Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Pathmark by Robert Frost

The EADJ Pun Police: Riot Cop Edition

Hoo boy. They're a lot of them out there, Chad. We better stand shoulder to shoulder like Capt. Wilson said we should. Man, there's a lot of them. Here they come.

'"Once A Pawn A Time?' Whoa, pretty bad. But harmless, really. That horse looks like it's blowing the king, though. Back behind the barricades, please."

"'The steaks have been raised.' That doesn't make any sense. Pretty lazy copywriting there. Come here, you!"

*Body checks with riot shield, sprays with mace*

"I don't know if you can read this past your riot helmet, but it says 'BEETS DON'T KALE MY VIBE.' That is OUT OF LINE, mister!"

*Hurls canister of tear gas into the middle, mounts a horse*

"Oh man. Really?"

*Shoot dead*

"Oh my God. There are too many of them. THERE ARE TOO MANY OF THEM!!!! Back the line up! We're losing the line in the crowd! Holy shit, push them back! PUSH THEM BACK!!! They've taken the horses! Those fences are useless! Oh God, they're taking down the telephone poles! RETREAT! Throw everything you got at them, but pull back, goddammit, PULL BACK! Where's my radio? Duncan, use your radio to... OH GOD, DUNCAN! So many... HOLD THE LINE ON THE LEFT, IF YOU CAN!!!! MAKE A... They're throwing bottles now! Shields! Oh God oh God oh God..."

UAG

Literate Book Corner: The New Saint Joseph Baltimore Catechism, Published 1964

Like I mentioned before, there's a free used book rack at my New Jersey train station, and while I mainly dump off books I've read there, sometimes there are titles that catch my attention that I'm compelled to share.

This one is terrific. It's a New Saint Joseph Baltimore Catechism handbook from 1965. And while it's filled with the requisite Bible readings, "study helps" (??????), and Mass prayers, they've gone the extra mile to include illustrations of children saying things that children WOULD NEVER SAY:

I showed it to my wife and she said, "That's propaganda." If I were a kid and heard another kid say anything like that, I would think, This guy is either an adult pretending to be a kid or a fucking narc.

This book frames the lessons of the Bible in terms that children can understand- like honoring your father and mother by obeying their request to do chores- but a lot of these other scenarios are examples of being nice rather avoiding sin. 

Sure, it can be all interpretation of Scripture that being nice is being holy (pretty loosey-goosey, if you ask me), but why try so hard to make children feel guilty about being children? Why instill children with such a deep sense of guilt so early in their lives... oh, yeah. Catholicism.

EADJ Pun Police

What's all this here then? I'm patrolling the streets for that most heinous, most egregious of misdemeanors, the bloody pun. And let me tell you, guv'nor, this job is not for you sensitive nancies. Wot?


Oh, bugger. That's a terrible one, eh? Dwayne Johnson himself falling victim to an easy play on words, wot? Oy, come back here! Don't you run from me! Stop!


"Peelin' lucky?" Because you bloody peel the game pieces off to play the dodgy McDonald's sweepstakes thingy? Terrible, Mr. Monopoly. I'm going to have to write you a citation for...wait! You can't run from me, you hear? Come back here! *blows whistle*


Not so much a 'groaner' as it is just limp and tired. Not even worth my time, really. Carry on, luv.


Augh! That one really burned me in me front bits! Awful, just awful! Must beat it back with me bobby stick! Hey, come back here! You are running away from me right now!


What a load of codswallop. That's not even how you really pronounce 'phuket,' so you can't really count that one as a pun. Not in the traditional sense.


Ghastly! Two awful bloody puns in the same place! *blows whistle* Come back here! There's no excuse for "Britney Spares!" It doesn't even make sense! Stop! Police!

Go Go Go, Anti-Pun Force X!

"Hurry Red X, Blue X, and Green X, we waste no time to go!"
"Roger that, Black X! Must hurry to fight! ASSEMBLE TEAM!"
"ASSEMBLE TOGETHER!"
"ALL MEMBERS FIGHT PUNS GO NOW!"

(Anti-Pun Force X Theme Song)
They span the globe, Anti-Pun Force X!
They find the puns, Anti-Pun Force X!
They will rescue you, Anti-Pun Force X!
Until they won't stop, Anti-Pun Force X!


"Black X, Pink X here. I have identified a vintage LP record title!"
"Scanning... Stand down, Pink X. The pun is mild and not dangerous enough to pose a threat. Rejoin formation!"


"Gold X here. I have received three transmissions from a Larry K via cell phone camera. The three images are a little blurry, but I see pun activity underground!"




"Those are pretty awful, Gold X! It looks like part of some larger campaign of puns! Deploy underground anti-pun missile ordnance rockets!"
"Deploying!"
"Pink X here! I have detected my own transmission from a Beth Stone in the same city!"


"'Make her thorny?!' Why, the entire city is under siege! Prepare the robo-lasers and superthrust sensor mines! Scatter throughout the city and report back!"
"Ho!"
"Ho!"
"Ho!"


"There are so many ads, Black X! So many to resist! My thrusters are overheating, must eject from my mech before meltdown!"
"That is a negative, Mauve X! Stay on target and take each target down!"


"Backup systems are failing! Switching to manual override!"
"Do NOT abandon your posts!"


"Most of the city is under control now, Black X!"
"Good work, Periwinkle X! You and Burnt Umber X join me when you're done. I've got a special Internet mission for us!"
"On our way, sir!"


"'BarackBerry.' These Internet headline puns are terrible, sir!"
"That's right. It's because the writers think just because they don't make it in print, that they can disperse these terrible puns without consequence."
"LOOK OUT, SIR!"


"Holy sparklers, Periwinkle X. I dodged that terrible pun in the nick of time. My armor has been compromised. You and Burnt Umber X report back to base, I'll take care of this one myself..."

TO BE CONTINUED....?

(Anti-Pun Force X Theme Song)

Celebrity Spotting

Spotted at JFK Airport: Papa Smurf!






Or since it was a flight to Miami, Papi Smurf?