Excerpts From "Because I Love You" by Julia Hubery & Cee Biscoe

"I debase myself every day at Jamba Juice, working for that colossal prick Ray, just to take home half a decent paycheck... because I love you."

"I pawned Grandma's scooter and threw her walker on the roof... because I love you."

"I went to the DMV and legally changed my name to 'You'... because I love you."

"I held my tongue when you told me that fried dough and funnel cakes were the same thing when it is pretty goddamned obvious that they are NOT the same thing... because I love you."

"I returned the One Ring to Sauron, thus dooming all of Middle Earth to an eternity of slavery and despair... because I love you."

"I blew a trainyard full of syphilitic hobos... because I love you."

"I hated the player and the game... because I love you."

"I went on that useless, time-wasting, money suck of a shitty weekend horseback riding– against my better judgement and I hate to say I told you so... because I love you."

"I piss less on the seat nowadays... because I love you."

"I could make myself believe it's not butter... because I love you."

"I fucking hate you... because I love you."

Lobsterfest® Doesn't Forgive You For Your Sins

We at Red Lobster pride ourselves on our commitment to keep a good thing going, and Lobsterfest® is certainly one of those really good things. We tell ourselves every morning how lucky we are to not only be alive in these exciting times, but also are thrilled at every new way that we have to serve lobster bits to you hungering masses. Here now (with some help from Andrew Gall) are the latest menu offerings for Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster:

• Special lobster bibs made from the finest silk will be draped from your neck. A man with a clear shot at you from across the room will fling a lobster at your mouth at a speed of about 120 mph. If everything goes well, you will enjoy some delicious lobster at a super-fast speed, all without soiling our very expensive lobster bibs, which we've obviously poured a lot of money into. That there is some neat way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• Using your smartphone, you can order our Wood-Grilled Lobster with BBQ Glaze by texting WGSHRWBBQG to 044020, Crunchy Potato-Crusted Lobster by texting SRCHPTTCRSTLBST to 044021, or Garlic Lobster Scampi by texting GRLCLBSTERSCMPI to 044022. And don't forget the Coconut Lobster Bites! Just text FUCKYOURMOTHERIWANTSOMECOCONUTLOBSTERBITES to 044023! Standard text messaging rates apply. Some serious high-tech way here to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• A bounty hunter named Huzz is hired by our corporate office to find you. Once he does, he will tranquilize you and drag your sorry ass to our restaurant. Our manager will waken you with a slap across your stupid face, demanding to know why you haven't come to our restaurant yet after seeing all the advertisements we ran on the television programs that you watch. You will notice that Huzz is rubbing his erection under his pants. See? That seems to be another way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• Lobsterfest becomes a Facebook war game that no one plays, probably due to poor reach from the assorted Facebook ads featuring a lobster wearing a beanie. Internal arguments abound, and the whole Lobsterfest marketing and PR teams get canned. Once the dust settles, that account executive that never did anything but order cupcakes for meetings gets to come up with an entirely new PR strategy on his own. And that, it can be assumed, is another great way to enjoy Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• We promote Lobsterfest as a new national holiday. Drum circles form. People tell people. A MOVEMENT is created! People embrace the day of celebration with copious amounts of food and drink, and everyone gets along, swinging and swaying merrily with our patented “On Lobster, oh lobster™” refrain. The next day, everyone wakes up and wonders what the fuck they were thinking last night. And that might just be another way to enjoy Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster, depending on your time zone.

Are You There, God? It's Me, Facebook.

I ain't the most religious person in the world, but I'm pretty sure none of that vague inspirational crap on your "Message From God" Facebook app isn't based on scripture. Unless you count "Love Is..." comic strips as New Testament.

The ProofrEADJer

Our schools are failing!








Sometimes I do wonder whay is sexual harassment.

The Second Best Photo I've Ever Taken

I snapped this photo on the NJ Transit train last night.
I've titled this "The 2 Kinds of Men."


Here is my previous favorite photo.

But just as a reminder, here is the GREATEST PHOTO I'VE EVER TAKEN:

"CNN is Now For 12 Year Olds."

That's a quote from my wife. And she's right.
This is on CNN.com's front page:


For mo' better news, go to

BBC
Real Clear Politics (thanks, John Reid!)
and even Google News which compiles different sources.

(My favorite dinosaur is the nonexistent Brontosaurus, btw)

The EADJ Crappinema Presents Da Station

Remember that great show "WKRP?" And the urban comedy smash "Barbershop?" Well, the makers of Da Station saw them, too, and figured they could make something as good or better. Problem is nobody amongst them knew how to write dialogue. Or a plot. Or knew how to type it up on the computer. Or knew how to fix the printer once the "low ink" light came on. So the movie was pretty much a neato premise with an impressive cast that slowly falls apart due to no story. By the end, it's such a flaccid pigfuck that I'm surprised anyone showed up at the last day.



























And with all hip hoppers, it always ends in violence (did white guys write this?).


(Click to play)
$5 to anyone who can decipher what these two guys are mumbling.









So by this point, the filmmakers were throwing pretty much everything against the wall to make the movie interesting. One of the things they threw was a Miss Big Booty '96 pageant full of more terrible stereotypes! Yay!


(Click to play)





When you're writing a comedy ("urban" or not), I understand that you often have to create broad characters and situations to get the funny. But to have two types of characters: the jackass clown and the straight, boring one who isn't a jackass clown, you're just being lazy.

Overall grade: F