The Triumphant Return of Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster

Back in May, I attended a wedding at NYC and got properly shitrocked.

And whilst drunk, I had the presence of mind to write a few Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster entries. Here they are now, copied from my phone and unedited:

You show up at a ranch decided type place and then you decide that somehow the big gigantic lobster giant lobster thing is going to get you. Then you realize you’ve had the power to defeat it all along. And then you think hey, this is just like one of those things that makes it like lobster fest at red lobster at red lobster time stop.

You’re caught in pretty much a sling type hammock device but you realize that the only way to get out of it, is to order more lobster. And when you order more lobster, you realize that is so delicious, they don’t realize or care, they were in this type of position. That’s one way, to realize that you’re in the lobster fest at red lobster daikon pop

You wearing 24 silver skirt type vans types of shit so then you realize that just because it’s happening you don’t really know what you’re doing, what is this. You got it but then what is going on,? That’s when you realize, that hot legs in a short skirt is nothing match for lobster fest at red lobster.

UAG

25 Days of Hallmark Movies, Day 7: "The Sons of Mistletoe"

After yesterday's intolerable parade of rich white people problems, I decided to do something different than the standard boy-meets-girl romance bullshit. "The Sons of Mistletoe" is the standard learning-the-meaning-of-Christmas bullshit instead. 

A foster home for boys is in danger of being closed when its benefactor dies, and the mentor to the boys must convince the benefactor's daughter not to sell the property for condos. Or the Fox News translation: A government moocher begs a job creator to sacrifice her potential profits to selfishly provide for himself and a handful of ungrateful youth who are already a strain on the welfare system.

 

Romance Factor: 3 out of 10

Christmas Cheer: 7 out of 10

Overall Rating: 5 out of 10

Time Until First Kiss: 01:29:09

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

Yes, but where is the long form certificate, Boaz?!

I don't have much to say about this one except it better fucking rhyme.

"Drillary Clinton?" On blue lipsticks? Even if you had an explanation handy, I wouldn't want to hear it.

Look, someone took one of those faxes that old people used to send each other to hang on their office walls (like that frog choking the crane trying to eat him: "NEVER GIVE UP") and turned it into a mixtape cover.

I dunno. Any Teen Wolf loses cred with me the moment he starts drinking "purp."

"I am a beautiful flower and I do not give a fuck."

Xanax giving the middle finger. Jax Briggs and Raiden from Mortal Combat. Intoxicated cartoon stars. No change on this one. 10++

WHY TRY IF KANYE DOESN'T

One thing the Maryland DMV really hates- people who burn the popcorn in the break room microwave.

SkippA dA FlippA is tellin yA he's not good with his Rs.

That time we got bored and sat on miniature shit.

I hear that wooden plank spits some serious bars.

Either this guy is stuck in a Hype Williams video from the 90s or he's looking forward to "Rogue One: A Star Wars Story."