Memorable Lines From Movies I Haven't Seen

"Where is that vase... Ah, screw it. Never mind."

"Oh no! It's right over there but the budget dictates that it's invisible! And now there are three of them!"

"So what did you do this weekend?"

"Not much."

"Hey! Which one of you jurors pooped in the juror box?!"

"They're getting away with the treasure! Let's go!"

"No, I have to get dressed!"

"THERE'S NO TIME FOR THAT. LET'S GO."

Comic Strip Where The Last Panel Is Always A Remote Oil Rig

6 Lies Told By The San Francisco Ripley's Believe It Or Not Museum Brochure

1) The dance room isn't actually interactive. The stupid lights will blink and flash whether you dance or not. A ripoff, really.

2) Not the weirdest place on the Wharf. The weirdest place on the Wharf is actually a section of sidewalk where some guy hiding as a bush scares the shit out of tourists and then asks for change.

3) "Tattoos cover 95% of my body!" Not true. I dated her, and it's a mere 93%. I measured it.

4) "Made entirely of CAR PARTS." False. There are clearly minivan, delivery truck, and hybrid crossover parts in there.

5) Times up. You're too old to breakdance.

6) "Odditorium, San Francisco." Redundant.

---------------------------------------

Bath & Body Works and Six Lies LLC are proud to announce the official 6 Lies Told aloe vera facial youth cream, now available in all Bath & Body Works locations, except Idaho. Restore firmness, heal sun damage, increase hydration, erase wrinkles, smooth texture, nourish at the dermal layer, minimize irritation, increase skin brightness and even out skin tone. Everything that you ever wanted in an anti aging wrinkle treatment daily moisture product has been added at maximum percentage for guaranteed potency, purity, efficacy, and profound results. And that's no "lie!"

A Few More Unused, Terrible Porn Names

Okay, so you've run away from home, quit your job at Qdoba, packed two tank tops and a tube of toothpaste in a gym bag and jumped on a Greyhound to the Valley to make it big as an adult film star. But you forgot two important things: your dental dam and a marketable PORNSTAR NAME!

Well, we at EADJ are here to provide you with a name you can be proud of as you either ejaculate on a stranger or have a stranger ejaculate on you. Here are two helpful lists (hers and his) that you can consider for your next big break in the biz:

HER:

Urethra Franklin (courtesy of Emily Kane)

Ureter Moreno

Sarah Draftinhere

Tits Romney

Pisstina Applegape

Humpkin Spice Twattay

Anna Tomicallycorrect

Phyllis Holerighthere

Alluva Cox

Lilly Hammered

Betty Cumsfirst

HIM:

Junk Dilla

Tucker Boner

Jack Kinghoff Yurdad

Takina Dumpf

Insurance Claude

Jean-Michele Scrota

Pvt. Partz

Phil Anderer

Otto Correct

Bruce D. Ego

Reck Tal

Darius Fucker

The One Where Emily Vents About Her Least Favorite Words.

Here once again is the new EADJ segment "Emily VENTS," where Emily Kane seethes about stuff she doesn't like.

They're not overused, they're not slang (old or new), they're not consistently used incorrectly and they're not pretentious in any way.  I just hate them.


Helping.

As a verb, all good. As a noun, however: “May I have another helping of tuna noodle casserole?”

No. A helping can never be a dignified piece of chicken or a serving of cous cous. It’s a depressing,  warming-tray offering from your local hospital cafeteria that is either clearly out of a can or altogether unidentifiable. It’s the oily casserole dish that your grandmother serves in her doily-covered dining room when she “means well.” Problem is, the kid that says this actually means it.

Forever alone.

Dumpster.

The sad, fat, stunted younger sister of the illustrious Spinster.  Can be found lurking in the comfort shoe section at Dress Barn.  Approach with caution.

God told me I deserve supportive footwear.

Napkin.

MOM: “Put your napkin in your lapkin!”

ME: halfway out the driveway already

You’re doing it wrong.

Ointment.

“Oink” + “cunt” + greasy, thick oil = I will punch your mouth in the face if you suggest I use anything other than cream on my ringworm. 

Here comes the lipstick…

Bulbous. (not a Pokemon character)

Brings to mind nut sacks, goiters, nose warts, cauliflower ear and the Elephant Man.  Mmmmm.

When your goiter is perkier than your tits.

Yolk.  

That soft, subtle, shitty “l.” It’s like you tried to say yuck while your banana and egg yolk milkshake was still clogging your throat.  Choke on that, folk.

Err on the side of caution.

Bulge.

I’m suddenly assisting the whole cast of The Outsiders in rolling their jeans.

This Rob Lowe has cable.

Cheese Cloth.

Left on the cutting room floor alongside “urine sack hammock” in the “transvaginal mesh” brainstorm.  Shredded. 

Your gauze is showing.

Slacks.

