"Gear up, space LEOs! It's time for you beat cops to do some patrol work and weed out any insidious puns that you find in this sector of Moon 562. Get to it, officers!"
"Gee, that's painful. But a misdemeanor at worst. Issue a ticket and carry on."
"'WineDown'? That is BAD. A real 4-80 groaner pun there. Take them into custody and maybe let them spend some time in the cooler to think about what they've done."
"Okay, Officer Cybo-3 tracked this one down on the restaurant platform. 'STEAK ME HOME TONIGHT' is egregious. Plus it forces me to hum Eddie Money, so that's a felony."
"Oh, another one from the SAME restaurant? Okay, bring out the paddywagon ship. We're hauling everyone in there to the clink."
"Red alert! We have a code black situation on the restaurant platform! The entire menu is full of horrible seafood puns! Put up the barricades, lock the whole block down! God help us all!"
The Cat Sitter Trilogy at first glance is a series of innocent DVDs designed to amuse your cats while you go out whoring at clubs. Closer analysis, however, reveals a tightly-constructed narrative that begins with a simple coming of age story and builds into an almost apocalyptic war epic with the fate of nations in the balance. Here now we break the DVDs down into the individual stories that make this impressive story arc.
Young actor Jay Baruchel plays the awkward teenage kid who runs his father's birdcage shop. He happens upon a secret compartment in the stockroom, and inside is a magical Macguffin which awakens his latent bird powers. The first twenty minutes of this installment covers him learning how to perch, peck and sit inside the little squares in a chain link fence. He is trained by a Japanese man named Xu Daoning, although it's clearly a Chinese name, and he's played by a caucasian actor with eye shadow. Whatever.
Cat Sitter DVD, "Volume 2: "Rodents" informally titled "From Earth We Shall Master Ourselves; To The Sky We Shall Reign Over All"
Jay Baruchel continues as a young, troubled but talented teenager who must unite the world of birds with that of the underground rodents. This second installment, like "The Empire Strikes Back," is all a big downer designed to create new obstacles for our more fleshed out protagonist. Also, the Japanese guy is now played by a Chinese guy. Baby steps.
Cat Sitter DVD, "Volume 3: "Yarn and String" informally titled "Fuck All Y'All"
The production company pulls all the stops in this magnificent third installment. String, yarn, and even thread take part in this epic battle for supremacy. Jay Baruchel has grown a half-decent moustache by now, and the powers he holds over birds and rodents are only matched by his opponent, Xu Daoning! It turns out he was training him all along so that he could defeat him! The battle rages on for almost 3 full minutes before Jay Baruchel decides to use one of his "illegal" moves, thereby defeating his old master, etc etc.
Will cats enjoy this trilogy? I have yet to see a cat not take a swipe at the screen. Will your children like it? You have children and you're still going out whoring? You need to get your priorities straight, Veronica and Angela.
Hello all. Today is a twofer: in this entry we hate both "Name" and "Iris" by The Goo Goo Dolls.
Now, maybe right off the bat some of you might not recognize these two ditties by their title. But believe us, you've heard these songs before- and many times, my friends. If you've ever watched a movie starring Meg Ryan or Sandra Bullock or waited more than ten minutes at a dentist's waiting room, you've heard these bad boys. They're both pint glasses of warm, non-alcoholic beer served with a wedge of lime and an enormous turd as a stirrer. Oh, and with a girlie cocktail umbrella.
"Name" and "Iris" are perfect fodder for those Lite FM stations that offer a musical "pick me up" without getting too "rocky." You know, something to get your foot tapping without conjuring the "devil horns," because Janice two cubes over would be disturbed.
I don't know the names of the members in the Goo Goo Dolls, and I don't care enough to Wikipedia them. So let's just call them Jeff, Mark, and Ted. These three gentlemen were average rockers back in the day until some movie studio put one of their softer songs on a soundtrack. They watched that song shoot up the chart and decided to devote the rest of their career to manufacturing chick-flick songs just like that. "Name" and "Iris" were either one of those soundtrack songs or one of the songs that came after, but as I said, I AM NOT GOING TO WIKIPEDIA THEM.
"Name" is a frustratingly average song. It has swaying acoustic guitar riffs that almost kick in every once in a while, but instead of really rocking out, it just goes from a limp to a trot.
Lyrics: Scars are souvenirs you never lose The past is never far Did you lose yourself somewhere out there Did you get to be a star And don't it make you sad to know that life Is more than who we are
Fucking piss-pot. If lyrics like that don't make you want to go on a slapping spree at the local mall, I don't know what will.
Now, "Iris" is so menacingly awful one envies the deaf. Here again are the plodding acoustic guitar chords and a little touch of string orchestration, but then Mark starts howling the chorus:
I don't want the world to see me Cause I don't think that they'd understand When everything's made to be broken I just want you to know who I am
Click here to experience something worse than Fred Durst.
You can see why we decided to present both of these as a set. For the same reasons that National Lampoon's Van Wilder 2: The Rise of Taj can be seen bundled with National Lampoon's Boat Trip 2.
So today we retire both "Iris" and "Name" from ever slapping their limp dicks against our eardrums ever again. And we pass the baton of "shitty pussy soundtrack songmaker" over to Five For Fighting and The Fray. You found me...you found me...
