The Birth and Rebirth of All Nature, / The Passing of Winter and Spring, / We Share With the Life Universal, / Rejoice in the Magical Pathmark.

Like a mis-shelved Phoenix rising from the ashes, it is becoming safer to shop in person, and the Pathmark segment has finally returned.

And these two submitted by Emily Kane:

Welcome back, frustrated stockboys!

Reasons Why Annie + Jackson Won't Last

Spotted in Staples, a mockup of a Save the Date, featuring an Annie + Jackson:

1) They're having the wedding (November 25) on a Thanksgiving weekend?! That's either on purpose because they're so unsure about the wedding that they don't want their relatives and friends to actually attend, or they're so dumbly infatuated with each other that they haven't properly thought things through.

2) It's a sweet pose, but the fact that Jackson has his back to her and doesn't make eye contact speaks volumes about their actual chemistry.

3) Not to perpetuate the diamond industrial complex, but I don't see a ring on that hand. Not even a simple band. Bad start, Jackson!

4) Both of their hairstyles are so damned trendy, it wouldn't be a surprise if their relationship were as superficial and fleeting. Truth hurts, folks.

5) They went to STAPLES for invitations? Pair of broke-ass kids are gonna fight over money within the first year and get divorced- mark my words.

UAG

A Short List of Things Joel Hates

Since we haven't heard from the eponymous Joel in a while, here's a recent list he submitted of things he hates:


Joel also hates:

• Not eating dick
• Eating dick and it's over already
• Thinking you ate dick but turns out you didn't
• Never having enough dick sauce handy
• Asking for dick sauce and the waiter gives you duck sauce
• Eating duck without dick
• Eating dick and there's duck all up in it for some reason
• The blog Eat A Duck Joel
• Knowing there's so much uneaten dick out there
• The phrase "chunk o' change." So lame, people!
• Anti-dick
• People who drive Jaguars and think they're all that
• Waiters who are chintzy with the dick

An Open Letter to Hummer H2 Owners

Dear Hummer H2 Owner:

Ha ha. So now what, bitch? You shelled out $35K for a big honking super-SUV status symbol a few years ago, and now you're feeling regret? Awesome.

Sure, you knew it would look "commanding" in front of the P.F. Chang's and the Blockbuster Video when you'd double park it during your errands. PLUS you knew beforehand that Hummers only have like 11 MPG. But it was worth the gas money to look "boss" for the "ladies," right?

Buuut, you didn't count on gas getting this expensive. Or society going all green. And now GM's own Kelton Research study says that "at a party, 80% of US car buyers would rather chat up the owner of a fuel-efficient car than someone with a fancy new sports car." So even women at parties don't think you're cool.


Oh, you say no big deal, that you already make plenty of money to offset the $128+ it takes to fill your tank? And those girls at the party were skanks anyway? Hey, that's exactly the standard numbnutted douchebag response we were expecting!

So enjoy your three-ton brick, pal. Maybe you can just fill it with Gatorade now and push it around like a sports bottle. Or fill it with vinegar so you can douche, you douche.

Fuck your mother,
Eat a Dick Joel