An Open Letter To "Nyosha G"

Dear Nyosha G,

Thank you so much for the wonderful package from Bedbathbeyond.com. Like your sticker on the side says, it was certainly packed with pride. I have never seen a showerhead so meticulously prepared for shipping the way you lovingly prepared its uncertain journey. You certainly take *PRIDE* in your job.

A couple of questions: That one loose sheet of paper among all the packing peanuts that had the hand-scrawled message "PLEASE HELP ME" in crayon. That was a joke, right, Nyosha? Thought so! Good one! LOL

Also, along the side of the box, there were some odd numbers that didn't match my tracking number. They looked like this:

6.1750° S, 106.8283° E

Now, my husband tells me that those are actually global coordinates to a small sweatshop in Jakarta, Indonesia, but he's an X-Files fan, and you can't trust him with his silly conspiracy theories!

Anyhoo, I just wanted to thank you for packing such a wonderful package, Nyosha G.  The showerhead will be a lovely present for my Aunt Hazel, and I'll be sure I'll tell her "hey" for you!

Take care, dear!

Chelsea D

Bangor, Maine

The ProofrEADJer, Mid-Spring Edition

I know the next two are from a daycare place, but we're harsh like that.

UAG

An Imagined Conversation

"Hi. Welcome to CVS."
"Hello, I'd like to return a gift."
"Sure. The Discovery Kids Eco-Friendly Color Me Rocketship?"
"Yes."
"Was the toy not to your satisfaction, ma'am?"
"Not so much that. I didn't actually open it."
"Oh. Then what is the problem? It can't be the color. You have to color it yourself!"
"Ha ha. No, it's not that. It's just that I realized I'd purchased a twenty dollar box."
"Well, it's more than that, ma'am. Look here on the front. It 'provides endless hours of imaginative play.' It features a 'crawl-thru porthole.' It measures 5 feet long, sets up quickly, and is made from recycled materials."
"It's a box."
"Sure, but it's whatever your child would like it to be."
"Uh huh. And why did they even bother packaging it in another box?"
"I don't know, ma'am. I don't work for Discovery Kids."
"A box in another box. Who's to say the box it comes in doesn't also provide 'endless hours of imaginative play?'"
"Who says it doesn't?"
"Are you getting smart with me (reads nametag), Gordon?"
"I don't think so, ma'am."
"Just give me my twenty dollars back."
(gives money back)
"Thanks. Now, where's your dumpster, Gordon? I need a box about yay big."

Some People Just Don't Read.

Since moving to Jersey, we've had a ton of boxes in the basement. So my wife posted a Craigslist ad on Tuesday that there would be free boxes on the curb that weekend:


Within hours, she received lots of responses, but much to her chagrin, most of the respondents hadn't somehow read the ad. I mean, it's pretty straightforward– location and time, what's to misunderstand? A lot. Who knew Craigslist was a cesspool of illiterates unclear on basic details?

Respondent 1:

Date: Thursday, September 17, 2009, 7:45 AM

Hello,

Are
the boxes still
available.

Please call me for
pickup.

Thx

Zach

Grade: F. Zach failed to grasp the very basic information about the boxes being available ON THE WEEKEND. Plus his lack of question marks makes him seem suspicious.



Respondent 2:

Date: Wednesday, September 16, 2009, 3:39 PM

Are the
boxes and packing
material still available? I have a friend that lives in
(town) that would be
able to pick them up for me. Thanks.

Jean

Grade: F. Jean also gets a failing grade, but only because she was copying off of Zach. Eyes on your papers, people.




Respondent 3:

Date: Wednesday, September 16, 2009, 12:19 AM

Where is (town)?
I would like to take them off your hands but if you are too
far it would not be a green move for me. Trying to stay in a
radius close to home for conservation reasons. so let me
know where you are please. and thanks for posting the boxes.

Ruth


Grade: F-. Jean gets several points for trying to save the earth but more points off for being at a goddamn computer and not thinking to Google "(town)." People that stupid shouldn't drive anyway. RUTH.



Respondent 4:

Tuesday, September 15, 2009, 11:19 AM

Hello there,

I can pick them all anytime today..
What's ur location?
I will be driving from jersey city( journal square)

Let mr know asap
My contact-201XXXXXXX
Thanks
S.M.

Grade: F--. S.M. combines the flaws of Zach, Jean and Ruth into a perfect storm of dumb. Read the godforsaken ad, son. Shit!




Respondent 5:

Tuesday, September 15, 2009, 2:12 PM

hi there...i am in need of bubble wrap to make some
halloween costumes. my son, who is 9, has this
character he invented called "captain joy" where he uses
bubble guns (aka: joy pumps) as his vehicle to spread joy
throughout the boroughs (mainly brooklyn and
manhattan)!! it's super cute!! so this year for
halloween, we are making a full "captain joy" get-up!!
it will be a light-up bubble wrap tuxedo of sorts. i
am going to make a complimentary bubble wrap dress to be his
co-captain:) so we need a good amount that is in large
pieces to make the cuts. if you have some that you
think would be workable and wouldn't mind me coming by to
pick it up earlier, that would be greatly
appreciated!! thanks....stephanie and captain joy :)

Grade: N/A. We're really not sure what to make of this. Should we contact Child Protective Services? That kid's going to grow up to either be a Tony award winner or a serial killer. Maybe both. Nice going, Stephanie. And use your shift key once in a while. :(

So the big day (or weekend) rolls by...

Bathing in a Brooklyn Basement

As I was moving boxes in the basement of my Brooklyn apartment, I discovered a once-used miniature shower.


It was a little more than 5' high, with a tiny slanted tile floor...


...and a small pipe without a shower head. It was claustrophobic and looked like it was baked from adobe.


Bizarro. It looks tiny enough only for Twikki, Emmanuel Lewis or David Spade.

No Habla Breakfast Roll

Spotted at the 4th Avenue/9th Street subway stop:


Eww. Taquitos and coffee sounded weird to begin with, then the big circle said the taquitos were filled with OMELET.


Wow. Nothing like taquitos and coffee to wake you up and make you fart on the way to work. Since when was Mexican cuisine part of this nutritious breakfast? This only sounds delicious when you're drunk at 4am and you can't remember where your left shoe is.


Tiger.


Of course, no ad in New York would be complete without some pithy graffiti commentary: