Spotted On A Neighbor's Roof

It looks like they're Run The Jewels fans.

Campus Life, Continued

Last Friday, we dunked on Pocket Gems's mobile game Campus Life because it depicted women on campus doing nothing but partying and shopping and dating without a single book or even paper in sight. But turns out we were making fun of screenshots from the 2013 version of the game, which might be a little unfair. So here now we compare the splash page from days of 2013 yore to that of today's, taken from the Android app page on Amazon:

HOLY SHIT. The difference is breathtaking, really. That pink balloon over by the bookshelves(LOL!) on the right has drifted in 7 years over to above the computer. It's hard to tell if it's even the same app anymore!

Comic Strip Where The Last Panel Is Always A Remote Oil Rig

Love is in the air.

Happy New Year From Eat A Dick Joel!

2018 has been a long, miserable slog of a year. Here's to 2019 being less long!

Love, EADJ

A Few More Terrible Porn Names

If you're young and dumb and need some cash, porn is a good industry to get into. So before you have any second thoughts, just jump in the game and grab one of these terrible porn names that are free for the taking:

Him

Ray Cyst

Wyatt Supremacist

Paul’s Buns, Hon

Walter Top 

Shafter Noon-Delight

Wang Lo Canoodles

Her

Hollow Vera

Amica Bull

Eska Laid

Jenn O’Cide

Cher Fluids

Areola Borealis

Today We Wonder What Regrettable Tattoos The Riders In The NJ Transit Survey Photo Probably Have On Their Bodies

"Jesse" wanted something cool and futuristic, plus something to commemorate his days working as an audio editor at his local news station, so he got this semi-tribal reel-to-reel spool on his left leg, above the knee.

"Jess's" wild lifestyle back in 1999, plus her interest in "Star Wars: The Phantom Menace's" Darth Maul led her to get this aggressive design tattooed inside her lower lip.

"Angie" was dating a dentist at the time. He was a bodybuilder. She doesn't like talking about it.

Two guesses where "Trina" had these tattooed.

"Don With The Thumbs" got this interesting design on his back, only to find out later that this is a Russian criminal tattoo which was widespread in corrective labor institutions of the Urals.

"Simon Peter" doesn't regret getting this tattoo of a red-eyed bull doing curls on his chest, mainly because he is an idiot.

The Lonnie Quinn Shirt Sleeve Index, Revisited

During Hurricane Superstorm Sandy, we introduced you to the phenomenon of "The Lonnie Quinn Shirt Sleeve Index," an unorthodox but reliable measure of the seriousness of a weather forecast based on the condition of CBS New York Channel 2's meterologist Lonnie Quinn's shirt sleeves.

Since that November storm, there have been the occasional thunderstorm and bouts of heavy precipitation. But Lonnie had not adjusted his sleeves until February 8, when several feet of snow were predicted to fall. Here now is a breakdown of that night's coverage:

Answers To Yesterday's Which Can, Erickson? Supreme Court Edition

Click to enlarge

How did you do? Did you win?

Spotted In Irvington, NJ

A totally legit-looking proposition.

@#$%#@

Pictured above, what happens when you try cooking when "Jersey Shore" is on.

Some People Just Don't Read.

Since moving to Jersey, we've had a ton of boxes in the basement. So my wife posted a Craigslist ad on Tuesday that there would be free boxes on the curb that weekend:


Within hours, she received lots of responses, but much to her chagrin, most of the respondents hadn't somehow read the ad. I mean, it's pretty straightforward– location and time, what's to misunderstand? A lot. Who knew Craigslist was a cesspool of illiterates unclear on basic details?

Respondent 1:

Date: Thursday, September 17, 2009, 7:45 AM

Hello,

Are
the boxes still
available.

Please call me for
pickup.

Thx

Zach

Grade: F. Zach failed to grasp the very basic information about the boxes being available ON THE WEEKEND. Plus his lack of question marks makes him seem suspicious.



Respondent 2:

Date: Wednesday, September 16, 2009, 3:39 PM

Are the
boxes and packing
material still available? I have a friend that lives in
(town) that would be
able to pick them up for me. Thanks.

Jean

Grade: F. Jean also gets a failing grade, but only because she was copying off of Zach. Eyes on your papers, people.




