EADJ Presents: Where Are They Now?

After releasing his own solo album, session musician Berry Clouds retired from music and now runs a dry cleaning business out of his 8 bedroom home with his 3 wives and 16 children.

Stunt performer and martial arts master Gochujang Mang is currently touring with his dojo on a speaking tour, motivating high schoolers to get more involved in their community and to spread the gospel of fitness. His name has become a war cry of teen positivity. Gochujang Mang!

Disgraced magicians Piso Mojado and Sol Humide are planning a comeback tour, starting in the Denver, Colorado bar circuit. So far they've sold out 3 taverns and one cocktail lounge with their witty and ribald card tricks. Mojado still must report to his parole officer on a regular basis.

Crime boss S'mores McFlurry is still missing after breaking out of a minimum security prison in Nouvelle-Aquitaine in southwestern France. Authorities say he could be anywhere from Portugal to Fiji and urge anyone to report a kindly old Irishman with a raging six pack.

Some More Things Cuter Than Ariana Grande

Ariana Grande is a 25 year old grown-ass woman now, but she'll still have you believe she's a bashful, doe-eyed Kewpie doll. A few previous EADJ entries documented a few things that are cuter than her. Here is yet another.

• Any Japanese cartoon mascot

• Chubby illustrated stars with fat little legs and arms

• Animal crackers, especially the little elephants

• The element Helium

• Sleeping hedgehogs

• How Axl Rose thinks "he's still got it"

• Baby pacifiers that make it look like they have vampire teeth

• Doll pants

• The tiny mews kittens make when they're pissed

The EADJ Fashion Round-up: Suburban Edition

Heels, socks, coat, bag. dahling, style is everything, even when simply transporting a white hexagon across the street.

Dude's got his game tight. Can't fuck wit this.

At what age is it appropriate to stop wearing a male ponytail? Answer: about 22.

Here now is a quick Fashion Round-up photography course in 3 photos:

Nope. Too far.

Better. But the guy is blocking the girl. Wait a few seconds and...

PERFECT! Great composition, you can see both of their stupid topside hair buns clearly, and we have a bonus of "BUNNY BUDDIES" on the screen behind them! Publish this!

Hose Spool Was Sad.

Hose Spool Was Sad.

White Van didn't know how to handle it.

American Cheese Display quacked like a duck.

Cordless Phone stayed on mute.

Side of Building wondered who could help.

Fluorescent Light didn't see the big deal.

Bathroom Stall Bracket stared in silence.

Boba Fett scanned for lifeforms.

House 1 was in disbelief.

House 2 didn't understand what was going on.

Baby Changing Station 1 kept out of it.

Baby Changing Station 2 just smirked.

Two Plaques and Water Fountain yapped to everybody about it.

Smecial Dreams Entry

One day a shrink will analyze all these smecial entries and wonder why he wasted his time doing so.

Duck, Duck, Duck, Pathmark.

Think Quick!

A fellow patron at your local TGI Friday's is choking to death and has collapsed! With only minutes to spare you must use whatever's available hanging on the walls to save them! Do you:

• Fan the victim using the 'Haunted House' sign!

• Use the plastic musical notes under their neck to clear air passages!

• Inflate the Yoda latex mask and use it to resuscitate the victim!

• Oh, look. An old photo of Joe Namath when he played for the New York Jets! That's actually a '12' on his sleeve instead of just a '2.' He used to be called "Broadway Joe," you know.

• Yes, that's a picture disc of Gary Numan on that turntable. See, back in my day, most of the singles came on 12" vinyl, so you'd see more of that at the local clubs. Jesus, where's our Sesame Jack Chicken Strips? I ordered Sesame Jack Chicken Strips.

