UAG

Good Lord.

 Spotted on Facebook (because old people are on Facebook):

The Joel Ostend Audio Devotional, which looks suspiciously like a repurposed Sharper Image white noise device. Or a humidifier that makes waffles. Or an alarm clock that sweeps the carpet.

What in the St. Francis of Assisi is going on here? Is the device THAT big? Is this actually a brilliant Martin Short bit? Because it sure looks like it.

UAG

The Triumphant Return of Ugly Andrew Gall

UAG

Forty Ways To Leave Your Lover Pray Lent

1) Just turn on the guilt, Wilt

2) Learn how to pray, Ray

3) Get down on your knees, Reese

4) Stop eating meat on Fridays, Pete on Fridays

5) Open your heart to God, Todd

6) Learn how to connect with God in solitude, Evinrude

7) Have some faith, Faith

8) Open yourself up to Grace, Willie Mays

9) Learn humility, Dee

10) Pray for mercy, Percy

11) Ask for forgiveness, Ingres

12) Contemplate, Kate

13) Remember the spirit of Lent, Kent

14) Learn to trust the Lordy, Gordy

15) Testify on your behalf, Jeff

16) Evangelize, Plies

17) Get filled with the spirit, Garrett

18) Learn to believe, Steve

19) Give all your soul, Noel

20) Walk in God's path, McGrath

21) Learn about service, Pervis

22) Commit yourself to devotion, Billy Ocean

23) Follow Jesus, Beezus

24) Feel God's presence, Nemitz

25) Throw yourself upon the altar, Walter

26) Read a lot of Scripture, Mitch-er

27) Rest on the Sabbath-a, Tabitha

28) Ask for Him to cleanse you, Lorenzu

29) Anticipate the Rapture, Baxter

30) Recite the Apostle's Creed, Reid

31) Walk in His shadow, Rachel Maddow

32) Fast when you can, Dan

33) Don't judge your peers, Piers

34) Testify, Guy

35) Sing some Psalms, Holmes

36) Pray for wisdom, Idiot

37) Confess your trespasses, Onassis

38) Strive to live humbly, Humphrey

39) Swallow your pride, Clyde

40) Reassess your life decisions and reconcile, Kyle

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

Zo wanted to make a good impression on his first day as a welder by showing up at 5am on Sunday although the shop opens at 9am. On Tuesday.

Serengeti got in serious trouble with his 14 year old sister when he was caught stealing her art school sketchbook for an album cover (She's a huge Steven Seagal fan, apparently).

You have no idea how badly Joe would like one of those crew neck cardigans from J.Crew right now.

Are these guys on a fishing trawler? Or are they supposed to be arctic explorers? Even Drake is confused.

"Okay, Rocko, K-Major, and Ralph... sorry, Yung Ralph, this is your first major release from Grown Men Entertainment, and I want you guys to think long and hard about the title of this album, because first impressions are important and all..."

ANNOUNCEMENT: DJ KAY D and DJ PEXCLUSIVEZ HAVE OFFICIALLY TAKEN OVER BARBIE'S PURPLE HIGH SCHOOL PLAYSET. SOME ASSEMBLY REQUIRED

Ah, nuts. Action Bronson invites a couple of nice girls he met in the lobby up to his room for some drinks and "Burt Wonderstone" on Pay Per View, and they wreak havoc in the bathroom. Man, the Doubletree is going to hate Action Bronson after this.

If "Drizzy" is back for the fifth time, why doesn't Drizzy just move in and stop transporting his toothbrush and contacts case in his little man purse back and forth like a goddamned gigolo? And who turned down the dimmer in this place?

Dummmmmb.

As borrowed interest goes, Jadakiss does pretty well by modeling himself after the intriguing millionaire Jay Gatsby. The three problems being 1) Jay Gatsby is a tragic loner of a figure; 2) "Rapsby" is a horrible pun to float out there; 3) I'm pretty sure Jadakiss hasn't lost that much weight in his midsection last time I checked.

Why is J. Cole's photo in so many confusing mixtape covers? He's like "Whoa whoa whoa there. Shit is exploding around us, so are we standing on the top of a skyscraper or on the deck of a floating platform? And what does this have to do with the 'World War Z' novel? It has almost no connection other than the title- just like the movie. Did you see that movie?"

Money Boy. Where to begin here. Maybe I believe that this German rapper's midsection is that thin, but I don't think that's a real patterned suit. Plus, nice job photoshopping nude models into a photo of the back of a local Victoria's Secret.

Here now is a sample of Money Boy's flow, just in case you were wondering:

"What? Your guess is as good as mine. Songversation? Meh." *shrug*

This LEGO minifig shows just enough detail of Lil' Wayne's tattoos and dreadlocks while staying disturbingly toylike with its lobster-like claw hands and face. And I can't believe I missed the first three Lil Tunechis.

This is the album cover to Starlito's CD, entitled "Cold Turkey." GET IT?!

Please, no more phone calls or solicitors at this address. The Ying Yang Twins are clearly in session with plenty of ass here. Can't you read the sign? No, don't even leave Chinese Menus on the doorknob. They will not have time to order in with all the ass in this particular session. Sorry.

A Disturbing Hobby Store Find

Plastic model kit company Moebius offers not only expensive and highly detailed licensed monster kits but also your more basic, generic cheapo sets. 

These "Monster Scenes" are old school throwback scenes complete with mad scientists and torture devices. Harmless fun, right? Right.

They also, however, offer The Victim, a generic damsel in Daisy Dukes who can either be shown running away from a lurching monster or be tortured by the The Pendulum or The Hanging Cage or The Pain Parlor. I guess this is for children who can't steal their sister's Barbies.

If you're a budding serial killer, no assembly necessary. Just steal some ketchup packets from Hardee's and you're golden.

 Only "1 frightened expression?" I guess the bored or annoyed expressions weren't selling as well.



Here are some alternate, less violent scenarios for the Victim:

• accusing the valet of dinging her 1998 RAV4

• telling the manager that she's getting bad service after not getting the check for 6 minutes
• complaining to the admissions officer that she got waitlisted because she's Hispanic
• saying the power company is singling her out although it's clear her entire block is without service
• not shredding her credit card junk mail and being surprised that someone stole her identity
• saying the press won't stop harping about how bad a mother she's been to Lindsay Lohan
• bitching about how "The Dark Knight Rises" isn't entirely in the IMAX format
• loudly sighing about having a middle seat on the plane even though she booked the ticket late
• insisting that any assault weapon control legislation is automatically infringing on HER rights
• feeling betrayed by George Lucas
• blaming her fat thighs on her incompetent Zumba instructor
• saying her boyfriend cheating on her isn't the same as her cheating on her boyfriend because she had more "emotional" reasons
• attributing her racism to her racist grandfather who never lived with her
• bitching about H&M's return policy requiring a receipt

In Case You Ever Wondered If The Beaded Path Does Restringing

Yes.

Coming Soon to the EADJ Crappinema: Happy, the Littlest Bunny

"This cuddly rabbit's tale is a warm-hearted, entertaining lesson for the whole family to enjoy!"

I must hate myself for some reason.

"Our?!"

(pictured above, the wrong possessive determiner at the Delmonico salad bar doesn't seem to gross anybody out)