UAG

We Ask Three Girls Named "Oola" What They Think of Their Name

 Editor's note: Oola is German girl's name and meaning of this name is "A Red Lizard".

"I like my name, I guess. I mean, what else would I be called? Do I look like a Diana?" -Oola Schneider

"How'd you get this number? Did my sister send you? Because you tell that bitch I will END her if she interferes with my marriage. Helmut is MINE!" - Oola Richter

"I like my name. Other kids like it, too. Only one boy ever made fun of it, and he's floating in the East River now. Sup" - Oola König

UAG

An Abomination Of A Different Kind

In a previous post, we introduced you to our Hall of Anthropomorphic Horrors, featuring a tooth with teeth, a hand with hands, and a foot with feet.

Last weekend in a hobby store, we happened upon another, completely different kind of abomination:

Look. It's a "Cool Collecting Barbie," which in itself has been labeled a "collectible."

So what does it collect, exactly? When you open the box does it collect itself? Does it seal itself back in the box to preserve its collectibility? Or does it collect other collectible Barbies to create a new Supercollectible? IS THIS THE END OF THE HUMAN RACE?????

A Hot, Three-Way IM Convo

In Defense Of CBS 2 News' Alice Gainer

Here at EADJ, we feel it's important to take more than one stance on an issue, as we've demonstrated on our famous entries on the abortion debate and immigration reform.

So instead of lambasting Alice Gainer and accusing her of trying to break up the best damn news team of all time,  we stopped drinking the hateorade and have decided to entertain the idea that Alice Gainer is instead a reliable fill-in.

Perhaps we were hasty in judging Alice Gainer and felt threatened based on her looks, which when you think about it, was everything that Martin Luther King, Jr. was fighting.

So let's show appreciation to Alice Gainer for being that clutch team player, that trustworthy substitute teacher who can be there at the drop of a hat. THANK YOU, ALICE GAINER!

Here is a full list of Alice Gainer's journalistic awards on her website.

A Pair of IM Convos

This from Bill Dow:


And this one from Andrew Gall:



Insert "I'll be Bach" joke here.

Overheard At The Moody Blues Barber Shop

"Morning."
"Hey there. Take a seat."
"Thanks."
"Okay, so what'll it be?"
(looks at Moody Blues poster)
"I was thinking something between a Lodge and a Thomas."
"What, in length?"
"Yeah. Just basically a medium trim off the top, but part it like a Hayward."
"You realize we don't have a Thomas anymore. Haven't since 2002 when Ray Thomas retired."
"That's too bad. I really like the way the sides are layered and brushed back."
"You can still get that. I can just do an Edge with a shorter length."
"You can do that?"
"Sure. I can do anything in Your Wildest Dreams, right?"
"That's corny."

Barbara Walters Interviews Broccoli Farts

The following is a transcript of an interview Barbara Walters had earlier this year with Broccoli Farts, courtesy of "20/20:"

Barbara Walters: Thank you for taking the time to sit down with me. I know you're busy.

Broccoli Farts: My pleasure.


Barbara Walters: I understand that you are the gastrointestinal result of eating either raw or cooked broccoli– is that correct?

Broccoli Farts: Yes. It doesn't really matter what state the broccoli is in when you eat it. I'm there either way, although some will still tell you that I am more intense after a meal of raw broccoli, like in a salad. And even though I've gotten a lot of media coverage lately, I just wanted to say that I've been around for a long time before all this hype.

Barbara Walters: Hm.

Broccoli Farts: BRAAAAAAAPPPP!

Barbara Walters: So was that cooked?

Broccoli Farts: I forget. I think so.



Barbara Walters: Tell me about your home life. Is there a Mrs. Broccoli Farts?

Broccoli Farts: No, not yet. (laughs) I'm still trying to find the right girl. I mean, obviously in my line of work, it's pretty hard to meet someone. No, I have two male roommates in a 2-bedroom apartment. Josh and I each have a bedroom, and Yamir sleeps on a futon over by the television in the main room.

Barbara Walters: Yamir?

Broccoli Farts: BBBBRRAAAHHHHHRRRFFFF! I'm sorry, excuse me?

Barbara Walters: Your roommate Yamir?

Broccoli Farts: Yes, he's from India. He's an exchange student, going to the School of Visual Arts for graphic design, I believe.

Barbara Walters: You have been called a "rebel," a "rapscallion," and "someone I don't want around my dinner table." How do you respond to those charges?

Broccoli Farts: Everyone's entitled to their opinion of me. The fact is, I'm there whether you want me there or not. I'll loudly enter a room mid-story, or I can quietly sneak in if someone leans to the side in their chair. I have my ways of showing up, regardless how high-falutin the occasion is. (smiles)

Barbara Walters: It strikes me that you're so much more pleasant than people make you out to be.

Broccoli Farts: I don't know about that, Barbara. Maybe you're just catching me on a good day! There have been times that I've caused headaches, nausea and even the occasional botched bris.

Barbara Walters: Bris? As in the circumcision ceremony?



Broccoli Farts: FRRRRAHHHHRRRRAHHHHBBAAARRAAAAAHHHH! See? That was a bad one.


Barbara Walters: Thank you for talking to us, Broccoli Farts.

What You Say, Another Off-Brand T.P. Roundup?

