UAG

Figure 1.1- A Graph I Made

Click to enlarge, print, and display at your food cart

This Blog Was Brought To You With Limited Commercial Interruption By Domestic Uniform Rental, Featuring Scott Stapp

Well I just heard the news today
It seems my clothes will have to change
Something my size, to earn my pay
Then food service apparel streams down my face


With sleeves size 18
Under a catering tent
Aprons and serving trays
I'll serve you everything
With sleeves size 18
With sleeves size 18

Well I don't know if I'm ready
To be the chef I have to be
I'll need a beard net, to dice these chives
We stand in oil, we've created fries

With sleeves size 18

Under the catering tent
Chef hats that are so lightweight
I'll serve you everything

With sleeves size 18
With sleeves size 18

Twitter's Least Used Hash Tags, Week of October 1

Here are this week's most underused Twitter hash tags (feel free to use on your own Tweets):

#diarrhearules

#thesearscatalogfrom1985

#coldplaymakesmecry

#honorkillingstonight

#masturbatingwithacdspindle

#bostonmarketdelicious

#radaroreillyscock

#fingerholes

#pleasedontfollowme

#sexingupmybrother

#borscht

#scottstappfollower

#))<>((

EADJ Explains What's New About The Revised Catholic Mass Texts

Unless you've been a Catholic living under a rock or a non-Catholic, or a Catholic who hasn't attended church in a while which sounds like a whole lot of Catholics I know, you may have noticed that many of the words you've recited mindlessly by rote all your life in Mass have changed since November of last year.

"What's the dilly, yo?" you may ask your priest. The answer is that your Mass is still the same but features new translations of prayers from Latin to English. And since Eat A Dick Joel is your main source of spirituality, here now we highlight the most significant changes in your Mass text:

• "Our Father" now replaced with lyrics from the opening credits for "Land of the Lost"

• The Nicene Creed is now more Niceney.

• The Apostle's Creed is now required by law to be recited alongside a member from Creed (it doesn't have to be Scott Stapp).

• When the priest says "The Lord be with you," you can now say "Ditto."


• General Intercessions now include a common prayer for Katherine Heigl to stop making movies.

• For the first time ever, worshippers are allowed to enjoy a Snickers bar during the service.

• The Epiclesis is explained in better detail during the Anamnesis.

• The Recessional hymn is interrupted by a referee's whistle if anyone tries to leave their pew before the last verse.

Fortunately, the dress code in church has stayed the same:

Crime and Punishment.

You know what's more annoying than the fact that the titles of Grey's Anatomy episodes are popular song titles? When somebody 'borrows' something from your desk and doesn't tell you. I come back from a 4-hour lunch yesterday and LOOK. Something's missing from my desk! Where the flock is my tape dispenser?


One of the CD's on another account works across the hall from me. He's a lovely, marvelous guy, but I remembered him borrowing my stapler the other week and not returning it. So it was safe to assume he borrowed it? Yes. And not only that, but you can see in the background of the shot below, his EMPTY tape dispenser.


He also used enough of my tape to pretty much end the roll. So that's no good.


My punishment for him? I take back my tape dispenser and leave a CD of terrible music on his desk. Take that!

No, It's Not What You Think, Honest!

So I bought this cutter from Pearl for the big wedding invitation project. Pretty straightforward little thing. Not too expensive.



But then I got some weird looks taking it home on the subway. I wondered why. Then I looked down at my bag:



The words "PERSONAL TRIMMER" makes it look like I'm taking home this massive weed wacker for my pubes, I guess. At least it says 12 inches.

Wedding Tips: Second Engagement Edition!

Wedding Tips. Now less theoretical than ever.