Before There Was Daft Punk, There Was...

The EADJ Pun Cops: Paul Blart Edition

(Directed by Steve Carr)

Hey folks. Paul Blart, Mall Cop here. Just patrolling and canvassing the Burlington Mall from the Orange Julius to the JC Penney, making sure your retail experience is safe and drug-free.

What's that?! I hear a commotion over by Perfumania! To the Segway!

 

"Better latte than never." Well, that's not really a C48 violation, per se. More like just lazy writing- latte doesn't even rhyme with late. I'm letting them off with a stern warning…OUCH! I just stubbed my toe on this planter! Now my pants fell down!

Wait! I spot something over at the daycare center across the street!

Awww. "O-'fish'-ally." The quotes around the word "fish" really make this a darling, acceptable pun. And just look at the terrific colors on that display! I can't get mad at this… OWWWW! I just walked into a streetlamp! Now my pants fell down and I lost my gun!

Oh, look. Something over at the supermarket next door. Better investigate.

"Instore?" Is that even a pun? That's not even a real word! Stop & Shop needs to hire a proofreader. Either that or start hiring people with high school diplomas… GAAAHHHH! I just walked into a steak knife display, and now my intestines are pouring out, and my pants fell down! Hoo boy!

Onward.

Now THIS is a bad pun! Yes, finally! Uber, you are in clear violation of Mall Code 34.7. This is a terrible pun! I'm going to enjoy hauling you to the Mall Police Headqu… AAAAAHHHHH! I just slipped on a puddle of ice cream and landed head-first between an 80-year-old woman's boobs! And she's lactating! AAAAAAHHHHH! My pants fell down!

Sir, excuse me, sir? Do you mind coming with me? Where are you from? Appleton, Wisconsin? That's Green Bay Packer country, right? Well, that might explain your AWFUL SHIRT with a deplorable pun and an old reference from "The Office." Very fresh. I'm going to have to ask you to leave the ma…GAAAHHHHH! I just stepped into a vat of hot chili! Now I've scalded my legs up to my thigh, and my pants somehow fell down OUTSIDE of the vat of hot chili! Who put this vat of chili by the fountain, anyway? So unsafe.

Oh man. I think I'm going to hyperventilate. This is such an amazingly bad pun. Can't breathe. I'm going to have to lie down next to the edge of this railing hanging over the fireworks kiosk. That feels better. I can just lie here for a couple of minutes and… WHOOAAAAAAAAAHHH IIIIII'MMMMM FAAAAAALLLLLLIIIINNNGGGGG!!!!!!!

(Directed by Steve Carr)

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

Two giant confused pimps trash a city while hookers with waistlines the size of a toddler's wrist earn their daddies more twenties.

Dolla Boy demonstrates his namesake with cash pouring out of a refrigerated truck (not an armored truck) accompanied by a terrifying carnation arrangement in the shape of Joan Rivers.

So the rapper's name is Rocko. What is the laziest association we can make with something that's already well-known? Oh, and can we have a big ass hanging over a box of baking soda? That would be great. Sad cartoon turtle.

Remember to use spellcheck, DJ Pexclusivez, DJ Tazmania, and DJ Rell.

Where to begin? Uh, pass.

Nothing is more gangsta than a pensive Nicolas Cage movie about coming to terms with your place in the world.

An IM Convo With Patrick

No Conga Either

(pictured above, J'Net & I and the wedding DJ come to an understanding)

Manut Bol, Eat a Dick Jol

Joel was tearfully given a momento from the family of his former mentor Tianna: the angora rabbit's water bottle. Filled with the $200-a-bottle Bling gourmet bottled water, it was the last possession not auctioned off by Christie's this morning. Joel reportedly stayed dry-eyed until he saw that the nozzle was sort of phallic. He then slobbered and cried until he shat his cargo shorts. Tianna's former handlers were asked to clean him up.

Visionary German filmmaker Werner Herzog has shown interest in directing "DICK APPETIT: The Joel Thomas Story," a hot script which has made the rounds in recent weeks. Variety reports that Herzog would prefer to cast an unknown in the title role, saying that since Joel is pretty unknown already, he might as well jump in front of the camera. Whatever.

(pictured above, Peter K displays the new nickname Three 6 Mafia gave to him.