The Latest Funded Kickstarter Projects

Crowdsourcing site Kickstarter has announced their latest successfully funded projects. Here are the products and projects that got the green light:

• noiseless flip flops that ultimately are no fun now

• miniature baby leopards that are like regular baby leopards in every way except that they're incredibly racist against the Dutch

• a squeezable dictionary that really doesn't want you to squeeze it

• whimsical fake mustaches that hide your very real canker sores

• STAB-SAVR: a handy budgeting app that saves you cents on the dollar every time you stab someone

EADJ Presents: Where Are They Now?

Smiley Gripper parlayed his short NFL career into becoming one of the most recognizable hosts on TV. The 300 lb. former running back has been the brilliant cohost of "The Voice" for three seasons and counting.

Author Sumo Mandarins is back after a 10 year hiatus from writing. This time, Mandarins tackles the trendy "Romantasy" genre and turns it on its head, spoofing both the romance and fantasy genres with a surprising tale about a man with a dachshund head falling in love with a purple horned woman who works at the space DMV. Classic Mandarins!

Michelin star acclaimed sous-chef Ropa Elegante dropped from public view after the chicken tartare incident in 2015. She currently breeds miniature buffalo in North Dakota under the alias "Flap Gracious."

Fiisto Coucha was one of the foremost mixed martial artists in the early 2010s but quickly disappeared in shame after a dummy leg was discovered in his locker room at Rumblecage 2012. Coucha now sells powdered breakfast shakes on his website couchashake.net.

Kickstarter's Newest Crowdfunded Projects

Kickstarter has announced another round of projects on their website that have successfully met crowdfunded goals. Here are the latest greenlit offerings:

• A tape measure that second guesses itself

• A gas-powered label maker for people who want to label things but don't want it to be too convenient

• Gummi Pringles

• A Kerry Washington memorabilia container to hold all the Kerry Washington memorabilia you've collected over the last few Kerry Washington years

• Hypoallergenic makeup for your 7 year old beauty pageant contestant who is just not applying herself and is GOING TO FUCKING LOSE AGAIN THIS YEAR

• A cheaper, easier crowdfunding website that puts Kickstarter to shame! (Update: CANCELLED)

More Failed Crowdfund Projects

The following projects on Kickstarter recently failed to collect enough crowdfund money:

• an email bot that answers all your spam emails asking to learn more

• environmentally UNfriendly toilet paper made from styrofoam and pre-consumer materials

• a remote control that can summon "In Between" actor Kyle Allen

• a bird feeder that whispers your bank's ABA number to them

• plant-based leather assless chaps for your mother

• collaborative software that also bakes ziti

• a coin purse shaped like a turd. Wait, someone made that already?

• off-brand Sprite that isn't named Sprite for obvious reasons

• a fleshlight that gets clingy after you're done

Yummy.

I think this is a recipe directed at guys who want to brag that they tossed Jennifer Aniston's salad.