Whether this is roundup #10 or #11 isn't important. What is important is that my asshole burns like a piping hot tabasco enema.


Brand: Isabel 500
Label: A dove flying over a bunch of white flowers.
Feels Like: Giving up the Holy Ghost.


Brand: Aero Soft 2-Ply Bath Tissue
Label: Pleasant script typeface, blue marble-y textured background.
Feels Like: Actually wiping your ass with crumbled marble.


Brand: PRECIOUS Facial Quality 500 Two-Ply
Label: Gollum-green label. Background that resembles the dark clouds over Mount Doom.
Feels Like: Destroying my "One Ring" in molten lava.


Brand: North River
Label: Unassuming yellowish beige-y color.
Feels Like: Wiping with a dead mule's crumbling dick.


Brand: "Bath Tissue"
Label: What appears to be football field yard lines.
Feels Like: Your asshole getting tackled by that kid from "The Blind Side."


Brand: Sofitelle Soft & Absorbent
Label: Named after a high class hotel where a maid got raped
Feels Like: Getting raped by Dominique Strauss-Kahn, the head of the IMF


Brand:D&S
Label: Mysterious initials, a heart, and also flowers stolen from the Isabel 500 label.
Feels Like: Burns like a M.F. right in the A-hole.


Brand: Quali-T Toilet Tissue
Label: A masculine blue label with an industrial logo
Feels Like: Straddling a pro-wrestler's belt


Brand:Preferred Plus Bathroom Tissue, Single Roll
Label: A yellow puddle overlapping a blue puddle. Is that supposed to be piss?
Feels Like: Wiping with your child's treasured origami collection


Brand: Mancini Trading Plush 2-Ply Soft Bathroom Tissue
Label: What appears to be a cherry hanging from some wheat. Great God.
Feels Like: Exactly that. Wiping with a stalk of wheat with a cherry hanging from it.


Brand: WS500 Soft & Lush Bath Tissue
Label: The Windows 7 Desktop Photo, and a very friendly brand name.
Feels Like: You're not really trying to wipe your ass.



"Luxurious and Embossed!"


Brand: Bay West
Label: As generic as they get
Feels Like: Michael Bay exploding your anus with C4 strapped to paper


Brand: ROLLMASTR
Label: BIG INDUSTRL SPOOL
Feels Like: RLLY RLLY HRTS


Brand: Generic Seattle-scene Grunge Toilet Paper
Label: None. They reject labels.
Feels Like: Wiping with Eddie Vedder's old burlap poncho


Brand: Windsoft
Label: Flowing blue graphics, and the promise of "A Touch of Tenderness"
Feels Like: That goddamn toilet paper was lying.


Brand: Optima Double Soft Floral Embossed Bath Tissue
Label: Green marble. Like that lobby in "The Matrix"
Feels Like: Accidentally sitting on a knife

Smecial Dreams Entry (Because You've Been Good And Deserve It)

From me:




From Andrew:




From Barb:



From Tom:

A Brief Summary and Critique of "The Cat Sitter Trilogy," As Sold At Petsmart

The Cat Sitter Trilogy at first glance is a series of innocent DVDs designed to amuse your cats while you go out whoring at clubs. Closer analysis, however, reveals a tightly-constructed narrative that begins with a simple coming of age story and builds into an almost apocalyptic war epic with the fate of nations in the balance. Here now we break the DVDs down into the individual stories that make this impressive story arc.

Cat Sitter DVD, "Volume 1: "Birds" informally titled "Justice Unserved"

Young actor Jay Baruchel plays the awkward teenage kid who runs his father's birdcage shop. He happens upon a secret compartment in the stockroom, and inside is a magical Macguffin which awakens his latent bird powers. The first twenty minutes of this installment covers him learning how to perch, peck and sit inside the little squares in a chain link fence. He is trained by a Japanese man named Xu Daoning, although it's clearly a Chinese name, and he's played by a caucasian actor with eye shadow. Whatever.

Cat Sitter DVD, "Volume 2: "Rodents" informally titled "From Earth We Shall Master Ourselves; To The Sky We Shall Reign Over All"

Jay Baruchel continues as a young, troubled but talented teenager who must unite the world of birds with that of the underground rodents. This second installment, like "The Empire Strikes Back," is all a big downer designed to create new obstacles for our more fleshed out protagonist. Also, the Japanese guy is now played by a Chinese guy. Baby steps.



Cat Sitter DVD, "Volume 3: "Yarn and String" informally titled "Fuck All Y'All"

The production company pulls all the stops in this magnificent third installment. String, yarn, and even thread take part in this epic battle for supremacy. Jay Baruchel has grown a half-decent moustache by now, and the powers he holds over birds and rodents are only matched by his opponent, Xu Daoning! It turns out he was training him all along so that he could defeat him! The battle rages on for almost 3 full minutes before Jay Baruchel decides to use one of his "illegal" moves, thereby defeating his old master, etc etc.

Will cats enjoy this trilogy? I have yet to see a cat not take a swipe at the screen. Will your children like it? You have children and you're still going out whoring? You need to get your priorities straight, Veronica and Angela.

UAG

And Now For Some Slug Porn

I bet you didn't wake up this morning thinking you'd see slugs fucking today. But the universe deals out the cards any which way, and so here we are.