Two Obscure Movies I Haven't Seen That Are Probably About The Lead Actor's Cock

Movie: Crystal Inferno

Starring: Claire Forlani (Clerks) and Jamie Bamber (Battlestar Galactica)

What's Up With The Lead Actor's Cock: It's burning at the bottom. Probably from some sort of sexually transmitted disease like chlamydia or gonorrhea, but could also be a bacterial infection.

Next Steps: Claire should probably get tested for STDs. Jamie should visit a clinic and put some cream on it.

Movie: Flashburn

Starring: Sean Patrick Flanery (KAW!) and Cameron Richardson (huh?)

What's Up With The Lead Actor's Cock: It too is burning, but with a FLASH! Possibly from foreign bioluminescent material or a leaky glow stick.

Next Steps: Cameron should check her body for glowy parts and get tested for STDs ASAP TCBY. Sean should sit in a bath of warm molasses just to be safe.

UAG

Spotted On The Highway

A health brochure from the local free clinic passes me on the parkway.

Let's Turn Up The Hose Pressure Of The EADJ Mail Sack!

This from Emily Kane via MMS:

"Please blog about this amazing watch hat."

I have now blogged about this amazing watch hat.

Ew.

Pictured above, an ad for herpes.

The Day I Found VD in My Salad.

It's not every day you manage to spot a social disease in your lunch.



See it? VD!



Holy Mother of Goldschlager. Pewter Bear. You're back.


Yeah, yeah, yeah. We didn't ask you what you've been up to. We just commented that you were back. Like we haven't been missing you. At all.


That's right. Pukefucker. Let it soak into your thick, hateable pewter skull. We don't like you here. Hell, nobody ANYWHERE likes you, Pewter Bear. You're a miserable, kickable, douchetastic explosion of detestable mule droppings on a piss cart.


Hmm. True.