UAG

Whattaya Say We Say Goodbye To Stuff Like Marketers Want Us To?

Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! *kiss* (figuratively) Goodbye!

UAG

A Short List of Things I Would Rather Hear Than Taylor Swift's "Bad Blood"

If you've been to a strip mall, Jamba Juice, or any other retail store, supermarket, or public space, it's safe to assume you've heard Taylor Swift's song "Bad Blood (ft. Kendrick Lamar)."

Now, Taylor Swift has had a remarkable batting average of below-average chart-topping hits, but this recent entry into her catalog happens to be the most irritating, nasal, repetitive piece of tautology this side of a Tourette's convention.

Click here if you hate yourself.

Having been in public places this summer, I've heard this song far too many times for my tastes. Here is a short (but not complete) list of things I would RATHER listen to than that song ever again:

• orphans weeping at a funeral
• squirrel rape
• Axl Rose doing squat thrusts
• Wolverine scratching a mile-long chalkboard
• the Budweiser Clydesdales all evacuating their bowels simultaneously
• Arnold Schwarzenegger doing a dramatic reading of "The Notebook"
• an airhorn blowing directly in my ear for an hour
• A 4-season marathon of every episode of "The View"
• the bloodcurdling screams from botched pig slaughters
• Donald Trump's Presidential acceptance speech
• anything by Y&T
• that audible "snap" heard when Joe Theismann got injured
• Lloyd's "the most annoying sound in the world" from "Dumb and Dumber," in a 24 hour loop
• donkeys braying in a round (like in Row Row Row Your Boat)
• Japanese people trying to pronounce "Lalaloopsy" or "Lululemon"
• someone farting into an empty nuclear reactor to create giant echoes
• "Shake It Off" by Taylor Swift

Toddler Chairs Were Depressed.

Toddler Chairs were depressed.

Window Fan was shocked.

Building Façade shed a tear.

Nightstand was scandalized.

Bathroom Railing Brackets exchanged a look.

Toy Lawnmower got drunk as hell.

Leather Chair stayed away from all the drama.

Child Bike Seat just stayed outside and enjoyed the nice weather.

"Swimming On The Meat Juice"

Below, a TripAdvisor review of Sir Walter Raleigh Restaurant, which is just down the road from my Mom and Dad's:

Can't tell if this writer was illiterate or was using English as a second language. And apparently the reviewer has never heard of "au jus." Either way, fantasticism!

Read the review here.

And this is impressive: if you Google search the phrase "swimming on the meat juice" in quotes, there is only ONE SEARCH RESULT.