We Re-Caption Some Falun Gong Exercises

"WASSUP NEW YOOOOOORK?"

"I've got the baby, but where is that closet light?"

"C'mon and dry, roll-on. I'm late for work!"

"♪ My name is Alexander Hamilton ♪"

"Sorry. I don't care if you do know the DJ. I can't let you in without an ID."

"Who twisted me into this position? Some angry short guy, about this high."

But on a rare serious note, Falun Gong practitioners have been persecuted by the Communist Party in China, which sucks. Maybe read about it here.

25 Days of Hallmark Movies, Day 13: "Mingle All The Way"

"Mingle All The Way" is about as standard a boy-meets-girl romance you can expect from this genre, with Christmas simply as the pretty backdrop to the action instead of integral to the story. And the movie kind of felt like Jim Halpert and Pam Beesly in a dramedy, which is not a good thing.

Romance Factor: 9 out of 10

Christmas Cheer: 4 out of 10

Overall Rating: 6.5 out of 10

Time Until First Kiss: 01:23:26

KAW! Finds Its Perch On the EADJ Crappinuum

"KAW!" was the 27th(!) awful film reviewed on the EADJ Crappinema, which is fitting since 27 is not a special number, and this movie sure as shit wasn't, either.

Our initial fears that "KAW!" would simply be "Vipers" with wings were thankfully put to rest- "KAW!" managed to be awful and unenjoyable on its own terms. I'm just glad I didn't lose all of the screenshots and have to watch that damn movie twice.

Click to enlarge:

Oh, yeah. Still trying to bug Tom Weingard about his review of this film. Remind me to remind him.

A Brief Status Of What Mall Kiosk Attendants Are Doing

The following is an accurate account of what Pria, attendant at Phone Phun at Berkeley Heights Mall, PA did while working on November 6, 2012 from 1:34pm - 1:40pm:

• picked nose

• straightened the rack of ugly dayglo bedazzled iPhone covers

• adjusted sweater

• adjusted bra strap (left)

• smiled at old woman who wasn't even looking at her

• hummed the theme to "SWAT"

• grabbed crotch/looked around to see if anyone was watching

• alphabetized the lanyards

• lifted right leg to squeeze one out

The following is an accurate account of what Donovan, attendant at That's My Mug! at Berkeley Heights Mall, PA did while working on November 6, 2012 from 2:14pm - 2:28pm:

• played Angry Birds

• nodded to the attendee of the FLYING THINGS kiosk nearby

• did that thing where you flick your cheek to make a "waterdrop" noise

• straightened row of personalized mugs

• considered having a Cavatini from Pizza Hut for lunch

• straightened row of blank mugs that have yet to be personalized

• said the word "shit" to himself

• thought about Alyson Hannigan

• played Plants Vs. Zombies

• scratched ear

• thought about those new Hobbit movies

• shat himself

So You're Pregnant And Betrayed

The first thing you gotta do is ask yourself, how did I get pregnant and betrayed in the first place? What steps have I taken (or not taken) to leave me vulnerable to this pregnancy/betrayal? Is the man who impregnated me the same one who betrayed me? If I let that person impregnate me, did I not also give unspoken permission for him to betray me as well? These are the questions you should be asking.

Of course, if you kept your legs together/cards close to your vest, you wouldn't be finding yourself knocked up and backstabbed. If you had taken the necessary precautions to keep the wrong man from entering your vagina/circle of trust to avoid propagation/double-dealing, you wouldn't have a bun in the oven and be left holding the bag. 

But what's done is done. There is no reason to be stewing in your hormones/disillusionment and looking at what you could have done differently. All you can do now is pick up your uterus/chin and move forward.

But let this be a lesson to you- be more careful before you let a man conceive a child with you/sell you down the river. Don't let that man's sperm fertilize your egg/double-cross you. Here's a rule of thumb: don't let the guy who fucked you fuck you. Fuck you.

Any mother can be an idiot. And obviously any idiot can be a mother.

TAFFY!

Pictured above, a far more depressing scene than Edward Hopper's "Night Hawks."