Just Confirming...

"Lifestyle" is a dildo, right? It's definitely a dildo.

 

The Difference Between a Hot Dog and a Hot Sausage

Spotted on a NYC hot dog cart, pre-pandemic:

A hot dog will pick you up at the airport.

A hot sausage will send an Uber driven by former supermodel Kathy Ireland.

A hot dog will lend you his phone so you can make a call.

A hot sausage already has the number of whoever you want to call in their phone. They're popular, see.

A hot dog will come over for some poker and some whiskey.

A hot sausage will rent out a Hooters and teach each of the servers Texas Hold 'Em so you can all play.

A hot dog will listen to your medical woes and provide sympathy.

A hot sausage will give you the number of his chiropractor, who happens to be former supermodel Kathy Ireland.

A hot dog will be named Robert.

A hot sausage will be named Rob, Roberto, or Bert, but never Robbie.

“The Reason Birds Can Fly and We Can't Is Simply Because They Have Perfect Faith, For To Have Faith Is To Have Pathmark."

Multiple bread loaf edition!

Bread!

Bread!

Bread!

Something We Noticed

The difference between a fake smile and a real smile is subtle but noticeable: a person's eyes will often "close up" as the cheeks move upwards.

One thing we notice on the artwork of 100% of the "as seen on TV" merchandise in stores is that the models CLEARLY ARE NOT REALLY HAPPY:

Their mouths are smiling, but their eyes are begging for you to rescue them. 

It's fucking depressing, really.

Mas "Los Avalanchos Sharkos" Taglinos

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EADJ Surprising Hostility: Santander Bank

A new corporate bank has taken root in different parts of New York City, and it's a great time for EADJ to hate them off the bat. Santander Bank. Fuck them. Why?

Because nothing instills confidence like a cheap vinyl banner stuck over the previous bank's name. Really tells people you're in it for the long haul. Better deposit my life savings with the bank that's living out of a suitcase in case the Feds come.

The logo either looks like a plate on fire or a baby chick doing the "Thriller" dance (turn it on its side). Plus it's red and white with the word "Santa" on it. Nice borrowed interest, assholes (yes, that is a bank pun). 

So go fuck your tellers' mothers, Santander Bank. Maybe one day you too will go under and will end up as umbrella signage on a fruit cart out front. FUCK YOU

"Are You Sitting Down For This?"

This morning, our jitney driver got on the PA and made an announcement about an item he found in a bag that was left on the jitney.

Here now is him trying to delicately announce that someone misplaced their dildo:

Click to play video

I like how he assumes it was a woman who left it. Like a guy can't stick one in his ass. Naive!

***UPDATE***

So, the wife flatly stated that it probably was NOT a vibrator. The jitney driver described it as "something that a woman wouldn't want a man to see unless they were in a relationship," and also said "This is a bus. Not a bathroom."

So the options for that lost item are now:

a) a dildo

b) a used tampon

c) a used sanitary napkin

d) two tickets to the studio audience of Dr. Oz

What do you think it was, readers? Tell us!

BOOM.

The more I stood in line, the more I realized I should be eating a salad instead of a cheese dog.




¶

Hot Sausage Is Having A Bad Day.

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My New Favorite Photo

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Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Tongue

Thursday is typically a difficult day of the week for Joel. It usually involves waking up in the drunk tank at the police station, getting the dick(s) out of your mouth and finding a way to get to work– just in time– at the quarry.

(The quarry, you say? Yes, it's true. Joel has landed a full-time, steady job at the Lamisil quarry in Modesto. There he works with 4 different quarry teams, or "rock squads," who mine precious Lamisil from the quarry every day.)

Today, however, Joel didn't make it to the quarry on time and was reprimanded. The foreman didn't even let Joel touch his dick. He just bitched him out in his trailer and sent him home early. Joel was understandably crestfallen and hungry.

It's times like this that Joel is glad to have bought that chest freezer in the garage. Emergency dick storage is something he learned in home ec.

(pictured above, Lauren F gets a black tongue from either drinking too much Pepto Bismol or blowing a squid.)

UPDATE: Mystery solved!