Respondent 3:

Date: Wednesday, September 16, 2009, 12:19 AM

Where is (town)?
I would like to take them off your hands but if you are too
far it would not be a green move for me. Trying to stay in a
radius close to home for conservation reasons. so let me
know where you are please. and thanks for posting the boxes.

Ruth


Grade: F-. Jean gets several points for trying to save the earth but more points off for being at a goddamn computer and not thinking to Google "(town)." People that stupid shouldn't drive anyway. RUTH.



Respondent 4:

Tuesday, September 15, 2009, 11:19 AM

Hello there,

I can pick them all anytime today..
What's ur location?
I will be driving from jersey city( journal square)

Let mr know asap
My contact-201XXXXXXX
Thanks
S.M.

Grade: F--. S.M. combines the flaws of Zach, Jean and Ruth into a perfect storm of dumb. Read the godforsaken ad, son. Shit!




Respondent 5:

Tuesday, September 15, 2009, 2:12 PM

hi there...i am in need of bubble wrap to make some
halloween costumes. my son, who is 9, has this
character he invented called "captain joy" where he uses
bubble guns (aka: joy pumps) as his vehicle to spread joy
throughout the boroughs (mainly brooklyn and
manhattan)!! it's super cute!! so this year for
halloween, we are making a full "captain joy" get-up!!
it will be a light-up bubble wrap tuxedo of sorts. i
am going to make a complimentary bubble wrap dress to be his
co-captain:) so we need a good amount that is in large
pieces to make the cuts. if you have some that you
think would be workable and wouldn't mind me coming by to
pick it up earlier, that would be greatly
appreciated!! thanks....stephanie and captain joy :)

Grade: N/A. We're really not sure what to make of this. Should we contact Child Protective Services? That kid's going to grow up to either be a Tony award winner or a serial killer. Maybe both. Nice going, Stephanie. And use your shift key once in a while. :(

So the big day (or weekend) rolls by...

New Segment: EADJ Song Hate

Every once in a while, EADJ will "retire" a song in radio circulation (or just in existence) that we've had quite enough of, thank you. Today we hate the song "I Need a Lover" by John Cougar Mellencamp.


Hey, "I Need a Lover" by John Cougar Mellencamp, you're a shit song, okay? You're positively terrible.

For one, you have this overlong, masturbatory overture with both organ and electric guitar intros that sound like background music for a Stetson cologne commercial from the 80's. Pretty much a musical mullet. And that motherfucker runs for a whopping 2 minutes and 9 seconds before it stops, THEN starts again! Only at the 2:30 mark do we ever start hearing lyrics. And that's when you really start sucking:

I need a lover that won't drive me crazy
(I need a lover that won't drive me crazy)
I need a lover that won't drive me crazy
Some girl that knows the meaning of, ah-
Hey hit the highway!

Bitch, please. That's the payoff after repeating the first line three times? You totally made that "oh- hey uh, what, uh, hit the highway!" bit on the spot! That is TERRIBLE, dude. And it doesn't get much better when it's not the annoying chorus:

Well, I've been walking the streets in the evenin'
Racin' through the human jungle at night
I'm so confused, my mind is indifferent
Hey - I'm so weak, won't somebody shut off that light?

Electricity runs thru the video
And I watch it from this hole I call home
And all them stonies are dancin' to the radio
And I got the world callin' me up free tonight on the phone

No words. That is some pretty bad writing- "racin' through the human jungle" and rhyming "night" with "light" and "home" with "phone." And I guess since John Cougar Mellencamp wears jeans all the time, all his verbs can't have a "g" at the end, so he's "walkin'" or "sittin'" or "totally suckin' a donkey dick with his god-awful lyric writin'."

The truth is, he sings "I need a lover that won't drive me crazy" only about a dozen times, but the song is so poorly conceived with such an annoying chorus that it seems like he repeats it in the hundreds.

So today we retire you from classic rock stations, Camaro tape decks blaring in high school parking lots and whiskey roadhouse jukeboxes, "I Need a Lover" by John Cougar Mellencamp. Have fun on the golf course! Don't let the door hit you on the ass as you uh-hmm-hey, who-uhh hey, hit the highway.


To purchase "I Need a Lover" by John Cougar Mellencamp from iTunes– though I have no idea why you would ever want to do that– click here.

***Update: I just noticed on iTunes that John Mellencamp dropped the "Cougar." Oh, fuck off.

Mission Sorta Accomplished: Project Fountain 5.2