Newman's Own Salad Dressing Labels Have Changed and are No Longer Fun

THEN: 

Cheeky, customized illustrations of beloved actor Paul Newman dressed in various national garb to match the salad dressing flavor. So fun!

NOW:

Safe, uninspired bottle labels that shrank Newman's likeness and confined him to a small area, surrounded by floating ingredients, like some kind of salad Phantom Zone. Weak.

Kristine Johnson, Found!

We hadn't heard from our favorite news anchor Kristine Johnson in years, so it was quite the surprise that we finally have an update on her. According to EADJ correspondents at Party City, KJ is now a sexy nun at the Church of the Rising Naughty Boner.

Check back here in another 5 years for the latest Kristine Johnson updates!

UAG

The ProofrEADJer: All Comics Edition

Today We Asked A Man With His Head Squeezed Between A Woman's Thighs To Explain The Real Estate Trends In Vigo County, Indiana

"The Vigo County area, as well as the Clay and Sullivan County areas, are starting to... Ahh... UGGGH!... become a buyer's market as... GAH... can't breathe... FUCK... new business developments and ... ah... ahh... uh... and... um, lower interest rates... Ah.... ah... have... GUH... in L... LE...LE..." *dies*

EADJ Fashion Round-Up: Deep Autumn Edition

Brown car, brown shirt, brown shorts, brown shoes. Despite his best efforts, he really stands out.

Spotted in Penn Station, which apparently has trains running to Yavin 4.

Spotted on 6th Avenue. A little match-matchy, but definitely stylish.

Legend of Zelda: Link To the Fat

A fur varsity jacket? I thought those only existed on Beverly Hills 90210.

What would fit in those pockets?

These are the type of middle aged folks you see all the time in Soho. Pretty fabulous.

Both ladies had a different way to incorporate the "Big Bird" look.

"I dunno, just try pulling the helmet really hard on your head."

A thousand bucks says these two have a podcast. A thousand.

Muumuu Lady and Karate girl leave after slaying a couple of Whoppers. Paging Wes Anderson!

The ProofrEADJer: October Edition

"Megazines."

And for the first time ever, a ProofrEADJer movie clip!

Other Crap That Came Out Of Stacey Dash's Mouth

Actress Stacey Dash has lately made herself a reliable source of controversy due to comments she makes as a pundit on the Fox News channel. Her seemingly contrary positions on Black History Month, BET,  transgender bathroom rights ("Go in the bushes."), and Paula Deen have people wondering what other positions she has taken. EADJ has done some fake research, and here are a few:


• She's convinced the Toyota girl, the AT&T girl, and Flo from Progressive are all secret lesbians.

• She won't look into a bathroom mirror in the dark and say "Barack Obama" three times, because that means he'll appear and provide affordable healthcare to all Americans.

• She thinks Kim Jong Il has cute dimples

• Donald Trump is a patient, thoughtful, humble politician who's reluctantly running for President because he feels the shrinking middle class has lost a voice in Washington.

• Helium makes balloons sink.

• She believes 9/11 was perpetrated by Gremlins, who by the way are atheists.

• Because of the lyrics to the song "Every Breath You Take," she has put a 1000-yard restraining order on Sting.

• Stacey Dash sides with the Joker and Penguin on almost every episode of "Batman."

• You like the vertical striped curtains? Stacey Dash liked the horizontal stripes better.

• She says Listerine is run by Jews who are trying to rid your gums of "good, Christian germs."

• She thought Season 2 of "True Detective" was awesome.

• Solar energy is a direct hippie Muslim attack on honest, hardworking oil companies who love the Lord.

• Alicia Silverstone is a good actress.

A Minor News Hiccup

The other night on CBS 2 News, Kristine Johnson was reading some fluff piece while the video was playing onscreen and started having a coughing fit. The camera cut back to the news desk, and our girl Kristine was downing some filtered vodka water.

She quickly recovered, apologized and finished the segment. With absolutely no help from Maurice Dubois (it means "of wood"), thank you very much.

And since we're on the subject, here are some photos of women that kind of look like Kristine Johnson:

Here Are The Terrible Things That Will Befall You If You Fail To Collect All Four Slurpee Mustache Straws At 7-Eleven

Convenience store chain 7-Eleven is hopping to attract hipsters with its new Slurpee mustache straws ($0.99 each) and plastic mason jar mugs ($2.99 each). Many of their stores' front windows display posters say "COLLECT ALL FOUR!" But what they don't tell you is what would happen to you if you didn't collect all four mustache straws. Beware!

• Your balls will fuse into one big ball, then fall off.

• Everything you recorded on DVR somehow becomes recordings of "Whitney."

• You will develop unpoppable acne on your eyeballs.

• Pizza Hut pizza will somehow start tasting good to you.

• Your own mother won't recognize you, thinking you're that bearded fat guy from "Home Improvement."

• You'll wake up with a full back tattoo that reads "YOLO - NO RAGRETS"

• Every job interview you go on will end with you calling the HR person "Tango Tits."

• You will lose every game of Monopoly that you'll ever play (okay, no difference there)

• Every time you cum, you'll also vomit two gallons of bile.

• The only people you fall in love with will all somehow be ISIS operatives.

• All of your credit cards will be declined except for your Discover card, which you can't get rid of.

• Coconut will taste like meringue to you. Meringue will taste like shaving cream.

• You will wake up as a loyal 10 year Comcast customer.

The Proofreadjer, Indian Summer Edition

And this one stolen from my friend Barry's Facebook:

Get It Right! "Star Trek: Voyager" Actress Kate Mulgrew (Circa 1990s) Vs. NY1 Anchor Roma Torre

Get it right! Although they look remarkably alike, actress Kate Mulgrew (circa 1990s) and NY1 Mid-Day Anchor Roma Torre are two entirely different people!

Kate Mulgrew's character Kathryn Janeway was a decorated 24th Century Starfleet officer, most noted for her service as captain of the starship USS Voyager.

Roma Torre has won more than 25 broadcasting awards, including an Emmy for reporting and anchoring the Avianca plane crash disaster in 1991.

Captain Janeway was known for her directness, compassion and brilliant strategic mind.

Roma Torre was the recipient of the Newswomen’s Club of New York's 2003 Peggy Award for Broadcasting, for her review of the Broadway show "Big River."

Janeway has been known to tangle with the Ferengi alien race many an episode.

Torre has been known to steal ratings from FiOS 1, the Verizon cable equivalent of NY1.

Get it right! Captain Janeway loved knitting as a hobby. She even made a monogrammed blanket for then newborn Naomi Wildman.

Roma Torre lives for the theatre, even when she's not reviewing a show for work.

Kate Mulgrew's fan-run Twitter account.

Roma Torre's Twitter account.