This Is Real.

Spotted in a safety insert on a United flight:

United asks only Gen X dads to keep their safety belt on at all times.

"It's cool! No one will ever notice!"

If You See A Suspicious Package At The Airport, Please Report It.

A suspicious package could be left in the middle of the airport, in plain view. So please keep your eyes peeled.


The package could take many forms. Like a brown paper package. Or a black roller. Or a gigantic industrial grey garbage can with a green garden hose running into it from the ceiling for no goddamned reason. You know, everyday things like that.

Swipe This

Spotted in the Milwaukee airport (don't ask):

That's Not Right, Continental.

Pictured below, a RACIST PLANE.

What Not To Wear. Ever.

Spotted in the security line at the Newark Airport, black leggings over pink frilly panties. I will repeat that. Black leggings OVER pink frilly panties.




"Shee-it. I know I look good."

Dick in an Upright and Locked Position

Joel had warm nuts in his mouth today.

Not the kind that you roast beside a skating rink. The kind that hang in pairs inside a huge, hairy scrotum. Yeah, that kind.

It was all a part of The United Way's Sucking Nuts For Diabetes, an annual event held by the Orange County Memorial Hospital. Its organizer Sue McCloskey had misheard that Joel eats other things besides dick and invited him to suck a pair of nuts for the children. An avid diabetic and a supporter of good causes, Joel said yes rather than correcting her.

Joel sucked nuts for exactly 6 hours last Saturday, fulfilling sponsors' bids and racking up an impressive $300 for diabetes research. Way to go, Suck Nutter! Now go eat a dick!

(pictured above, Delta Airlines condones that any evil action can be justified if it is done for a good purpose, meaning it's okay to murder a million puppies if that can get you to Tulsa for the conference)