An Open Letter To All Companies and Corporations

Dear All Companies and Corporations, 

There are many things we would like from you. Good service. Quality products. A pleasant overall "brand experience". But on the flip side, there are many things we would NOT like from you— long wait times, shoddy products, difficult sales transactions, and most recently, A.I. helpers.

"Hey, they're tiny and cute! And they're here to help!" is what you probably think how we customers react to these little digital critters in the corner of our browsers or phone screens. But that's not how we react at all.

Our reactions actually vary from "Oh, what's this annoying thing?" to "Goddammit, now I can never talk to Customer Service ever again!"

Because when it comes down to it, none of us are looking to chitchat with a computer during these times. We want our thing and we want to get out of there. 

If anything, throwing an AI chatbot in our face is the opposite of customer service. It's telling us you don't care about customers and that a mindless automated robot can answer any of our mundane questions. That we as customers don't deserve an actual human.

In summary, fuck these AI chatbots and fuck YOU for thinking any of us want this shit. FUCK YOU.

Sincerely, EADJ

Commercial Break

Coca Cola. For when Common, Portia de Rossi and Feist get together for Beeferoni and salad.

The Triumphant Return of Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster

Back in May, I attended a wedding at NYC and got properly shitrocked.

And whilst drunk, I had the presence of mind to write a few Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster entries. Here they are now, copied from my phone and unedited:

You show up at a ranch decided type place and then you decide that somehow the big gigantic lobster giant lobster thing is going to get you. Then you realize you’ve had the power to defeat it all along. And then you think hey, this is just like one of those things that makes it like lobster fest at red lobster at red lobster time stop.

You’re caught in pretty much a sling type hammock device but you realize that the only way to get out of it, is to order more lobster. And when you order more lobster, you realize that is so delicious, they don’t realize or care, they were in this type of position. That’s one way, to realize that you’re in the lobster fest at red lobster daikon pop

You wearing 24 silver skirt type vans types of shit so then you realize that just because it’s happening you don’t really know what you’re doing, what is this. You got it but then what is going on,? That’s when you realize, that hot legs in a short skirt is nothing match for lobster fest at red lobster.

The ProofrEADJer: February Edition