Some More Available Terrible Porn Names

Congrats on joining the porn industry. We can tell you are a real go-getter and are ready to jump in with gusto (and cum). But first, you'll need a porn name for us to refer to you by. Here's a handy list of available porn names that were never claimed because they're so stupid. Have at it, sport. Pick one:

Him

Obama Kerr

Teddy Fuxpin

Hu Justjoined

Tom Agotchi

Yuri N. Alasys

Higgs Boson

Her

Summa Enchanted-Evening

Roe V. Wade

Priscillascope

Sissy Fuss

Olivia Garden Bottomless Salad

What The Susan G. Komen Foundation Has Really Been Spending All That Money On

The Susan G. Komen Foundation For The Cure has come under fire for donating only 21% of their funds to actual breast cancer research. So where does the other 79% go? EADJ made up some statistics looked into it:

• 13%: Pink lightbulbs for the bathrooms

• 8%: Inflatable sumo suits for mid-day deathmatches

• 7%: TONER TONER TONER

• 29%: Scratch off tickets

• 4%: Mall chair massages

• 16%: Corporate account for Five Guys

• 3%: Trip to a titty bar (ironic!)

• 39%: Hiring someone to double check if all this totals 100%

A Half Dozen Haikus

Look, some idiot made a haiku about every person in that awful photo in the New Jersey Transit survey brochure.

A bystander, mute

No conversation offered

Useless dimpled man

Tall, blonde, engaging

Her laugh even seems sincere

Collar popped? Hell yes

Sitting in the back

Separated from the rest

Rosa Parks would weep

Tossing her brown hair

Pretending to laugh at jokes

Boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs

Who's the man on board

Whose dick swings like a caber

Thumbs point to this guy

This one fellow points

Tries steering convo this way

Nobody gives shit

My Thought Process Upon Seeing That Ad For "The Client List," Starring Jennifer Love Hewitt

1) Whoa, baby! I gotta watch this these!

2) Lifetime? Oh. Okay, no thanks. They're not going to be showing much nip if the target audience is 50 year old cat lovers.

The good news is she has her own series. The bad news is, it's on Lifetime? So here's pretty much how I read the title of the show:


Still, tits.

Ask Dr. Fish

Dear Dr. Fish,

Sometimes when I am doing yoga (especially coming out of the plow pose), my body suddenly passes air out of my vagina making a fart-like sound. It’s embarrassing when in a room full of other people! I tried keeping my pelvic muscles tight (because this has happened before, though luckily it was in my living room) when lowering my legs down in an attempt to stop this from happening, but no luck. Do you have any suggestions, is something wrong with my insides, and does this happen to other people?

Thank you for your help!
Sue Pine in Scoville

-----

Dear Sue,

Uh, I'm not sure how to answer this question. First of all, I am a fish, so that means I know nothing about yoga. And secondly, this question isn't exactly medical related, which is good, because I'm not really a licensed physician, so I wouldn't have been able to answer any question of that nature, either.

Hope this helped!
Dr. Fish

-----

Dear Dr. Fish,

I suffer from recurring vaginal yeast infections. My doctor gave me an oral antiyeast medicine for it and a cream to apply. In addition, he gave me something to stop the itching. It seemed worse after the treatment, so the doctor gave me five more days of the oral medicine. What would you suggest if it comes back again? Could it be something I am eating or taking?

Thanks in advance,
N.F. in Scoville

-----

Dear N.F. in Scoville,

I would definitely bring it up with your current doctor, mainly because I am not a real doctor. I am actually just a fish in a doctor's outfit. And by the way, if I had a vagina and it itched that much, I would follow those prescriptions to a motherfucking T.

Cheers,
Dr. Fish

-----

Yo, Dr. Fish,

Did you know "vagina" is a Latin word meaning "a sheath or scabbard?" A scabbard into which one might slide and sheath a sword, wink wink. But the sword need not be a penis; our vaginas were sheaths of power and worth celebrating! Here's to vagina power!

