We Asked A Man With His Head Squeezed Between A Woman's Thighs The Difference Between Antipasto and Charcuterie

"Good question! It's simple, really. Antipasto platters... uh... coff coff coff... include a variety... ouch... a varie... variety of flavors... No, not now... and textures, while... *gag*... charcuterie boards... (pant pant) charcuterie boards... focus primarily... oh god... on cured meats. Does that answer your questi...." *neck breaks*

More Things That Are Objectively Cuter Than Ariana Grande

Pop superstar Ariana Grande continues to project the image of being the cutest thing in the universe. With respect, we at EADJ have found a few more things that are proven to be cuter than her:

• panda paws

• baby doll cowboy boots

• plush starfish

• crocodiles wearing glasses

• fingernail-sized frogs (however poisonous)

• velour mittens

• the fact that Ziggy doesn't have a neck

• Dustin Hoffman giggling

• Ed Sheeran attempting to grow facial hair

• when kids sing along to "Smack My Bitch Up"

Another Incomplete List of Things That Are Objectively Cuter Than Ariana Grande

Previous Ariana Grande segments here.

You've probably noticed by now that Ariana Grande is cute. That's because everything Ariana Grande says, sings, does or bats her eyelashes at are to let you know that she is cute. But here we at EADJ would like to suggest that there a few things that are actually cuter than Ms. Grande.

• Ponies with ponytails

• Orphanage gas leaks

• The way old men stammer when outwitted

• Terrible balloon animals

• Jello shots that don't make it into your mouth

• Snails wearing bibs

• Yoda holding Baby Yoda

• Dynasty reruns on mute

Another List of Things That Are Cuter Than Ariana Grande

Pop phenom Ariana Grande isn't content with selling millions of records– she also doing everything in her considerable power to let you to know that she's the cutest thing since sliced baby bread. With all due respect, here is a list of things that happen to be objectively cuter than Ms. Grande:

• pizza cutters shaped like the Starship Enterprise

• Slow moving bears

• The word "curlicue"

• The way Nick Offerman giggles

• dwarf furniture

• glitter glue on a kitten's paws

• The paragraph symbol (aka pilcrow) : ¶

• Charlyne Yi

• The way dogs look like they're smiling when they pant

• Elementary school drinking fountains

• Steven Mnuchin's gorgeous actress wife (just kidding. She SUCKS)

• Custard

Another List of Shit That's Objectively Cuter Than Ariana Grande

Popstar Ariana Grande has built a career on batting her eyelashes and looking adorable. This blog can acknowledge her cuteness but would like to suggest a few things that happen to be way cuter than she. Here are some:

• Any Funko Pop figurine

• Kittens riding tiny tricycles

• Any infant with googly eyes on their forehead

• A slice of Pizza Hut Personal Pan Pizza on a girl's plastic teacup saucer.

• Rabbits yawning

• Your excuses for not working out

• Granny shots

• Cartoon hockey pucks with arms and legs

• When chimps make that heart thing with their hands

• A Terminator made from Duplo blocks 

• Chip from "Beauty & The Beast"

Yet Another List of Things That Are Objectively Cuter Than Ariana Grande

Previous Ariana-related entries here.

Ariana Grande has meticulously crafted her public persona as an adorable, dimpled songstress. We do admit she is pretty cute in every photo she takes, but here we respectfully offer a list of things that are undeniably cuter than she:

• Upholstered dollhouse furniture

• Speed date jitters

• Flowers made from frosting on cakes

• Animal emojis

• Pompoms on socks

• Any drawing of the tooth fairy

• Chewbacca's son Lumpy

• Jingle bell bracelets

• Alligators with galoshes on their feet

• Cartoon raccoons

Another List of Things That Are Objectively Cuter Than Ariana Grande

Pop singer Ariana Grande's entire public identity is built on the idea that she's cute as a button, and perhaps the cutest thing ever. But we here at EADJ would like to respectively suggest a few other things that have been scientifically proven to be cuter than her. List, begin!:

• Baby Yoda from "The Mandalorian"

End of list.

More Things That Are Objectively Cuter Than Ariana Grande

Ariana Grande is a worldwide, ubiquitous phenomenon, but she also likes to present herself as a bashful, wide-eyed bundle of dimples and adorability. With all due respect to the Grammy-winning pop singer, EADJ would like to suggest a few more things that are undeniably cuter than her:

• Dollhouse toilets

• Hedgehog paws

• Little boys named "Malcolm"

• When a dog wags its tail so much his whole ass moves

• Billie Eilish shrugging

• When a rookie cardiologist doesn't clear when someone with the paddles yells "Clear!"

• Taffeta

• When your dad borrows his wife's sweatpants and has "JUICY" on his butt

• Sally Field at any age

• Anthropomorphic bowling pins

• Anyone Western trying to pronounce "Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan"

• The Noid from the old Domino's Pizza commercials

Another List of Things That Are Cuter Than Ariana Grande

Previous Ariana Grande-related entries here.

