottomless Salad

15 Pathmark Could Save You 15% Or More On Car Insurance.

Limit: 1

Spotted in NYC, a coffee cart offers nothing in multiples.

The ProofrEADJer, October Haven't-Figured-Out-What-Your-Halloween-Costume-Is-But-There's-Still-Time Edition

It's South Orange, Not South Green

Pictured below, a quick peek into a South Orange "recycling" garbage can reveals that it's all been a lie:



Very disheartening, South Orange City Hall.

If You See A Suspicious Package At The Airport, Please Report It.

A suspicious package could be left in the middle of the airport, in plain view. So please keep your eyes peeled.


The package could take many forms. Like a brown paper package. Or a black roller. Or a gigantic industrial grey garbage can with a green garden hose running into it from the ceiling for no goddamned reason. You know, everyday things like that.

A Word On "Salad"

I don't know which fuckers to blame, but thanks to overgeneralizing and brazen misuse, the definition of the word "salad" has been stretched to point of uselessness. Here are some prime examples of what I'm talking about:

• Potato salad. Is it sliced and lightly seasoned potatoes in a bed of crisp lettuce? No, it's a bunch of yellow potato chunks swimming in yellow nasty mayonnaise. Usually shipped in a white bucket and served from a big metal spoon with a big, wet slap onto your plate or cafeteria tray. It's essentially the middle finger in a more viscous form.

• Chicken salad. Chopped or cubed chicken breast on a bed of crisp lettuce? No, actually it's shredded chicken parts mixed with celery(!) bits and pounded into a thick paste with mayonnaise and despair. Often eaten between two confused pieces of bread. Tuna salad is in the same boat here.

• Egg salad. Yum, slices of hard-boiled egg whites on a bed of crisp lettuce! No, wait. Actually, somebody put the yellow-and-nasty treatment on it– just like potato salad– and added something thicker to the mayonnaise, so that it clumps even more and can't ooze when sitting in the sandwich vending machine for a month.


• Marshmallow salad. Oh dear shit, this one is a doozy. First of all, marshmallows have no business being anywhere near the word "salad" to begin with, so there's no way sliced marshmallows would ever be on a bed of crisp lettuce. But some fat woman got the idea of taking CANNED FRUIT and mixing it with marshmallows, Jello, and cream cheese and chilling it. I'm not sure if this is intended as a side dish or a dessert, but Jesus help me if anyone would consider that a "salad." Just say goodbye to both your feet to type 2 diabetes if you eat that.

• Fruit salad. Fresh sliced fruit on a crisp bed of lettuce? No, a bunch of shitty pears and cherries chopped up and canned in sugary syrup. Fuck your mother.

• Macaroni salad. Is that mayonnaise again?

**Editor's note: The following YouTube clip was posted before on EADJ, so you don't have to watch. But we thought it was relevant to the piece.



• Seafood salad. Fresh cut crabmeat and shrimp on a crisp bed of lettuce? Who are we kidding at this point?

• Pasta salad. Haahahahaaaha. Good one.


I think the main culprit in most of this is mayonnaise. I love some mayo on a sandwich like the next guy, but to start pouring jars of it into a bowl and passing it off as some nasty dish that no one wants at the potluck is fucking vile. Everybody, stop it.

Some People Just Don't Read.

Since moving to Jersey, we've had a ton of boxes in the basement. So my wife posted a Craigslist ad on Tuesday that there would be free boxes on the curb that weekend:


Within hours, she received lots of responses, but much to her chagrin, most of the respondents hadn't somehow read the ad. I mean, it's pretty straightforward– location and time, what's to misunderstand? A lot. Who knew Craigslist was a cesspool of illiterates unclear on basic details?

Respondent 1:

Date: Thursday, September 17, 2009, 7:45 AM

Hello,

Are
the boxes still
available.

Please call me for
pickup.

Thx

Zach

Grade: F. Zach failed to grasp the very basic information about the boxes being available ON THE WEEKEND. Plus his lack of question marks makes him seem suspicious.



Respondent 2:

Date: Wednesday, September 16, 2009, 3:39 PM

Are the
boxes and packing
material still available? I have a friend that lives in
(town) that would be
able to pick them up for me. Thanks.

Jean

Grade: F. Jean also gets a failing grade, but only because she was copying off of Zach. Eyes on your papers, people.




Respondent 3:

Date: Wednesday, September 16, 2009, 12:19 AM

Where is (town)?
I would like to take them off your hands but if you are too
far it would not be a green move for me. Trying to stay in a
radius close to home for conservation reasons. so let me
know where you are please. and thanks for posting the boxes.

Ruth


Grade: F-. Jean gets several points for trying to save the earth but more points off for being at a goddamn computer and not thinking to Google "(town)." People that stupid shouldn't drive anyway. RUTH.



