Newman's Own Salad Dressing Labels Have Changed and are No Longer Fun

THEN: 

Cheeky, customized illustrations of beloved actor Paul Newman dressed in various national garb to match the salad dressing flavor. So fun!

NOW:

Safe, uninspired bottle labels that shrank Newman's likeness and confined him to a small area, surrounded by floating ingredients, like some kind of salad Phantom Zone. Weak.

A Message From The Lettuce In Your Salad

Hey. I know you're about to enjoy this salad that I'm in, but I just wanted to get this out before you start:

You can't escape me. 

I mean it. You can't avoid me. You can add shredded chicken, cheese, cherry tomatoes, croutons... whatever, I don't care. Knock yourself out. But you can't get away from lettuce. I AM THE SALAD.

You can drench me in dressing. You can sprinkle bacon bits. You can even throw a hard boiled egg in there, I don't give a shit. All that extra stuff will be happily devoured by you, but you will still be facing ME when it's over. I'll be seeing you.

Hahahahaha look at me at the bottom of the bowl! I told you! I AM INEVITABLE.

FYI

Pictured below, the entirety of the salad bar at Chuck E. Cheese:

The Best Compliments You Can Expect From Your Family When You Serve Them a Really Badly Done Version of a Pan-Roasted Pear Salad Recipe

"You can really taste the pan."

"Oh, what a lovely inedible centerpiece!"

"Wow, did you core the pears AND crumble the blue cheese yourself?"

"I finished it and I'm not nauseous."

"Hey, a nickel!"

"I thought eating salad was supposed to be good for you."

"You burned the pears. I'm kidding. You ruined all of it!"

"Hello, Domino's?"

Random 7-11 Shelf Fun

I don't know if you've ever tried this particular flavor of Coca-Cola, but imagine toxic waste combined with stale sweetener. Still better than a Pepsi, though.

This is for the ULTIMATE peanut butter lovers who don't want to fuck around with some chocolate covering on a Reese's. Why? Because it's not peanut butter! I imagine actual ultimate peanut butter lovers are just scooping straight out of a peanut butter jar into their mouths.

I'm not sure if this sign is up for health code reasons, for public safety reasons, or just because they were sick of seeing dumbasses burn their fingers. 

Yummy.

I think this is a recipe directed at guys who want to brag that they tossed Jennifer Aniston's salad.

Kickstarter's Funded and Failed Projects, 2021

The following Kickstarter campaigns were the most successful crowdfunding campaigns of 2021:

• GUUS: the cell phone for geese

• Reshoes: shoes made from recycled shoes

• Yeatstinguisher: a one-of-a-kind extinguisher that puts out fires with the poetry of William Butler Yeats

• Teeny-beerer: whimsical working party keg for teenagers

• Kickstarter Scam: the Board Game- simulates you screwing people over with bogus Kickstarter campaigns

The following Kickstarter campaigns were the least successful crowdfunding campaigns of 2021:

• The Asimov Foundation: sci-fi makeup that makes your skin resemble that of the legendary Isaac Asimov

• Cumbucha

• Leafbeaters: vegan tank tops

• Hipster money clip #4,833,928

• Remote controlled toupee

The ProofrEADJer: Almost Thanksgiving Edition

And one from my cousin Melissa:

You Know What's Not Clever Anymore?

Power buttons.

New York, The Most Exciting City In The World

Pictured below, an old man gets directions while holding a green pepper and a dollar.

A Word On "Salad"

I don't know which fuckers to blame, but thanks to overgeneralizing and brazen misuse, the definition of the word "salad" has been stretched to point of uselessness. Here are some prime examples of what I'm talking about:

• Potato salad. Is it sliced and lightly seasoned potatoes in a bed of crisp lettuce? No, it's a bunch of yellow potato chunks swimming in yellow nasty mayonnaise. Usually shipped in a white bucket and served from a big metal spoon with a big, wet slap onto your plate or cafeteria tray. It's essentially the middle finger in a more viscous form.

• Chicken salad. Chopped or cubed chicken breast on a bed of crisp lettuce? No, actually it's shredded chicken parts mixed with celery(!) bits and pounded into a thick paste with mayonnaise and despair. Often eaten between two confused pieces of bread. Tuna salad is in the same boat here.

• Egg salad. Yum, slices of hard-boiled egg whites on a bed of crisp lettuce! No, wait. Actually, somebody put the yellow-and-nasty treatment on it– just like potato salad– and added something thicker to the mayonnaise, so that it clumps even more and can't ooze when sitting in the sandwich vending machine for a month.


