Meanwhile, At the Gaslight Restaurant...

"Here's your check, folks! Thanks for coming!"

*Looks at check*

"Excuse me, miss?"

"Yes?"

"This seems to be another person's check. And it's for $673.44"

"No, that's the correct check. You're table 8."

"But I only ordered a salad for lunch. This check lists Ossobuco and a bottle of 1995 Chateau Pontet-Canet Pauillac for $480."

"Yes, I hope you enjoyed that Bordeaux. I told you it was full bodied and fruity!"

"But you didn't. And I didn't have any wine for lunch. This is all a mistake. Could I speak to your manager?"

"You already did. And you told her you would pay for your bill. You don't remember?"

"I did?"

"Yep. Will you be paying with Visa or Mastercard?"

"...Uh, Mastercard, I guess..."

UAG

 

The EADJ Pun Police: Concert Security Edition

Yes, this is a big venue. But the size of the crowd shouldn't keep me from doing my job. HEY YOU,  NO GLASS CONTAINERS ON THE GRASS! Let's keep an eye on the troublemakers and make sure the puns aren't too out of line, shall we?

Okay, that's a bit of a groaner. But it's a bold move to make an abortion joke. I'll allow it.

Rum-Ball. Ugh. That's not too good. Gonna have to kick them out next time they act up.

HEY SUBWAY! That's no way to behave in the pit! You're outta here!

I don't know who you are, but "GNAT A PROBLEM" is an awful pun and strictly forbidden at this venue as stated on your ticket, so you're OUT. OUT!

STOP THE SHOW! EVACUATE THE PREMISES! GET THE TALENT OFF THE STAGE! EVERYONE IS IN DANGER HERE! OUT! OUT! OUT! 

Say 'Hello Again' To Communications That Tell You To Say Goodbye To Something!

Goodbye! Goodbye! Bye bye! Bye-bye! Goodbye!

Today We Asked A Man With His Head Squeezed Between A Woman's Thighs To Explain The Coronavirus

"Oh, that's a great one. And so timely! The disease is actually called COVID-19 and is caused by a coronavirus called SARS-CoV-2. Older adults and people who have severe underlying medical conditions like heart or lung disease or diabetes seem to be at higher risk for developing more serious complications from COVID-19 illness. There are as yet no vaccines or antiviral drugs to prevent or treat human coronavirus infections. I'm glad you asked!"

"Wait, I managed to explain the whole thing without these two thighs interru..." *NECK SNAPS*

6 Lies Told By the Choo Choo Barn Brochure

Choo Choo Barn is a kid-friendly toy train museum that invites families to come look at a bunch of small shit running through some other small shit to make a whole charming small world of shit. If I sound bitter it's because they wouldn't let me take a poo there even though I showed a ticket stub that I had just been there 6 years prior. 

1) Enjoy seeing hardworking truckers frustratedly sit in traffic while trains whisk by them!

2) The billboard doesn't actually show missing children from a previous tour group who wandered too far into the "Cave of Nothingness."

3) If Amish Country weren't quaint enough for you city folk, the miniature version will charm the ever living whorepennies out of your godless, Instagramming pockets!

4) Master modeler and second generation owner Tom Groff dresses like a doctor, but is NOT a licensed podiatrist. So put your boots back on, Aunt Tina.

5) Scanning this QR code actually takes you here.

6) The Choo Choo Barn Twitter feed is mostly just shirtless shots of Tom Groff, with and without the white lab coat.

-----------------

Lenscrafters is proud to announce the exclusive "Six Lies Told" line of premium eyeglass frames.

Made with quality plasticine ceramic and putty, these exquisite, lightweight and high-end frames can help you spot lies up to 200 meters away, or only 2 inches away if you're nearsighted haha. That's a joke.

These limited edition "6L" frames will be available in Huron Blue, Agassi Red and Vulva Green and will retail for $295.00.

The Pathmark of the Beast

An Open Letter To Generations Younger And Older Than Me

Dear Generations Younger And Older Than Me:

What is your problem? All you do is sit there, complaining about the values and behavior of my generation. You say that we're out of touch with your generation's needs and desires, that we can't understand your problems because we don't simply don't care.

Hey, look. We do care, but our generation's got our own problems to deal with, like having and raising kids, keeping down a good-paying job to pay for the mortgage, and trying to find some REAL music on the radio. All you ever do is sit in your bedroom, blaring your godawful music (who listens to that?!) and whining about when dinnertime is coming.

We recognize that there's this generational divide that we'll never get over. We will never understand your stupid pop culture references and your fixation with those movie stars whose names we've never heard of, and frankly, we don't think we're missing out on much.

And what the fuck are you wearing?! Jesus, you need to get to a mall and buy some normal clothes that actually fit you. Just look at how your pants fit. You're embarrassing the rest of the family! And make yourself useful and do the goddamned laundry!

Oh. Also, we don't think you should drive.

Love,
My Generation

The One Where I Really Give It To Some Inanimate Objects

Bead Maze


Bead Maze?! What. The. Fuck. You know what your problem is? You don't know what the hell you are. Admit it, you're not really a maze; you're just a bunch of crap wooden beads strung along some shitty wire. Okay, maybe it's a challenging "maze" to an infant, but infants don't know shit already- babies are confused by shoes and doors. So you're setting a really low bar for yourself.

And putting yourself on wheels to be pulled around is a pathetic attempt at trying to be a fun toy. Oh boy, let's wheel this boring thing over here– maybe it will be more interesting across the room. No, how about down that long flight of Exorcist stairs? I can't stand you, Bead Maze. Go fuck yourself.

Posters That Show Elvis, Marilyn Monroe, James Dean and Others Hanging Out




You guys have got to cut it out. I know that there are a lot of fans of James Dean who also appreciate Marilyn Monroe and others, but God, why this insistent urge to have them hanging around and shooting pool as if they were all best friends? It's tacky. No, it's fucking TRAGIC. Leave those dead people be. Even in the best airbrushing jobs, Humphrey Bogart looks uncomfortable and embarrassed. Sure, it's true that Elvis emulated his movie star heroes James Dean and Marlon Brando, but it's also a known fact that his idols were "sullen, self-obsessed and at times completely anti-social."

How about if you guys just take it down a notch with your masturbatory Hollywood horseshit. None of you can even get consistent lighting on the movie stars. You're misguided, horribly rendered pieces of art trash. And I fucked your mothers.

Olives

FUCK YOU, OLIVES. YOU ARE NEVER WELCOME! Well, maybe in a martini. BUT NOT ON PIZZA OR SALAD OR IN LITTLE DISHES AT ITALIAN RESTAURANTS!!! YOUR SEMI-CRISP TEXTURE AND BITTER TASTE INFURIATE ME SO MUCH I WANT TO BURN YOUR TREES AND DRAG THEIR ASHY HUSKS OFF A PIER! AND GET THOSE STUPID SHITTY PIMENTOS OUT OF YOUR ASSES. YOU LOOK LIKE A BUNCH OF ASSHOLES!

***Bonus Note: I just noticed that that bead maze was sort of shaped like a choo choo. Another nice try, pinheads.

"Our?!"

(pictured above, the wrong possessive determiner at the Delmonico salad bar doesn't seem to gross anybody out)