Respondent 4:

Tuesday, September 15, 2009, 11:19 AM

Hello there,

I can pick them all anytime today..
What's ur location?
I will be driving from jersey city( journal square)

Let mr know asap
My contact-201XXXXXXX
Thanks
S.M.

Grade: F--. S.M. combines the flaws of Zach, Jean and Ruth into a perfect storm of dumb. Read the godforsaken ad, son. Shit!




Respondent 5:

Tuesday, September 15, 2009, 2:12 PM

hi there...i am in need of bubble wrap to make some
halloween costumes. my son, who is 9, has this
character he invented called "captain joy" where he uses
bubble guns (aka: joy pumps) as his vehicle to spread joy
throughout the boroughs (mainly brooklyn and
manhattan)!! it's super cute!! so this year for
halloween, we are making a full "captain joy" get-up!!
it will be a light-up bubble wrap tuxedo of sorts. i
am going to make a complimentary bubble wrap dress to be his
co-captain:) so we need a good amount that is in large
pieces to make the cuts. if you have some that you
think would be workable and wouldn't mind me coming by to
pick it up earlier, that would be greatly
appreciated!! thanks....stephanie and captain joy :)

Grade: N/A. We're really not sure what to make of this. Should we contact Child Protective Services? That kid's going to grow up to either be a Tony award winner or a serial killer. Maybe both. Nice going, Stephanie. And use your shift key once in a while. :(

So the big day (or weekend) rolls by...

"CNN is Now For 12 Year Olds."

That's a quote from my wife. And she's right.
This is on CNN.com's front page:


For mo' better news, go to

BBC
Real Clear Politics (thanks, John Reid!)
and even Google News which compiles different sources.

(My favorite dinosaur is the nonexistent Brontosaurus, btw)

Scary.

When we moved into our new house, the previous owner had left a plethora of bizarro stuff, like plastic pelican planters, 2 bowling balls in the garden, and this hideous mirror clock:


We set all that crap on the curb, and someone promptly– and thankfully– took it. So you can imagine my surprise last weekend when I was having sushi with my parents in Greenbelt, Maryland, and I spotted THIS:


Dun dun DUUUNNNNNNN!

Labelmaker

Spotted on a trash heap in Brooklyn:

Get Well Soon, Dammit

Found on the trash by the curb: an oversized 'get well' card that says "nobody misses you more than the 16 reports on your computer that won't get completed by themselves, hint hint."

It's the Off Brand T.P. Roundup!

EDITOR'S NOTE: Eat A Dick Joel, in partnership with ABC's Nightline, is proud to present this segment on lesser-known brands of toilet paper that we've found in bars, restaurants and massage parlors. Generic bathroom tissue has literally been sampled around the world for this exclusive entry, and we hope you can learn something from this special report.


Brand: Maverick 1 Ply (!) Bathroom Tissue
Brand Imagery: A horse rampant near a mountain range.
Brand Promise: Adventure and excitement of the great outdoors.
Brand Reality: The name "Maverick" promises a rough and rugged, relentless pounding between the legs as you ride into the sunset.


Brand: Classique
Brand Imagery: A "classy" typeface and some swash decorations.
Brand Promise: A touch of class.
Brand Reality: Possible pink spots from a chafed anus.


Brand: Reliance
Brand Imagery: Ornate floral pattern.
Brand Promise: Go-to reliability and comfort.
Brand Reality: 50/50 chance of getting poop on your manicure.


Brand: Kleenex (Exported to New Zealand) with "luxury embossing"
Brand Imagery: Kleenex logo and a butterfly.
Brand Promise: All the luxury and comfort that you've come to love from the American brand.
Brand Reality: We save the good stuff for the fatasses at home.


Brand: Candlewood Facial Quality Bathroom Tissue
Brand Imagery: A silhouetted tree on a green-to-mauve gradient.
Brand Promise: Aromatic, natural spa-level comfort.
Brand Reality: Feels like you're trying on a thong made from fiberglass insulation.


Brand: Captiva Plush 1-Ply Soft Bathroom Tissue
Brand Imagery: A bizarre tornado-looking thing with bubbles.
Brand Promise: A fascinating whirlwind of softness.
Brand Reality: A tasmanian devil clawing and screaming at your cornhole.


Brand: Everest
Brand Imagery: Mount Everest.
Brand Promise: A refreshing, cool adventure for the senses.
Brand Reality: Actually, a pretty good flag to mark your accomplishments.

Prop Comedy with Garbage

(pictured above, Tom does a sidewalk production of either Cat On a Hot Tin Roof or as Bailey on Party of Five)

"Our?!"

(pictured above, the wrong possessive determiner at the Delmonico salad bar doesn't seem to gross anybody out)

Filipino Boy Will Survive

(pictured above, what happens when the goddamn salad place doesn't put a fork in your takeout bag and then when you get back to the office there's a goddamned meeting hogging the kitchen)