Celebrities: They're Not Like Us At All!

The Newest Added Perks For AMC Stubs Members

Movie theatre juggernaut AMC has a rewards program called Stubs that many in the industry are calling "the best fucking goddamn rewards program ever". Here are the latest additions to the ever-growing loyalty program:

• Hot towels for everyone who says they're with you

• Unlimited use of the lemur costume

• Unlimited free nachos refill any time from 3:52pm to 3:53pm

• We'll cover for you if you cheat on your spouse here

• Special air conditioning vent directed toward your crotch

• Exclusive concession only for Stubs members: ONE GIANT RAISINET instead of a bunch of little ones

Spotted Recently

That poor third kid.

Kickstarter's Funded and Failed Projects, 2021

The following Kickstarter campaigns were the most successful crowdfunding campaigns of 2021:

• GUUS: the cell phone for geese

• Reshoes: shoes made from recycled shoes

• Yeatstinguisher: a one-of-a-kind extinguisher that puts out fires with the poetry of William Butler Yeats

• Teeny-beerer: whimsical working party keg for teenagers

• Kickstarter Scam: the Board Game- simulates you screwing people over with bogus Kickstarter campaigns

The following Kickstarter campaigns were the least successful crowdfunding campaigns of 2021:

• The Asimov Foundation: sci-fi makeup that makes your skin resemble that of the legendary Isaac Asimov

• Cumbucha

• Leafbeaters: vegan tank tops

• Hipster money clip #4,833,928

• Remote controlled toupee

Things You Can Expect A Guy With a Giraffe Guitar To Say To You

"I see you've noticed my giraffe guitar. Do you like music?"

"No, this wasn't made from a real giraffe. What am I, a monster?"

"When I play live, I'm on the elephant guitar, but I prefer to practice on this."

"Wanna go back to my place and share a grape juice box?"

"I wrote this song when I was really bored in line with my Mom at the bank."

"I'm headlining at Coachella next year."

"Please don't request 'Old McDonald Had A Farm.' I get that all the time."

"I really love the sharp, bright acoustic sound of the Fisher-Price, but when I want bassier, clean tones with more pickup configuration and a tremolo bridge with wild string-bending action, I can't go wrong with the VTech Zoo Jamz." 

"I wanted to finish playing this four-part arrangement for you, but I just went boom-boom in my pants."

BOOM.

The more I stood in line, the more I realized I should be eating a salad instead of a cheese dog.




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Rule Of Thumb

When the only thing holding you back from drinking an actual bucket of Coke is the size of your car cupholders, you're drinking too much Coke, fat boy.

Yeeks.

So recently on Facebook, I friended a former classmate from high school, and 99.99% of her profile photos are this:


And not just pictures of Betty Boop, but very sexualized pictures of Betty Boop.


If you're wondering if this person really resembles a super-leggy Playboy model with a head as large as a beer cooler, you're wrong. She's fat.

Crumpled, Fat, Hispanic Vince

Or just crumpled, Hispanic David Estoye.

Death, Taxes, and Pathmark

I used to love doing this bit. Then I grew tired of it. Then I quit doing it. Then I reluctantly started doing the bit again. Now I love it again. It's so... comforting.

The EADJ Crappinema Presents Sol Goode

You know what the worst kind of "bad" movie is? The kind that isn't so bad that you can revel in its awfulness. The kind of lazily competent film that avoids camp and kitsch but never aspires to becoming anything memorable. "Sol Goode" is that kind of "bad" movie: a frustratingly terrible film that simply goes through the motions and never surprises you.

Well, maybe the only surprise in this whole schmear is that so many fairly famous stars had nothing else to do those few weeks of shooting.









































The following 2 minute clip pretty much tells you all you need to know about this movie and its comedic stylings:






















I'm guessing they were going for "Swingers" meets "When Harry Met Sally." And they ended up with "punch in the mouth" meets "scabies."

Overall grade: F