Being talented and famous apparently isn't enough for Ariana Grande. She also fancies herself an irresistible, adorable summer sprite who sheds pixie dust while butterflies flutter out of her dimples. That's all well and good, but here now are more things that happen to be cuter than her:

• Golden retriever paws

• Japanese tissue packaging

• Teaspoons

• Bear cubs wearing shorts

• Brain from "Pinky and The Brain" when he smiles

• Any animated cactus

• A baby eating baby carrots and baby corn

• Tugboat bumpers

• A young Flavor Flav

• The way good parents wince when explicit lyrics play around their children

• Javier Bardem using a baby voice

• Those cute sayings on Taco Bell sauce packets

Another List of Things That Are Cuter Than Ariana Grande

This has been covered several times before on this blog, but it seems that Ariana Grande presents herself in videos and on stage as the cutest thing ever, to which we respectfully disagree. Here now are at least 11 things that are objectively cuter than Ms. Grande:

• Koalas wearing shorts

• a Thanos bobblehead

• the pilcrow, aka the paragraph symbol: ¶

• AAA batteries

• hedgehog farts

• Rowlf from Muppet Babies

• any Devo cover band

• toddlers in jean jackets trying to look tough

• the Pyraminx

• crying poop emojis

• old people dabbing

• travel-size anything

• how gangsta rap in the 90s released "clean" versions for radio play

Some More Things Cuter Than Ariana Grande

Ariana Grande is a 25 year old grown-ass woman now, but she'll still have you believe she's a bashful, doe-eyed Kewpie doll. A few previous EADJ entries documented a few things that are cuter than her. Here is yet another.

• Any Japanese cartoon mascot

• Chubby illustrated stars with fat little legs and arms

• Animal crackers, especially the little elephants

• The element Helium

• Sleeping hedgehogs

• How Axl Rose thinks "he's still got it"

• Baby pacifiers that make it look like they have vampire teeth

• Doll pants

• The tiny mews kittens make when they're pissed

And 20 More Things That Are Cuter Than Ariana Grande

This is part of an irregular but ongoing series.
The two previous entries are here and here.

International pop star Ariana Grande will have you believe- by batting her eyelashes, looking coyly over her shoulder, or biting her lip- that she is the cutest thing since sliced baby bread. We're here to suggest otherwise. And here are 20 more things that are easily cuter than Miss Grande could ever hope to be:

1. Manga bunnies in shorts
2. Ewoks falling over
3. A koala in a track suit
4. An infant hanging on the hood of a speeding car
5. The Pleiades star cluster on certain nights
6. The Airbnb logo
7. Barbie's tiny smartphone
8. An Eskimo child learning to ride a bike
9. A baby dressed like BB-8
10. Baby chicks standing around a miniature conference table as if they're having a meeting
11. Pizza bites packaging
12. A terrified gerbil stuck inside a violin that someone's playing
13. Any 3 year old trying to pronounce the word "swagadocious"
14. "Hamilton" Broadway cast bobbleheads
15. When the janitor brings her daughter into work to help empty the trash cans at 3am
16. Mermaids in diapers
17. Dorf in a kimono
18. Gleek
19. The molecular model for sugar
20. The kid version of MC Serch in 3rd Bass's video for "Pop Goes The Weasel:"

UAG

"Swimming On The Meat Juice"

Below, a TripAdvisor review of Sir Walter Raleigh Restaurant, which is just down the road from my Mom and Dad's:

Can't tell if this writer was illiterate or was using English as a second language. And apparently the reviewer has never heard of "au jus." Either way, fantasticism!

Read the review here.

And this is impressive: if you Google search the phrase "swimming on the meat juice" in quotes, there is only ONE SEARCH RESULT.

An Entomologist Reviews The Bab-E-Safe™ Janglebugs

Eat A Dick Joel has asked famed entomologist and founding member of the New York Entomological Society Lionel Monod, Ph.D. to do a guest review the popular baby's product Janglebugs, manufactured by the Bab-E-Safe Corporation in Akron, Ohio. Here are his observations:


First off, I'd like to state how appalled I am that this blog has asked me to review what are clearly not genuine insect specimens. My extensive training at the University of Michigan and the Rochester Zoological Institute has overqualified me to examine or critique these gimcracks and gewgaws aimed at infants. But since they did pay me with a coupon good for $5 off any regular size pizza at Pizza Hut, I guess I have to honor my end of the bargain. Sigh.

The "Bee"


The crude black and yellow stripes on this specimen lead me to believe the Bab-E-Safe™ manufacturers were aiming to depict a bee of the Bombus genus, in the family Apidae, more commonly known as the "bumble bee."

John Maynard Smith, a noted biologist with a strong background in aeronautics, once pointed out that bumble bees would not be expected to sustain flight, as they would need to generate too much power given their tiny wing area. The Janglebug "bee" absurdly has gigantic (blue!) wings that forego this entire scientific discussion.

Oh. Also, bees don't generally have a gigantic stupid grin on their faces, as they don't have lips that can make them smile.


The "Ladybug"


This one offends me even more than the others.

Coccinellidae is a family of beetles, more commonly known as "ladybirds" or "ladybugs." And of course, the temptation is to reduce the specimen to a red insect with several black dots on the wing covers, which Bab-E-Safe™ naturally did without hesitation. But not only did they ignore basic beetle anatomy; they showed the ladybug smiling (with lips it doesn't have) with its "face" pointing the wrong way! The wing covers are on the coccinellidae's back, not it's front! That's just oversimplifying and perverting basic nature, there. Patently UNACCEPTABLE.



The "Butterfly"


Okay, fine. I'm not going to go through the order Lepidoptera being the day-flying group consisting of butterflies and moths, because we all know this. Everyone except Bab-E-Safe™, who somehow think cobbling together blue wings and a purple spotted abdomen (where is the motherfucking thorax?!!) while wearing a stupid fucking grin counts as a "butterfly." Christ. In what city is the Bab-E-Safe™ headquarters based? I think I want to firebomb their place.

Summary
Look, I am but a simple entomologist. My work is not stressful or demanding. Hell, lots of people examine insects as a hobby. But for this blog to ask me to review this preposterous set of zoological blasphemies is beyond my comprehension or abilities. Here's that pizza coupon back, EADJ. I gotta go make some Molotov cocktails and head out to Akron, Ohio.