UAG

The Best Compliments You Can Expect From Your Family When You Serve Them a Really Badly Done Version of a Pan-Roasted Pear Salad Recipe

"You can really taste the pan."

"Oh, what a lovely inedible centerpiece!"

"Wow, did you core the pears AND crumble the blue cheese yourself?"

"I finished it and I'm not nauseous."

"Hey, a nickel!"

"I thought eating salad was supposed to be good for you."

"You burned the pears. I'm kidding. You ruined all of it!"

"Hello, Domino's?"

Today We Asked The Riders of the NJ Transit Customer Satisfaction Survey Where YOUR Lost Chapstick is

You lost your Chapstick. We asked them where they think it is.

Jesse: "Maybe in your car's cup holder? No wait, you take the train. Duh!

Jess: Have you checked your purse? Like all the side pockets, too?

Angie: I bet it's washing in the laundry as we speak.

Trina: You and I hooked up last night. I think it's inside me.

Don With The Thumbs: Oh, that was YOUR Chapstick, dude? Gross!

Simon Peter: Never mind that. Have you heard about NFTs and how its investment potential is blowing up? 

An Imagined Conversation

The One On The Left: What are we doing today.

The One On The Right: Nothing. Neither of us have jobs.

The One On The Left: Nope. So what are we going to do, then.

The One On The Right: I know– let's get dressed up and get photographed.

The One On The Left: Why.

 The One On The Right: I dunno. For the hell of it. What else are we going to do. Read? Work?

The One On The Left: LOL. Okay, we could put our hair up in stupid buns and go to a premier where lots of cameras are and have our picture taken.

The One On The Right: And then our pictures will spread on social media, and more stupid people will follow us.

The One On The Left: And then we can somehow parlay all the new attention into some sort of endorsement deal so we can have more money to buy more stupid clothes to get photographed in.

The One On The Right: It's kind of a vicious cycle.

The One On The Left: Why were we even born.

An Imagined Conversation

The following is yet another continuation of another imagined conversation.

"Okay, Mike. I think I can stay awake another few minutes until we find each other."

"Good. Now look around and tell me what you see."

"I'm in front of the Life Planning Center. Ovulation kits, pregancy tests, stuff like that."

"Do you see a Delsym Cough Relief Center nearby?"

"No."

"Don't move, Sandy, and look closely. It's a big orange kiosk. I'm standing by it, waving."

"Wait, I think I see you, Mike."

"Really?!"

"Oh, no. That's not you. I'm by the Gift Card Center now."

"Goddammit, Sandy, you gotta stop moving. Let me come to you."

"Okay, I'll stop walking. I'm now at the Power Center."

"POWER CENTER??!! WHERE THE FUCK IS THAT, SANDY???!!!??!!"