These Are the People On the Subway

The New York subway system is full of people. Here are some of them:

The Stairwell Texter


I WLL B HOME N 20 MIN LOL! IM STILL @ GRND CNTRL STATN AND PPL ARE WALKING BY ME CUZ IM TOTLLY IN D WAY LIKE SOME FUCKING IDIOT SHITHEAD SKANK LOL!!!!!! IM SRPRIZED NO 1 HAS SIMPLY PUSHT ME DOWN THE STAIRZ AND BE DONE W ME! PRBLM SOLVD!!!

The Douchebag Moron Who Stands In the Fucking Doorway Blocking Anyone Who Wants To Get In Or Out And Uses His Limited Intellect To Put His Back To the Door So He Doesn't Have To See All the People Who Want To Stab Him In His Fucking Eye and Also Nice Hat You Smug Turd


Tiger!


Miss Trashbag Pants


I'm guessing that she was going for the "Trinity from the Matrix" look. But instead she has to avoid street curbs to prevent getting accidentally kidnapped by the Thursday Sanitation Pick-up.

Hell is A Bridal Shop.

It's four months after the wedding, and we can finally settle down and never have to talk about weddings ever again, right? Wrong! I had to accompany the new wife to a bridal salon so that she could have the dress PRESERVED and TOUCHED UP. The shop's proprietors are two very lovely but chatty women. Add the fact that J'Net brought a PHOTO ALBUM OF THE WEDDING, and you've got one seriously bored-out-of-his-everlovin'-skull groom.


I could have left the shop, but the shop is located in Haddonfield, NJ, which is essentially a Thomas Kinkaid painting brought to life. So no porn shops, casinos, or walls to tag. So what was my recourse? I took a flight of fancy through the magic of my imagination.

I grabbed the nearest reading material– an Alfred Angelo "Special Occasion" separates catalog– and proceeded to let my mind wander. I played a game called "Pick 5 Women in This Catalog That I'd Bone and Why."


And after deliberating for 10 minutes, here were my picks (it must be noted here that this was an intellectual exercise in the front window of a store– there was no self-frottage happening):


5) "The Middle School Chaperone"

This model, who I've nicknamed Frida, with her buxom frame and come-hither look definitely stood out as bone-able.

The fact that she's standing in a corner, as if she just snuck out of the middle school gym for a quickie doesn't hurt either.

Hey, Frida, make sure the kids aren't spiking the punch bowl again!

Bonability Factor: 6




4) "The Kitty Dukakis"

Now, I'm no MILF hunter, but I am a total sucker for a lapel-less jacket with matching buttons and cuffs.

"Cheryl" here wears the outfit with class, style, and a little bit of irony. Very bonable.

Standing proud against the wall as if she's facing either paparazzi or a firing squad, Cheryl does it with all the detachment of someone not getting emotionally involved with a boning.

Bonability Factor: 7



3) "The Galadriel"

Frida's back in a corner with a naughtier, more revealing ensemble.

As if emerging from her tree dwelling at Caras Galadhon, she offers refuge for Frodo Baggins and the Fellowship of the Ring.

And a little revealed leg shows that her temptations are almost as strong as that of the One Ring. Good show, Frida!

Bonability factor: 8




2) "The Nancy Reagan/ The Booty Shifter" (tie)


"Karla" and "Miriam" both exude sexuality, but from different ends of the spectrum, with the same end result.

Karla's prim, straightforward manner tells you she wants to schedule a serious boning.

Miriam, however, slyly throws that ass around as if to say, "Oh, did you notice my ass? It's available for boning."

Bravo, ladies, you're both winners!

Combined bonability factor: 9.5




1) "The Aged Trophy Wife"

This model, nicknamed "Cherise," has a bored playfulness about her that defiantly confirms her sexuality.

Drunk and leaning against the wall for support, she doesn't care if her CEO husband sees her flirting with the young bartender at the charity function. He doesn't give her the business like he used to, and she's a Rob Roy away from telling the whole party that he can't get it up anymore.

But she'll bone you at the drop of a hat.

Bonability Factor: 4,000