• Marshmallow salad. Oh dear shit, this one is a doozy. First of all, marshmallows have no business being anywhere near the word "salad" to begin with, so there's no way sliced marshmallows would ever be on a bed of crisp lettuce. But some fat woman got the idea of taking CANNED FRUIT and mixing it with marshmallows, Jello, and cream cheese and chilling it. I'm not sure if this is intended as a side dish or a dessert, but Jesus help me if anyone would consider that a "salad." Just say goodbye to both your feet to type 2 diabetes if you eat that.

• Fruit salad. Fresh sliced fruit on a crisp bed of lettuce? No, a bunch of shitty pears and cherries chopped up and canned in sugary syrup. Fuck your mother.

• Macaroni salad. Is that mayonnaise again?

**Editor's note: The following YouTube clip was posted before on EADJ, so you don't have to watch. But we thought it was relevant to the piece.



• Seafood salad. Fresh cut crabmeat and shrimp on a crisp bed of lettuce? Who are we kidding at this point?

• Pasta salad. Haahahahaaaha. Good one.


I think the main culprit in most of this is mayonnaise. I love some mayo on a sandwich like the next guy, but to start pouring jars of it into a bowl and passing it off as some nasty dish that no one wants at the potluck is fucking vile. Everybody, stop it.

This Week's Asshole

Spotted at a steak house in Jersey, some classy lady wears her fur coat to the salad bar, shedding mink (maybe dog) hair all over the cucumbers, lettuce and cherry tomatoes.

UAG

A Tale of Two Thursdays

From last week:


Pictured left, John Reid gets to meet and work with the legendary Biz Markie in a Christmas tree outfit.

Pictured right, David Estoye eats a salad at his desk, wondering how sunflower seeds ended up in there.

Go Go Go, Anti-Pun Force X!

"Hurry Red X, Blue X, and Green X, we waste no time to go!"
"Roger that, Black X! Must hurry to fight! ASSEMBLE TEAM!"
"ASSEMBLE TOGETHER!"
"ALL MEMBERS FIGHT PUNS GO NOW!"

(Anti-Pun Force X Theme Song)
They span the globe, Anti-Pun Force X!
They find the puns, Anti-Pun Force X!
They will rescue you, Anti-Pun Force X!
Until they won't stop, Anti-Pun Force X!


"Black X, Pink X here. I have identified a vintage LP record title!"
"Scanning... Stand down, Pink X. The pun is mild and not dangerous enough to pose a threat. Rejoin formation!"


"Gold X here. I have received three transmissions from a Larry K via cell phone camera. The three images are a little blurry, but I see pun activity underground!"




"Those are pretty awful, Gold X! It looks like part of some larger campaign of puns! Deploy underground anti-pun missile ordnance rockets!"
"Deploying!"
"Pink X here! I have detected my own transmission from a Beth Stone in the same city!"


"'Make her thorny?!' Why, the entire city is under siege! Prepare the robo-lasers and superthrust sensor mines! Scatter throughout the city and report back!"
"Ho!"
"Ho!"
"Ho!"


"There are so many ads, Black X! So many to resist! My thrusters are overheating, must eject from my mech before meltdown!"
"That is a negative, Mauve X! Stay on target and take each target down!"


"Backup systems are failing! Switching to manual override!"
"Do NOT abandon your posts!"


"Most of the city is under control now, Black X!"
"Good work, Periwinkle X! You and Burnt Umber X join me when you're done. I've got a special Internet mission for us!"
"On our way, sir!"


"'BarackBerry.' These Internet headline puns are terrible, sir!"
"That's right. It's because the writers think just because they don't make it in print, that they can disperse these terrible puns without consequence."
"LOOK OUT, SIR!"


"Holy sparklers, Periwinkle X. I dodged that terrible pun in the nick of time. My armor has been compromised. You and Burnt Umber X report back to base, I'll take care of this one myself..."

TO BE CONTINUED....?

(Anti-Pun Force X Theme Song)

The Most Boring EADJ Entry Ever.

Me and Tom had lunch at Euro Diner one day. I ordered a salad and the dressing came in this:


Okay, neat. They repurposed a Snapple bottle. Saving the earth or whatevers. But then I look over at the next table:


What the who-hey? I get recycled garbage for my condiment, and they get a real dressing bottle? What kind of sickening social injustice is this? Am I living in the sixties again? Are you completely bored out of your mind now? I am.

The Day I Found VD in My Salad.

It's not every day you manage to spot a social disease in your lunch.



See it? VD!



Holy Mother of Goldschlager. Pewter Bear. You're back.


Yeah, yeah, yeah. We didn't ask you what you've been up to. We just commented that you were back. Like we haven't been missing you. At all.


That's right. Pukefucker. Let it soak into your thick, hateable pewter skull. We don't like you here. Hell, nobody ANYWHERE likes you, Pewter Bear. You're a miserable, kickable, douchetastic explosion of detestable mule droppings on a piss cart.


Hmm. True.