Showing posts with label granite countertops. Show all posts
Showing posts with label granite countertops. Show all posts

Monday, June 17, 2024

A Message From The Lettuce In Your Salad


Hey. I know you're about to enjoy this salad that I'm in, but I just wanted to get this out before you start:

You can't escape me. 

I mean it. You can't avoid me. You can add shredded chicken, cheese, cherry tomatoes, croutons... whatever, I don't care. Knock yourself out. But you can't get away from lettuce. I AM THE SALAD.

You can drench me in dressing. You can sprinkle bacon bits. You can even throw a hard boiled egg in there, I don't give a shit. All that extra stuff will be happily devoured by you, but you will still be facing ME when it's over. I'll be seeing you.


Hahahahaha look at me at the bottom of the bowl! I told you! I AM INEVITABLE.

Friday, November 27, 2009

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto On How To Bale Hay



Hay is a staple food for livestock during the winter months. Learning how to bale hay requires patience. With today's big hay balers, it's a much easier task. However, the farmer is still dependent on the weather and growing conditions to bale hay that has a high nutritional value for his animals. First, check the condition of the grass. If the grass is at its peak, mow the hay. Let it cure. How long this takes depends on how heavy the grass is and what the weather conditions are. Next, you rake the hay. Depending on the hay rake used, you may have a windrow that is one row of grass. Or it may be two rows of grass folded together.

The next step is to prepare the baler. Grease all the machinery according to the manufacturer's directions. Check all the belts for proper tightness. Load the net wrap or baler twine. Prepare the hay in the windrow. It should have a crisp feel and there should be no wet clumps of hay. Proceed down the windrow with the hay baler attached to the back of the tractor. Straddle the windrow to feed the hay into the intake chamber. You may need to weave back and forth to get the hay to feed into the baler in an even manner.

Watch the indicator lights and the baler. When the bale chamber is full, either tie the bale or wrap it in net wrap. Back the baler up slightly from the windrow, open the baler and drop the bale of hay on the ground. Bale the rest of the field. If the hay clogs in the baler, use the safety chocks. Open the baler and untangle the hay. Remove the safety chocks, and continue baling the hay.

And speaking of hay, if you ever hire my town car service to pick you up from a county fair or any birthday party with ponies, do me a solid and stomp on the ground before getting in the car. That would really make my job a lot more pleasant. Thanks.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Who Needs Axe?

Spotted in a discount store in Irvington, NJ: a rack of excellently titled scents.

Click to engorge...er, enlarge.


In addition to the Chanel No. 5 and Polo Black knockoffs ("Parise Hilton Type"), I was delighted to find other original titles: "Black Women," "Tupac," and "Sex On the Beach."


I did notice that the more explicit fragrances, e.g. "Lick Me All Over," "Eat It Raw" and "Butt Naked" were all sold out.


Let's just hope they had money left over for condoms. Or just one that they could reuse.