6 Lies Told By the Choo Choo Barn Brochure

Choo Choo Barn is a kid-friendly toy train museum that invites families to come look at a bunch of small shit running through some other small shit to make a whole charming small world of shit. If I sound bitter it's because they wouldn't let me take a poo there even though I showed a ticket stub that I had just been there 6 years prior. 

1) Enjoy seeing hardworking truckers frustratedly sit in traffic while trains whisk by them!

2) The billboard doesn't actually show missing children from a previous tour group who wandered too far into the "Cave of Nothingness."

3) If Amish Country weren't quaint enough for you city folk, the miniature version will charm the ever living whorepennies out of your godless, Instagramming pockets!

4) Master modeler and second generation owner Tom Groff dresses like a doctor, but is NOT a licensed podiatrist. So put your boots back on, Aunt Tina.

5) Scanning this QR code actually takes you here.

6) The Choo Choo Barn Twitter feed is mostly just shirtless shots of Tom Groff, with and without the white lab coat.

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Lenscrafters is proud to announce the exclusive "Six Lies Told" line of premium eyeglass frames.

Made with quality plasticine ceramic and putty, these exquisite, lightweight and high-end frames can help you spot lies up to 200 meters away, or only 2 inches away if you're nearsighted haha. That's a joke.

These limited edition "6L" frames will be available in Huron Blue, Agassi Red and Vulva Green and will retail for $295.00.

UAG

Some Alternate Taglines For The Movie "Shark Exorcist," Which Could Use All The Help It Can Get

The original stupid tagline:

Some new stupid taglines that we came up with:

Track Listing For a Kwanzaa Carols CD Written By Someone Who Knows Nothing About Kwanzaa But Has The Utmost Respect For It But Only Has The CD Cover To Go By

1) Feast?

2) 6 Pillars of Pride

3) The Red, Green and Black of It All

4) And Now We Pass The Cup

5) Salt, Fruit, and Wheat Threshings

6) Blessings of the Season (Uptown Remix)

7) What The Corn Means (What Does It Mean?)

8) Performing On Greenscreen

9) Kwanzaa: An Evening (Week?) of Reflection or Celebration or Something

10) Deck The Halls (Serious Kwanzaa Version)

11)  Light That Candle (For That Kwanzaa Flame)

Maurice and Kristine: Network Promotional Whores

J'Net brought this to my attention yesterday: CBS 2 is promoting NFL Thursday Night Football and they got the contractually obligated news anchors Kristine Johnson and Maurice Du Bois (it means "of wood") to dress up and "have fun with it." And they tried.

Looks like Kristine drew the line at wearing a ruffled cheerleader miniskirt. And it looks like Maurice said "Hell no" and simply changed his tie to a gold one.

I'm not entirely understanding the glowing tip of the football. What does that remind me of? Oh, right.

RUN, MAURICE! COVER YOUR FACE!

Here's Maurice cutting loose.

Here's Kristine thinking about what time she had to pick up her dry cleaning before they closed.

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

Cory and Desmond waited patiently while GameSpot repaired their XBox 360.

Iggy wondered why all the neighborhood kids yelled "Jan Hammer!" when biking past her house.

Sing | Pray | Love | Foundation | Foundation | Foundation | Foundation | 

"C'mere. COME HERE. Did you see who pulled the chair out from under me?"

Lighting can make a naked woman look either very sensual or like a leftover Salisbury steak.

That's a pretty impressive Ted homage. I also like the guy double gunning two joints.

????????????? [Don't ask me why, for I do not know the answer to this one.]

The retoucher tried to create a golden pair of headphones. It ended up looking like the S91-SB-04 Satin Brass Door Handle from Handle World.

Everybody looks so bummed to be so free.

Marijuana?! No, these days Macaulay Culkin is into way harder stuff.

"Swimming On The Meat Juice"

Below, a TripAdvisor review of Sir Walter Raleigh Restaurant, which is just down the road from my Mom and Dad's:

Can't tell if this writer was illiterate or was using English as a second language. And apparently the reviewer has never heard of "au jus." Either way, fantasticism!

Read the review here.

And this is impressive: if you Google search the phrase "swimming on the meat juice" in quotes, there is only ONE SEARCH RESULT.

EADJ Smecial Dreams Entry, Or Andrew Gall and I Bare Our Naked Psyches To One Another

"EVEN DRIVER."