No Title

Saw this courtroom sketch in the news. Had to do something with it.

Unintentional Star Trek: New Recruit Announced!

 The one previous entry is here.

Space: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Unintentional. Its five-year mission: to explore strange new fashions. To seek out new life and new garment/accessory pairings. To boldly go where no designer has gone before!

This is your captain speaking. We are proud to announce a new hire on our growing crew. I'd like all of you to meet Ensign New Age Podcaster. She's from the planet NPR and judging by her uniform, she's in operations. Although if this were the original series, she'd be Captain. Hmm. Either way, welcome Ensign!

The Difference Between a Hot Dog and a Hot Sausage

Spotted on a NYC hot dog cart, pre-pandemic:

A hot dog will pick you up at the airport.

A hot sausage will send an Uber driven by former supermodel Kathy Ireland.

A hot dog will lend you his phone so you can make a call.

A hot sausage already has the number of whoever you want to call in their phone. They're popular, see.

A hot dog will come over for some poker and some whiskey.

A hot sausage will rent out a Hooters and teach each of the servers Texas Hold 'Em so you can all play.

A hot dog will listen to your medical woes and provide sympathy.

A hot sausage will give you the number of his chiropractor, who happens to be former supermodel Kathy Ireland.

A hot dog will be named Robert.

A hot sausage will be named Rob, Roberto, or Bert, but never Robbie.

Newspaper Machine Was Disgusted

Newspaper Machine was disgusted.

Recycling Station adjusted his monocle and kept quiet.

Sideways Terminator leaned against a wall and waited.

Tree Branches fumed at how short the segment was this time.

But What If It Isn't A Harmonica?

The brochure for a performance by American Idol's Taylor Hicks in South Orange obviously shows him jamming out on a harmonica. 

But what if that weren't true? What else would that be a photo of? EADJ explores the possibilities:

Scenario 1: Taylor Hicks in the middle of a power ballad gets a massive toothache and cannot finish the part about hardening his heart and swallowing his tears.

Scenario 2: Midsong, Taylor Hicks gets a part of the microphone in his mouth and discovers that it's absolutely DELICIOUS!!!!! He proceeds to devour the microphone and just marvels at how scrumptious every bite is.

Scenario 3: Goofing around in the studio, Taylor Hicks learns that blowing his nose sounds 100% exactly like Kenny G's Selmer Mark VI Soprano saxophone. At his next live performance, he belts out "Songbird" to the lukewarm delight of the crowd.

Scenario 4: People have told Taylor Hicks that he looks exactly like George Clooney, but only if HE COVERS HIS MOUTH. Taylor notices some hot honeys in the front row of his next concert and tries his best to impress him with his George Clooney looks, minus the mouth.

Scenario 5: Taylor Hicks only THINKS he has a harmonica, but it's actually one of those Take 5 candy bars. You see, Taylor has suffered some sort of mild brain aneurysm and is now convinced that Take 5 bars are harmonicas. Play us some more blues, brain damaged Taylor Hicks!

Home Depot Waste Bag Was Feeling Frisky

Home Depot Waste Bag was feeling frisky.

IKEA Frame Hanger thought that was hilarious.

Rav 4 Wheel Well was pleasantly surprised.

The Sorting Hat in the Home Depot Parking Lot didn't like it one bit.

The Two Red Goofballs at Panda Express kept their mouths shut.

Mouthwash Dispenser couldn't see what the big deal was.

More Goddamn Mall Kiosks And What Their Goddamn Attendants Are Probably Goddamned Thinking

The following is what Carrie at the Dipping Dots kiosk in Albemarle, Mass was thinking about:

• Are these two customers lovers or brother and sister?

• What kind of damaged adults order Dipping Dots or themselves?!

• Why, God, why aren't I famous yet?????

The following is what Dani at the Perfume YES! kiosk in Chilton, West Virginia was thinking about:

• My God, this cigarette tastes great

• Just puffing this in the parking lot relaxes me more than anything else. Ahhh.

• Wait. Who's minding the kiosk? Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit...

The following is what Toni at the Shopping Inc. kiosk in Bethesda, Maryland was thinking about:

• Who buys all this useless crap?

• Is "True Detective" on tonight?

• Can anyone tell I sharted my pants? Hope not.

The following is what Brian at the Rosetta Stone Language Center kiosk in Los Palmas, California was thinking about:

• What should I get for lunch today- Sbarro or Panda Express?

• I wish people would stop avoiding giving me eye contact so I can sell some damned product.

• Is Iggy Azalea black or not?

The following is what Donna at the vacant kiosk in Portland, Oregon was thinking about:

• Are these split ends?

• Where the hell is Cathy and Angela? They're like 15 minutes late already.

• OMG IS SOMEONE UP THERE LOOKING DOWN MY BLOUSE

The following is what Rosa at the Balloon Fun kiosk in Cheyenne, Wyoming was thinking about:

• What was my life plan again?

• I wonder what I would say if I ever got the chance to meet Sir Ian McKellen.

• I can't tell if I've lost weight in my chest or if my bra has lost its elasticity.

The following is what Taylor at the Damn Right Sterling Silver kiosk in Ithaca, New York was thinking about:

• This idiot doesn't think this is all real silver, right?

• Has anyone noticed that my socks don't match?

• Why are Oreos great, but Double Stuf Oreos are nasty as shit?

The following is what Tobias at the Bauble Bobble kiosk in Canker, Florida was thinking about:

• How did I get this corn kernel in my nose?

• When will Republicans realize that the Affordable Care Act is here to stay?

• Does any other word rhyme with "kangaroo?"

Look At These Fucking Cakes

I at store. I see cakes. I make fun.

Inflatable Carousel?!

J'Net can't believe the crap that they sell at Lowe's these days. Like Home Depot would stoop to this level.