Your grandpa called.  He needs you to help him slide these on his pasty, hairy legs.  Don’t you forget to tuck in those yellowing, oversized boxers, now.  (Careful with that elastic.  It’s about to pop at any moment.)

“Pappy needs a foot massage, dear.”

The preceding piece was written and compiled entirely by Emily Kane. Comments and complaints can be sent to: ekane@eadj.tv or posted as comments to this entry.

UAG

Cock, Part 2

I took a quick trip to CVS to pick up the FAIL film. It must be noted that this has officially turned into a bonafide quest, since hardly anyone develops real film anymore, much less some craptastic obscure gimmick film from the 90's.

This time they spelled "Scott" right. I also love the option "Kodak Certified Technician must speak to customer." I think that's for notifying the FBI or Child Protective Services.


Advantix. I think the last time anyone developed any Kodak Advantix film was at a "Saved By the Bell" wrap party from Season 1. And you can bet Mr. Belding was in those party shots. Tits.


"We don't process this kind of films."

SUBMITTED!

On my lunch break, I took the film I found in one of the cameras (from the previous blog entry) to CVS for developing.



She said the film would be ready tomorrow at noon. I left my real phone number, but in case the photos turned out to be fucking bizarro or highly illegal, I left an alias:

Everybody's Going Green

In response to new U.S. efforts to reshape energy habits, individuals around the world have pledged to be more environmentally conscious. Among these:


Bill O'Reilly has vowed to be half the overheated gasbag that he is.

Michael Knight will walk more.

Las Vegas has announced turning the lights off in casinos that aren't winning big.

Amy Winehouse has stopped using tampons altogether.

"Weird Al" Yankovic will switch to using biofuels, making him almost 30% less weird.

The 1954 Penguins song "Earth Angel" will be played in a loop on the loudspeaker at Nascar events.

Optimus Prime will transform into a truck only when absolutely necessary.

Pornstar Jenna Jameson will recycle more. No, that's not a dirty double entendre. She will actually separate her trash from her recyclables. You guys need to grow up.

Africa will use its light bulb less.

Dane Cook and Carlos Mencia will steal only earth-friendly material from other comedians.

Demolition derbies are now just guys in helmets shoving each other.

The Applebee's waitstaff will be way less enthusiastic about your birthday.

Fiji bottled water will continue to ship their overpriced water in huge plastic bottles across thousands of miles, but they will advertise more about how they've told their truck drivers not to use so many paper napkins during lunch breaks.

Kinko's is working on paperless ways to spectacularly fuck up your copies.

Douchebags on jet skis have offered to paddle more.

M. Night Shyamalan is working on a movie starring Mark Wahlberg that conveys a message about our impact on the planet, but in a thought-provoking, suspenseful, and altogether unforgettable way.

Taco Bell announced its new Recycled Cloth Soft Taco.

The AOL start page now reroutes visitors directly to porn sites.

Never has dick been eaten so Joelly.

Joel was nice enough to lend us a notebook with some screenplays he was working on. The following excerpts are from a recent foray into science fiction:

The year is 2056. Fashionistas have taken over the government. Police in wool pleated cuff trousers and very smart maroon jackets with darts along the sides are rounding up all the unfashionable and shipping them to work camps and sweat shops. Vigilante supermodels, led by Vigilanté, are destroying all food supplies to make the world "slimmer so clothing can hang from them more flatteringly." One chubby man in sweatpants and a Nascar t-shirt hides in a bunker, biding his time...

A crack team of renegade commandos from the future go back in time to present day. Their mission– to warn the world about an upcoming onslaught of cataclysmic proportions. But due to limitations in their technology, they can only warn people through the only means available– through thank you messages embedded in Applebee's dining receipts.

It is a time of great peril. The Earth has been overrun by flying mongoose chimp midget donkey puggles. Not that the flying mongoose chimp midget donkey puggles are of any immediate threat– they're just so darn many of them that it's choking the intakes of every hoverplane in the atmosphere, causing crashes everywhere. And the main problem being that the pilots have milliseconds to warn their co-pilots, "Look out for those flying mongoose chimp midget donkey puggles!"

April 14, 3049: Pizza Hut has successfully vanquished the pagan hordes of Domino's Pizza. Piles of corpses of Domino's delivery men rot before the supreme Red Roof, their Ford Festivas rusting in the uncaring sun. Huge Noid statues topple as the triumphant Hut-men hand-toss their new Blood-of-the-Conquered-Lover's Pizza. Crazy garlic bread sticks are dipped in cavatini-red blood in the parking lot as a lascivious feast for those who have prevailed...

An alternate universe: women have finally become equal to men. They, uh, make as much money as men ha ha ha and they ha ha ha even hold ha ha ha the same positions in government ha ha ha and in business HA HA HA HA ha ha HA HA HA. It's a comedy!

(pictured above, remnants from a bloody Donkey Kong gang war on Damen Avenue)