Margaret Cho (not the comedienne) in Scoville

-----

Dear Margaret,

What the fuck is going on here, people?! Why are all these questions about vaginas?! And that last one wasn't even a question. Is this some juvenile crack at how vaginas smell like fish or something, because I do NOT appreciate it. I am here to answer legitimate questions about medical problems, although I am not a medical doctor and am in fact just a humble fish. Also, what the sam shit is up with all of you coming from Scoville? Where is that?

Jesus Christ.
Dr. Fish

EADJ Pun Police: Steven Seagal Edition

So you think you're tough, puns? You think your play on words makes you special? I'll show you who's tough. I'm the toughest there is. You've never seen a tougher sonofabitch than me.

*cracks knuckles*



"Holmes for the holiday?" You mean to tell me you released this movie on Christmas just so you could use that stupid pun? Gimme a break. C'mere.

*grabs pun by the hair, snaps neck*


I really feel sorry for you sons of bitches who think you got a shot against me. You think you're clever, but you're not. I'm laughing not because you're funny, but because you're pathetic.

*spins pun around, breaks arm, snaps neck*


Get the fuck out of here. Are you even trying?

*snaps neck*


Okay. Lucky shot. You got a good hit in there.

*wipes blood off bottom lip*

That's not gonna happen again.

*knees pun in the groin, sexually harasses it, snaps neck*


I get it. It's a market. So they put "market on your calendar." Real cute. But not cute enough.

*grabs pun by the neck, spins it around, feels its boobs, puts his tongue between the boobs, snaps neck*


Sure, there's a lot of you, but I can handle it. Come at me!

*seizes pun by the boobs, spins it against a wall, feels the boobs, spins it around, slaps its ass with his dick, snaps neck*


You just don't learn, do you? You're all a bunch of losers!

*sits on the floor, plays with flaccid penis, weeps, snaps own neck*

Jane Seymour's Boobs and Butts Jewelry

Jane Seymour's "Open Hearts" jewelry line is a "universal symbol of hope and love," but the fact is, you're going to be wearing boobs and butts around your neck.



That's right. Boobs and butts. Look at that shape. Jane is obviously impressed at her own handiwork, but she doesn't realize that she painted boobs and butts, and cast boobs and butts out of white gold and sterling silver for sale at exorbitant prices at shitty Kay's Jewelers. Boobs and butts, ladies and gentlemen, boobs and butts.

A Milestone Of Sorts

It's Just Lunch!

Are you a busy professional who would like to meet that special someone, but you just don't have the time to break away from your Blackberry to put more effort into it? Then try It's Just Lunch®, the matchmaker for busy professionals!

Our goal is to create a quality match at a time and location that is convenient for both you and your date. We arrange everything; the only thing you have to do is show up at the restaurant, look up once in a while from your Blackberry, and enjoy your date.

With It's Just Lunch®, we minimize stress and maximize efficiency by sending people on casual dates over lunch and drinks after work. Then it's up to you and your date to either make a connection or continue to be the incompatible yuppie shitfucks that you are!


It's Just Lunch® was created in 1991 by Betty Sinclair and Alana Beyer who found a fun, proactive approach to finding someone who would listen to them bitch about work and also be able to vent about their stultifying, unsatisifying career. The "dates" would last as long as a lunch or a couple of drinks, or until one of them went to the bathroom and never came back. Both Jeannie and Wanda wanted to name their dating service something that captured their sense of not-getting-their-hopes-up, plus they wanted to own the most defensive name in all of dating services: It's Just Lunch®! (They later dropped the "Jesus Christ" from the front, due to copyright violations.)

Let's hear what some of our customers have to say about IJL:

"As a young professional, I found it hard to find someone who shares my passion for spreadsheets and status meetings. Then with It's Just Lunch®, I found someone named Betty who knows exactly how to change the orientation of text in Excel by using the Alignment option. Plus, her pussy doesn't reek."

