The Off-Brand TP Round-Up Returns

Brand: Platinum Facial Quality Bathroom Tissue

Brand Features: A piss yellow wrapper with a background of either clouds or fried chicken

Feels Like: 2-ply fried chicken

Brand: Monogram Toilet Tissue Rolls

Brand Features: Features CLEANING and DISPOSABLES(?) with little blue leaves

Feels Like: Getting a wedgy in burlap bike shorts

Brand: Crystal 525

Brand Features: A white dove and white flowers

Feels Like: Wiping with parchment on fire

Brand: Softouch Quality Bathroom Tissue

Brand Features: A nondescript blue oval. Some friendly rounded letters.

Feels Like: Getting slapped on the anus with streamers

Brand: Elegant Essentials

Brand Features: "Made With 100% Recycled Fibers"

Feels Like: Some of those fibers were steel wool from the apocalypse

Another Off-Brand TP Roundup

Brand: Brighton Professional

Brand Imagery: A swirling, gaping black asshole

Brand Promise: It's over before you know it

Feels Like: A Dremel tool on the basement door

Brand: MONOGRAM

Brand Imagery: Nothing except a blue bar

Brand Promise: A personalized approach

Feels Like: Hiding pine cones in your ass for later

Brand: CINTAS Signature Series

Brand Imagery: Elegant green S's

Brand Promise: A limited edition, special invitation-only event

Feels Like: A public, anonymous free-for-all on your butthole

Brand: Unnamed

Brand Imagery: A giraffe's hide?

Brand Promise: Like wiping with a giraffe?

Feels Like: Wiping with a giraffe

Brand: Unnamed

Brand Imagery: What looks like an arrowhead? Or a Star Destroyer from Star Wars? Or Superman sitting in a top?

Brand Promise: Sharp-edged object coming your way

Feels Like: Driving a knife where you shouldn't

I Can't Believe We Have Another Off-Brand TP Roundup

Brand: Keep It Green

Brand Imagery: Butterflies and leaves over grass or some shit

Brand Promise: An all-natural bathroom experience

Feels Like: Wiping with a scout badge

Brand: Slurpass* Surpass* Facial Tissue

Brand Imagery: A black oval, some beige leaves, and the brand name accompanied by an asterisk asshole

Brand Promise: Like nothing you've ever used before

Feels Like: Like nothing you've ever used before– like a radioactive cactus on fire

Brand: North River

Brand Imagery: What looks like the Led Zeppelin Zoso Symbols

Brand Promise: "A Stairway To Heaven"

Feels Like: "Trampled Under Foot"

Brand: Green Heritage

Brand Imagery: Leaves, leaves leaves.

Brand Promise: A feeling like being set adrift on a raft of billowing leaves

Feels Like: Sasquatch going in dry

Brand: Mont Royal

Brand Imagery: A fancy cursive name in royal blue

Brand Promise: A regal time on "the throne"

Feels Like: A violent revolt (with torches) in the central valley

Brand: Soft Touch

Brand Imagery: Rounded cursive letters over a soothing blue background

Brand Promise: "We won't hurt you..."

Feels Like: "...much."

The Off-Brand TP Roundup Will Never Go Away

(This submitted by Andrew Gall via text)

Brand: Marathon

Brand Imagery: Shades of blue and gray

Brand Promise: You'll never 'run out?'

Brand Reality: Probably a better idea to wipe your ass with that Betty & Veronica comic book instead

Brand: Toilet Tissue® 2-Ply

Brand Imagery: What almost looks like black and green argyle, but ain't

Brand Promise: Nothing

Brand Reality: It delivers

Brand: White Swan

Brand Imagery: A white swan in the logo over a giant yellow dandelion

Brand Promise: Elegant like a graceful swan

Brand Reality: Evil and psychotic like Natalie Portman in "Black Swan"

Brand: RETAIN (or is it RETOIN?)

Brand Imagery: A stack of N's (??????) and the recycling symbol not looking anything like an A

Brand Promise: You will retain the flesh around your anus after using this

Brand Reality: They lied.

Brand: Livi Basic

Brand Imagery: A leaf over a leaf background that looks suspiciously like poison ivy

Brand Promise: A natural feeling tissue experience

Brand Reality: Hope you have some calamine lotion ready, asshole

Brand: Velvet Soft Bathroom Tissue

Brand Imagery: Leaf background

Brand Promise: Softness not unlike wiping with velvet

Brand Reality: Like wiping with starched corduroy

Brand: Feather Soft

Brand Imagery: Either a feather or some ghostly pine needles (or is it the Palme D'or?)

Brand Promise: A birdlike wipe in the toilet

Brand Reality: Like getting raped by your cellmate, a rabid ostrich

Brand: Roses

Brand Imagery: Roses

Brand Promise: Roses

Brand Reality: Thorns

Brand: Silkie Premium Quality Soft & Lush Bath Tissue

Brand Imagery: A skeletal bird flying over a field of daisies

Brand Promise: A haphazard throwing together of soft and natural themes

Brand Reality: Like riding down an up escalator's railing with zero moisture

The Off-Brand TP Roundup: The Trump Era

Brand: Keep It Green

Brand Imagery: Green swirls, green lettering, and a green butterfly

Brand Promise: The earth won't die if you shit with this

Feels Like: Whatever you're wiping with has already biodegraded into mulch

Brand: Ocean Drive 2 Ply

Brand Imagery: An oval badge showing a road winding around a tidal wave into a sunset

Brand Promise: The promise of a fun road trip away from wet disaster

Feels Like: Very thin, sun-baked asphalt in roll form

Brand: Silky Soft

Brand Imagery: Periwinkle mosaic tiles and a SUDOKU(????!!!!)

