UAG

The ProofrEADJer, Almost Payday Edition

Let's Adjust The Fake Mustache On The EADJ Mail Sack!

This wonderful ad submitted by Andrew via text:

Nice Exacto work, Andrew! And also submitted by Andrew, using the same technology: INCREDULOUS ICE CREAM

An Open Invitation To Hooters To Just Come Off It Already

Hey Hooters

You're not fooling anybody, you know. This whole "we have a wholesome girls-next-door" image is a huge vatful of horseshit. You should just admit that you're selling fried food served with tits.


"Oh, we're just a chicken wing restaurant named after owls, and you're the one with the dirty mind." Right. That's why nighttime strippers work your afternoon shifts. That's why your commercials feature girls jumping up and down. That's why you had one of your waitresses appear on a news program to show this skill (I am so embarrassed for that female host):



Who are you trying to fool exactly? The mothers of teenage boys who are begging them to take them there? Your local city council who would otherwise outlaw strip clubs from the strip mall? The girls themselves? Because I'm pretty sure they're willingly wearing tank tops and panty hose with Keds and not thinking that's some random arbitrary dress code.


It's time you stopped pretending to be a mainstream brand and embrace the fact that you're peddling low-rent semi-porn. Pretty much the exact opposite of what GoDaddy.com has been doing.

All Geek To Me

Spotted at the local comic store, some neato Star Wars Jedi Force figures.


On the back, however, I noticed a legal line:



"Products shown in fantasy situation." Well, obviously it is, because Vader was never at Docking Bay 94 in Mos Eisley when the Stormtroopers were trying to apprehend Han, Luke, Ben, the droids and Chewy when they had left the cantina. Also, by that time, Luke had already sold his X-34 landspeeder to the Vuvrian alien Wioslea to help pay Han and Chewy to take them to Alderaan. I mean, right, guys? Ahem.

What the Shitfuck

So the other week I had to move some shrubs from one part of my yard into some planters. The planters look great now.


But the mass of torn up yard where they were looks like ass.


That's easily remedied by a quick trip to the Home Depot garden center to pick up some sod. Easy enough. But what is interesting is what I found amongst the old dirt:


#@$% autofocus!


I think this is some sort of pet treat ball. It's rubber on the outside with a little loose doohickey inside.


And what is this, an old horse stirrup? (A few minutes later I realized it was actually the brake for a 10 speed bicycle. Duh.)

Why is this shit buried in the backyard under shrubbery? If I dig deeper, will I find a rusty bike and a ferret skeleton? The previous owner to my house must have been some sort of junkyard voodoo wizard.

If You See A Suspicious Package At The Airport, Please Report It.

A suspicious package could be left in the middle of the airport, in plain view. So please keep your eyes peeled.


The package could take many forms. Like a brown paper package. Or a black roller. Or a gigantic industrial grey garbage can with a green garden hose running into it from the ceiling for no goddamned reason. You know, everyday things like that.

From A Recent Issue of "The Maplewood Leaflet"

Page 5 of The Maplewood Leaflet featured an article on how to control mold in your home.

Tips included ventilating bathrooms, installing sump pumps, and replacing dry wall that has been exposed to flooding.

Interestingly enough, in the same issue on page 10, there is a section on how to control Bob Mould in your home.


Now, controlling the songwriter and former guitarist/singer for Hüsker Dü and Sugar in your home is a little more complex than you might think. First of all, many young home owners haven't heard the double album "Zen Arcade" or even "Candy Apple Grey," so identifying the very presence of Bob Mould in your home can be a challenge. So here are ways to detect Bob Mould in your home:

• Your linoleum floors are marked with clean production, good pacing and collaboration with Grant Hart
• The distinct odor of not breaking out of alt-rock into mainstream music
• Odd sounds behind drywall, like the announcement of North American tour dates
• NME keeps dropping by to declare your foyer "Album Of The Year"
• Bleak down-and-out lyrical imagery like "He's hardly getting over it/Hardly getting used to getting by" has been upsetting your pets

Hopefully by identifying Bob Mould in your home, you can act quickly to save your home from mistakenly leaving SST for Warner Brothers Records and keep it from being too exposed to the pre-"120 Minutes" 1980's American indie scene.

Jerald Controversy, Part II

In response to Tom's bristling remark from the previous entry, Andrew admitted that taking a Jerald tribute photo was indeed more difficult to pull off. He mentioned that last weekend, he had actually attempted to take one but broke a glass candle holder in the process:
"Yep. Sat my camera on it to try to take a timer photo."

Tom's response:
"It's karma. The universe will not allow Jerald's image to be duplicated haphazardly."

In related Jerald Johnson news, since posting my tribute photo on my WAYN profile page, three people have viewed it!


Tragically, none of them were Jerald himself.


Stay tuned for more news on this extremely important, infinitely fresh subject.

Eat a dick, eat a dick, waaaaaaay dick

For fun, Joel tried writing some palindromes today. Here are his failed attempts:

Onomatopoeia, that's my tomato!

Stomach comatose Sacramento.

I regret escargot.

Tits.

Ryan Philippe, pull my urine.

Go hang a salami, I love to eat dick!

Bryan Dixon nixed an Arab.

(pictured above, the Chicago spring collection is revealed)