-Kevin L.


"My life was hectic, empty, and totally focused on my job. But with It's Just Lunch®, I've met someone special, and now my life is hectic, empty, focused on my job, and I get to eat lunch with some Indian guy in a sweater vest! I think his name is Kamal or Venjay?"


- Paula W.


"Motherfucking income report templates are all wrong! Yes, I did fucking reprint it all! FUCK YOU, then, Trent! I have a fucking meeting at 1:30 in the fish bowl! And fucking Martha can't get the original files uploaded in time! FUCK! Wait, hold on... It's Just Lunch® helped me find my newest girlfriend Yvette, and we're getting married in the fall! Thanks, It's Just Lunch®!... Okay, I'm back...FUCK!"

-Charles I.


"As a VP of a national business and someone who doesn't know how to rotate a simple photo, it's refreshing to find likeminded women who are looking for a serious relationship. Thanks, It's Just Lunch®!"

– Gregory H.

Bonus Brooklyn Car Badassery!

Something occurred on my street that I did not expect.

A man was asleep in an idling van. And not just any man.


Yes, my friends. It would appear that the Shorter, Fatter Version of Scott Peterson has reentered my life.


There are tears in my eyes. There's a lump in my pants. Oh, SFVOSP, how I've missed you. How I've yearned for your return. Thank you, Jesus.

<3

*Sigh*

Homemade Adventure.

Joel always likes to try new things (except for dick), so he tried his hand at alpaca breeding after seeing a late night commercial. He thought he could save money on sweaters and meat.

What he didn't know was how much space, time, and effort it would take to get a proper alpaca farm off the ground.

Alpaca Fun Fact: When alpacas breed, males make a noise called an "orgle". This is thought to possibly stimulate ovulation in the female!

What started out as a hobby became a terrible burden on Joel's time. Joel realized he didn't have enough space in his 2 bedroom apartment for traditional pasture breeding, and once he set up the pens in the kitchen and living room, he didn't anticipate that Butternut, his alpaca stud, would be more aggressive in enclosed spaces.

Alpaca Fun Fact: Alpacas and llamas differ in that alpacas have straight ears and llamas have banana-shaped ears!

So after enlarging the main pen, the pantry and the laundry room were unreachable. And Butternut was getting so aggressive that he had advanced on many females who weren't ready to breed yet. Joel had to treat the females before infection could render them infertile.

Alpaca Fun Fact: When alpacas "spit," it's actually acidic stomach contents (generally a green grassy mix)!


Joel had also neglected to maintain the alpacas' communal dung pile, which they create in a corner to separate from their grazing. The pile had started to touch Joel's XBox 360, which he hadn't been able to play since Butternut had eaten the controller.

Alpaca Fun Fact: When male alpacas fight they also scream a warbling bird-like cry, presumably intended to terrify the opponent!

Overwhelmed by the noise, smell, confusion, and time lost that he could have used eating dick, Joel gave up the venture, herding all the alpacas out to the front yard and putting up a sign reading "FREE PUPPIES." Within minutes, neighbors, kids and gangstas had taken every alpaca home. Problem solved!

Piss-Awful Vegas Act #2

Pictured below, the gender-bending goth cheesedick awfulness that is Fashionistas. It's described as "a boy meets girl story told in dance, set to profane industrial music." I love how even they acknowledge it sucks by putting the word "show" in quotes.





Gee, go to a two-bit Vegas show playing industrial remixes of Zeppelin or stick icepicks in your ear canals? Decisions, decisions.

Dumb YouTube Comment O' The Fortnight!

From the "Making Fresh Diamonds In the Microwave" page, a comment by alyankfreak:

you called yourself a moron because your human.

2 Cousins, 1 Played Out Internet Meme

My cousin Kimberly (Mel's sis) takes a gander at 2G1C. And the second time around isn't much better for Melissa.



You'll notice Kim was relatively unfazed by 2G1C. But what did shock her was "Shake That Bear."