Brand Promise: This brand sounds like a rapper that will soothe you with his rhymes

Feels Like: Riding an untamed horse with a burlap saddle through a thorn bush

Brand: TOILET TISSUE

Brand Imagery: Black and green argyle, white space

Brand Promise: This will technically count as toilet tissue

Feels Like: The very minimal that the government can approve as 2-ply. Gitmo ready.

Brand: White Swan

Brand Imagery: An S-shaped swan. Piss yellow flower background

Brand Promise: A soft-as-down pooping experience

Feels Like: Angry miniature geese and swans biting your balls and anus.

Brand: RETOIN? RETAIN?

Brand Imagery: Confusing recycling logo in the middle of the name. An inexplicable Nintendo logo

Brand Promise: "Why are you reading the label? Shit already!"

Feels Like: The paper-to-ass equivalent of the Kids Bop Kids version of your favorite song

Amazingly, Somehow Yet Another Off-Brand TP Roundup

Brand: Marcela Pro Snow Lily

Brand Imagery: Big pink maxi pad (or a pink wooden clog?) floating on a pink sea

Brand Promise: Virtually LINT FREE

Feels Like: Wiping your ass with paper that's just as strong as clothesdryer lint

Brand: Either "b" or "q." I can't tell.

Brand Imagery: a tiny blue tsunami curling on itself

Brand Promise: None

Feels Like: running a taxidermied marlin's dorsal fin between your butt cheeks

Brand: Carefree Choice Series

Brand Imagery: A leaf

Brand Promise: Feels like a leaf

Feels Like: A leaf

Brand: Boardwalk

Brand Imagery: A plain, unfriendly red and blue rectangle

Brand Promise: You will be taken to a refreshing walk along the Jersey Shore

Feels Like: Steve Buscemi shaking you down for all your struggling shop's money

Brand: Roses

Brand Imagery: Grey and pink lettering. Plus a grey rose.

Brand Promise: "Your ass will remember me."

Feels Like: Your butthole is the latest "Bachelorette," and all the suitors are wearing sandpaper tuxes.

The Off-Brand TP Round-Up, 2016 Edition

See 2015's entry here.

Brand: Millennium Mor-Soft M600

Brand Imagery: A stylized letter M that looks like a brown lady's nether-parts

Brand Promise: It is "more soft." But more soft than what? Gravel?

Feels Like: Setting off an M80 in your arse.

Brand: Certo

Brand Imagery: Either stackable cups, a worm or an uncircumcised green penis

Brand Promise: Unknown. "We're certain your ass will be clean?"

Feels Like: Having your anus booed at by apes

Brand: Medline

Brand Imagery: What looks like a spinning top logo. Very sharp and pointy. The name "Medline" sounds like it's going to give you a bloody bunghole.

Brand Promise: PLEASE DO NOT FLUSH TAMPONS IN TOILET

Feels Like: Sitting on a weaver's spinning, dry spindle

Brand: Monogram

Brand Imagery: Boring blue stripe. Boring logo.

Brand Promise: You will not notice us. We are average.

Feels Like: A stealth fighter's exhaust burning your bum.

Brand: Chalet

Brand Imagery: Downton Abbey

Brand Promise: A more proper, civilized way to wipe your filthy asshole.

Feels Like: Two gnarled twigs playing polo between your cheeks

We Don't Really Need Another Off-Brand TP Roundup, Do We?

Just a small one, then? Fine.

Brand: Blue Ribbon

Label: A blue ribbon, duh.

Feels Like: Sprinkling sand on a lathe and then straddling it.

Brand: Unknown white label brand

Label: Picture of a polar bear skeeting cocaine onto a giant tooth

Feels Like: Rutting a pine cone whilst riding a bumpy luge.

Brand: Greenlane

Label: Green disco lettering

Feels Like: Hiding the Necronomicon between your ass cheeks.

EADJ Proudly Presents "KAW!"

"KAW!" (We know it doesn't have an exclamation point, but we like putting one in there) took everything you liked about Hitchcock's "The Birds" and everything you liked about "Boondock Saints," then chucked that and put together what was left into a middling sub-average horror movie.

Killer crows. That's about as fun, simple and telegraphic a concept as you're ever going to get in Hollywood. But I believe the reason why this movie fails is that it overreaches its genre boundaries, trying to make a huge important statement of the dangers of tampering with nature, attributing the crows' murderous behavior to Mad Cow Disease (yes, I'm serious) and generally just bumming the viewer out. And where are the scarecrow jokes? Fucking lighten up, anonymous director!

Anyways, here's the crow's crap of a movie for your enjoyment: 

Overall grade: F


Stay tuned for the Tom Weingard-ized version of this review!