IM Fun

My cousin Melissa tells me the story of how my Mom decided on her house:

The ProofrEADJer: Almost Thanksgiving Edition

And one from my cousin Melissa:

25 Days of Hallmark Movies: An Exclusive EADJ Month-Long Event

EADJ is proud to announce 25 DAYS OF HALLMARK MOVIES. The Hallmark Channel has shat out so many sappy Christmas movies in the last few years, that we would be remiss to watch a good portion of this quality programming and give our two cents.

So this is ambitious: On EVERY day leading up to Christmas, we will be watching and reviewing a cheesy Christmas movie, starting with Lifetime's recent "A Very Merry Toy Store" starring Melissa Joan Hart and Mario Lopez:

Two rival toy shop owners reluctantly join forces when an unscrupulous toy magnate opens a box store in their town.

We will judge all movies by 1) cinematic merit and 2) Christmas-y cheer.

Happy Holidays, EADJ readers! Who needs sleep, anyway?

This Week On Lifetime's Original Series "Walkway To Parking," Starring Melissa Joan Hart

Things are ratcheted up a notch in Donna Park's (Melissa Joan Hart) world: rival bad-girl shopper Kate Don V (played by Kat Von D) discovers the secret walkway to parking and threatens to disclose its location on her podcast unless Park gives her all the Jamba Juice sandwich punch cards in her glove compartment. Add a mysterious fake rape whistle vendor, an imminent tornado, and a mild outbreak of meningitis and you've got yourself almost a full hour of nailbiting Lifetime-style drama. Brought to you with limited commercial interruption by Jamba Juice and the French.

On The Next "Walkway To Parking," An Original Series On Lifetime

Coming July 14 on Lifetime: the most important episode of "Walkway To Parking," starring Melissa Joan Hart that you will see this year. In the season finale, titled "Forget We Met," alliances will be forged. Family secrets will be uncovered.  And four of the five major characters will die in horrible, very graphic detail.

Studio execs and television critics have been given a sneak peak at this game-changing episode, which was directed by "One Life To Live" helmer Jill Ackles, and rave reviews have hit the press already.

"My sweet God, Melissa Joan Hart was so brave to show her tits in that courtroom scene!" - Variety

"Sharon Stone shines as Aunt Hildy in a Daytime Emmy-worthy career-defining performance! Wait, this will air at night, so it's not eligible for a Daytime Emmy? Okay, never mind." - Soap Opera Digest

"I didn't understand a line of dialogue in this episode. But that's mainly because I'm Portuguese and don't speak a word of English. I mean that literally." - Honcho Magazine (Portuguese Edition)

What is it about this television show that compels people to watch it a second time? Is it Melissa Joan Hart's staggering range of emotion in her acting confused? Is it the beautiful Southern village sets? Is it the fact that it airs opposite "Minute To Win It," that idiotic show where people have to hip-check a ping pong ball into a goddamned cup? Whatever the reason, Lifetime is certainly enjoying the spike in ratings, and they are betting big on the July 14 episode, charging advertisers up to $180,000 per 30 second commercial.

"Walkway To Parking" airs on Lifetime 8pm 7 central and is rated TVMA for wincing, terrible fake Southern accents, and buckets of unnecessary gore.

CRAWLSPACE!!!!

My cousin Melissa and I were cleaning the basement in my house, and we found a CRAWLSPACE near the bathroom! Inside we found a bunch of treasures that were left by the previous owner, who you might remember left a ton of crap in the yard and an upstairs closet.

I let Melissa go in first, in case there were mummies or waterfalls like in "The Goonies."



The crawlspace had low head clearance (thus the name) and we found a shitty brass lamp, an unknown bracket, and what looked like a dusty tennis racket case.


We found an ancient mystical box that was labeled "Killauni."


No magical amulets or idols inside, though.


Although if the previous owner's motorcycle GPS goes haywire, he's screwed.


We found a perfectly good desk fan, which I gave to Melissa.


Then we found THIS:


Friggin' JACKPOT. A rusty fucking sword! This IS the Goonies!! We also spotted an unattractive flower vase and ignored it.


We cracked open the tennis racket case to see what was really in there.


It was a camping cot. Was someone actually sleeping in this crawlspace? Did this used to be some kind of sex dungeon? Was "Killauni" involved?


We also found a cassette tape, the contents of which I hope to digitize and post on this blog later. But after that whole abandoned film fiasco, let's not get our hopes up too much.


But even if it turns out to be a blank tape that was inexplicably left played in the middle, we'll always have THIS:


Lost Boys!!!!!

2 Cousins, 1 Played Out Internet Meme

My cousin Kimberly (Mel's sis) takes a gander at 2G1C. And the second time around isn't much better for Melissa.



You'll notice Kim was relatively unfazed by 2G1C. But what did shock her was "Shake That Bear."

Reaction-O-Rama, The Next Generation

Having corrupted both our parents with 2 Girls 1 Cup, Jay decides that our cousin Melissa needs to see it, too.