This Week's Asshole

Spotted at a steak house in Jersey, some classy lady wears her fur coat to the salad bar, shedding mink (maybe dog) hair all over the cucumbers, lettuce and cherry tomatoes.

Rub One Out.

As a connoisseur and enthusiast of the art of frottage, Joel has found it frustrating to live in L.A., where few people take mass transit. He has, however, found that he can rub his crotch against people in dense gatherings like sporting events or conventions- the most recent being a comic book convention in San Diego.

Joel and his chimp servant Chad Yarboro (note the new spelling) dressed like The Falcon & Dyno-Mutt, respectively, to the 2008 Comic-Con. Once inside, Joel cleared his codpiece and began to happily rut against convention-goers almost to the point of climax.

I say "almost" because convention security– especially primed to detect sexual deviance since Furries had started attending– cracked down on the frottage immediately and tossed Joel out posthaste. The chimp servant, however, was not involved and was allowed to stay for the duration. So while Joel sat outside and ate stale parking lot dick, Chad Yarboro hobnobbed with Battlestar Galactica stars Tricia Helfer, Grace Park, and Kandyse McClure. Hot stuff!

(pictured above, a Karate mural artist in Brooklyn is either lazy or racist)

Use It Or Lose It

7 Terrible Substances To Masturbate With:

1) Cayenne Pepper Sauce with Capers

2) Lava Soap

3) Liquid Nitrogen

4) The tears of a martyr's widow

5) Ironically, that shampoo that makes you cum

6) A mixture of wood shavings, ball bearings and guacamole

7) Piping hot oatmeal

(pictured above, the Hater's Ball is apparently right off the 4 & 5 express lines this year)

A Terrible Day For Typography.

The following account is true.

Sunday, August 12, 2007
--------------
What started out as a pleasant Sunday turned into a constant onslaught of offensive typefacery. I had been to L.A. and New York in the last month and hadn't seen so much as a curlzy comma. But in one day in Chicago, I done seen my share fo' the rest of my life, child.

Reaffirming Our Mission Statement

There have been rumblings in the EADJ Mail Sack about this blog's alleged recent lack of focus. One writer says, "Who gives a shit about some dude that looks like someone else who works here?" Another emailer grouses, "What is your problem? Why don't you leave those poor (planners) alone?"

Well, Brad and Ranee, EADJ admits that we've diversified our coverage. We've found other things to harp on and point out and drive into the fucking ground because it would probably make Lee Gonzales mad (which then renders it funny). But first and foremost, Eat a Dick Joel prides itself as the ONLY BLOG devoted to covering the dick-eating hijinx, shenanigans and madcap dick-consuming misadventures that Joel gets himself into. We think we've covered Joel's dick eating career pretty extensively so far- the 3 Hearst Journalism Awards on the mantel agree. So it's no big deal if we choose to add new features like "In the Nude with Joe Nudelman" or the Suzemily Players or "What Makes Louis Slotkin Flinch?" Not only does it add diversity to our extensive coverage, it brings in a new audience, like Furries or sufferers of lupus.

So we think we've been doing a pretty darn tootin' good job so far. You haters can hate, and you Joel- yes- you, Joel can eat a dick. So say we all.

(pictured above, The Glitter Band from 1978 Sweden seem to think so, too.)