Social media's biggest collection of influencers, vloggers and useless dipshits luminaries will grace the stage at VidCon US 2024 next month. Here are the latest appearances scheduled:
• Jake Paul and Logan Paul will fight over the last Hot Pocket in the freezer
• Viral ukulele player Sondra Gash will play the entire catalog of Pink Floyd on the convention hall roof, rain or shine
• Liam Kyle Sullivan, the creator responsible for the 2006 viral video "Shoes", will celebrate his 80th birthday
• Virtual influencer "Skynet" will make a big announcement
• Manosphere podcasters Joe T & Buck will oil up and shave each other onstage to show how straight they are
• The Drake/Kendrick Lamar beef explodes when their respective caterers face off
• 4-hour "In Memoriam" montage for all the Instagrammers who died doing something stupid
Hey. I know you're about to enjoy this salad that I'm in, but I just wanted to get this out before you start:
You can't escape me.
I mean it. You can't avoid me. You can add shredded chicken, cheese, cherry tomatoes, croutons... whatever, I don't care. Knock yourself out. But you can't get away from lettuce. I AM THE SALAD.
You can drench me in dressing. You can sprinkle bacon bits. You can even throw a hard boiled egg in there, I don't give a shit. All that extra stuff will be happily devoured by you, but you will still be facing ME when it's over. I'll be seeing you.
Hahahahaha look at me at the bottom of the bowl! I told you! I AM INEVITABLE.
I'm just kidding. I love Greta and support what she's doing.
You can donate here to Oil Change International, a charity she supports that exposes the true costs of fossil fuels and facilitates the ongoing transition to clean energy. I did!
I don't know which fuckers to blame, but thanks to overgeneralizing and brazen misuse, the definition of the word "salad" has been stretched to point of uselessness. Here are some prime examples of what I'm talking about:
• Potato salad. Is it sliced and lightly seasoned potatoes in a bed of crisp lettuce? No, it's a bunch of yellow potato chunks swimming in yellow nasty mayonnaise. Usually shipped in a white bucket and served from a big metal spoon with a big, wet slap onto your plate or cafeteria tray. It's essentially the middle finger in a more viscous form.
• Chicken salad. Chopped or cubed chicken breast on a bed of crisp lettuce? No, actually it's shredded chicken parts mixed with celery(!) bits and pounded into a thick paste with mayonnaise and despair. Often eaten between two confused pieces of bread. Tuna salad is in the same boat here.
• Egg salad. Yum, slices of hard-boiled egg whites on a bed of crisp lettuce! No, wait. Actually, somebody put the yellow-and-nasty treatment on it– just like potato salad– and added something thicker to the mayonnaise, so that it clumps even more and can't ooze when sitting in the sandwich vending machine for a month.
• Marshmallow salad. Oh dear shit, this one is a doozy. First of all, marshmallows have no business being anywhere near the word "salad" to begin with, so there's no way sliced marshmallows would ever be on a bed of crisp lettuce. But some fat woman got the idea of taking CANNED FRUIT and mixing it with marshmallows, Jello, and cream cheese and chilling it. I'm not sure if this is intended as a side dish or a dessert, but Jesus help me if anyone would consider that a "salad." Just say goodbye to both your feet to type 2 diabetes if you eat that.
• Fruit salad. Fresh sliced fruit on a crisp bed of lettuce? No, a bunch of shitty pears and cherries chopped up and canned in sugary syrup. Fuck your mother.
• Macaroni salad. Is that mayonnaise again?
**Editor's note: The following YouTube clip was posted before on EADJ, so you don't have to watch. But we thought it was relevant to the piece.
• Seafood salad. Fresh cut crabmeat and shrimp on a crisp bed of lettuce? Who are we kidding at this point?
• Pasta salad. Haahahahaaaha. Good one.
I think the main culprit in most of this is mayonnaise. I love some mayo on a sandwich like the next guy, but to start pouring jars of it into a bowl and passing it off as some nasty dish that no one wants at the potluck is fucking vile. Everybody, stop it.
(pictured above, what happens when the goddamn salad place doesn't put a fork in your takeout bag and then when you get back to the office there's a goddamned meeting hogging the kitchen)
Joel is on vacation, so there's not a ton to report on EADJ.
Except that Joel is planning to go on a 4-day dick eating marathon (pun intended!) in the sunny Florida Keys. Nothing but sun, fun, and huge Florida cock bouncing in the back of Joel's thirsty mouth. Joel has already filled his schedule, so anyone in the Key Largo, Islamorada, Marathon or Big Pine Key area who wants their dicks eaten in a hammock is out of luck. Joel will be staying at the luxurious Sugarloaf Lodge in a poolside villa. Look for the red NO VAGINAS sign on his hut!
(pictured above, some of the C-K expensable meals you can have under $7)
