Upcoming InfoWars Conspiracy Stories

Alex Jones continues to push his writers to come up with the batshit craziest conspiracy lunacy to inject into public discourse. Here are the latest conspiracies that he will inject into his upcoming shows:

• Starbucks are communist collectives designed to poison capitalist workers with overpriced caffeine to make them TOO productive.

• People who work at aquariums around the country are all Mormon socialists, planning to marry all the dolphins and spread the fish/wealth

• Grimace is actually a large virulent fungus engineered by McDonald's to devour all uneaten burgers in parking lots

• Public librarians have been trained by the Mossad to assassinate anyone who defaces children's books about Hanukkah

• Soul legend Ray Charles was a foreign operative, and his song "Georgia On My Mind" was about the Georgian Soviet Socialist Republic that he missed so much

The Answers To Yesterday's Which Can, Cleric's Bun

Did you get them all?

Some Hollywood Movie Ideas Based On The Name of a Marriott Residence Meeting Room in Deptford, NJ

Movie studios are running out of ideas fast. So they are resorting to desperate measures, like starting entire movie franchises on matchbook covers and Dixie cup riddles. This time, four major studios are in a violent bidding war to release a film with the title "Breakfast Overflow." Here are their pitches:

Sony Pictures: "Breakfast Overflow" starring Michelle Monaghan and Josh Gad. An unsuspecting newlywed couple finds a supernatural toaster at a flea market and find themselves surrounded by an endless supply of delicious breakfast foods. This puts a strain on their marriage and even causes them to reconsider getting another dog. Directed by Anna Foerster (Underworld: Blood Wars).

Universal Pictures: "Breakfast Overflow" directed by Eli Roth. This self-aware grindhouse horror flick portrays a boyfriend and girlfriend (Joshua Jackson and Zoe Saldana) who get lost while hiking in the backwoods of the Deep South. They're captured by a cult run out of a converted IHOP restaurant and are forced to try all 67 signature plates in one sitting. Special gore effects by master Shane Mahan.

Disney/Pixar Studios: "Breakfast Overflow" directed by Brad Bird. A lonely English muffin (voiced by Kaya Scodelario) left on the shelf of a Costco finds friendship, heartbreak and love with the help of a sausage (John Ratzenberger), a grapefruit (Danai Gurira), two eggs (Simon Pegg and Jane Horrocks) and a Belgian waffle (Jean Claude Van Damme). Soundtrack by Randy Newman.

Warner Brothers Studios: "Breakfast Overflow" directed by Brad Peyton. A factory that produces microwave breakfast foods gets overtaken by corporate terrorists (Robert Patrick, Adam Driver and Jamie Hector), and it's up to one security guard (Dwayne Johnson) to grab a spatula and take them all over easy. Also starring Jacob Tremblay as a kid lost during a tour and Elizabeth Gillies as the receptionist-cum-munitions expert.

25 Days of Hallmark Movies: Day 6: "A Christmas Detour" Starring Candace Cameron Bure and Paul Greene

Krampus is a terrifying holiday demon from ancient European folklore who punishes children who've misbehaved and sometimes even kidnaps and tortures them. And I believe a visit from him would've been more pleasant than watching this festering glittered wound of a Hallmark movie, "A Christmas Detour." Really, it's like a violent kick in the eye from a reindeer's hoof. Like getting anally violated with a candy cane (you know with which end). Like having a piping hot mug of cinnamon apple cider thrown in your face while getting beaten in the genitals with shepherd's crooks.

Plot summary: "An anxious bride-to-be throws in with a broken-hearted guy and a happily married couple for an emergency ride to NYC, learning about each other and themselves along the way."

The anxious bride-to-be is a shrill, one note harpy who demands seat changes and hotel room upgrades– you know the kind of person at the airport you want to murder. The broken-hearted guy is a Candide-like aw-shucks optimist who takes all the flight cancellations and weather delays with an infuriating grain of salt. The happily married miserable couple look like they just stepped out of an Immodium commercial.

The invisible forces of romantic comedy, however, converge to bring him and her together in unnatural and utterly uncharming ways. 

 

DID YOU KNOW? It's not cheating if it's under mistletoe during Christmas. 

And to top it all off, they ruined my perfect score:

Romance Factor: 2 out of 10

Christmas Cheer: 1 out of 10

Overall Rating: 1.5 out of 10

Time Until First Kiss: 57:15

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I did NOT enjoy that one.

10 Questions To Ask On The TMZ Celebrity Tour

In both L.A. and New York City, TMZ has tour buses that take tourists on a trip through "The Real Hollywood." Here now are 10 questions you can ask if you choose to go on these TMZ outings:

1) Can I have my money back?

2) Is that Samuel L. Jackson? Or is that Morgan Freeman? Or Laurence Fishburne? Or Danny Glover? Or Keith David? Great God, I'm racist.

3) Wait, stop the bus! I want to take a selfie with Kate Hudson's recycling bin!

4) Do any of you cowardly paparazzi fuckers have a soul?

5) That dude who runs TMZ- the older guy who wears tight Polo shirts- he's creepy, isn't he? You can't say he's not creepy, right?

6) Why did you kill Princess Diana?

7) On the TMZ show, how come everybody sits around the office chatting and doesn't do a lick of work?

8) Are we allowed to "bag and tag" any celebrities we spot?

9) Is Kramer driving this thing?

10) Should we have pissed away our $40 at Madame Tussaud's instead?

New York, The Most Exciting City In The World

Pictured below, an old man gets directions while holding a green pepper and a dollar.

What A Wedding DJ Would Say If He Somehow Showed Up To the Gig With Nothing To Play But The Cannibal Corpse CD "Rotten Sacrifice Ceremony"

"Uh, Janet and Craig? Ha ha. Hey listen, uh, congratulations first of all, and secondly, uh, I hate to be the bringer of bad news at this time, but I seem to have forgotten to load up any music onto my laptop or in my crates in my rush to get here on time. And I realize the reception will be starting in ten minutes.

"Yeah, I don't have any music. None. Just this one CD that my nephew Josh left in the van two days ago– 'Rotten Sacrifice Ceremony' by this band called Cannibal Corpse. Josh really likes that band. You could say he's going through 'a phase,' ha ha ha.

"But listen... this is not a bad thing. All that planning of tracks and intros that we made over the last four months? I think I can pull it off with this one CD. Believe me, folks. I'm pretty good in a pinch. I really believe I can make this work. They don't call me 'The Jazzy Jeff of Poughkeepsie' for nothing! Ha ha ha.

"No, look. It will be okay, really, Janet. For example, during the cocktail hour, instead of playing old standards by Sinatra and Duke Ellington, I've been playing the track 'Vomit The Soul (Live)' on a loop for the past hour. The live track's crowd noise seems to have kept a certain energy going, as you can see- almost everyone has scrambled to the bar on the far end of the banquet hall. So it's working, see?

"Okay, so for when your bridal party comes out, instead of playing 'That's What Friends Are For,' we're going with 'Unleashing The Bloodthirsty.' Then when the parents come out, I'm going to play Cannibal Corpse's cover of the Metallica song 'No Remorse.' To show they don't regret you two marrying, see? Ha ha ha.

"Okay, Janet, I see you're getting really upset, but I assure you both, I've thought this all through for the last 20 minutes, and I've figured it all out. Relax.

"For the Father-daughter dance, I thought the track 'A Skull Full Of Maggots' could work. No, Janet? You're right- the melody is probably too uptempo for a waltz... Tell you what- we'll go with 'Hammer Smashed Face' instead.

"Of corpse...Whoops! Freudian slip there, ha ha!" Of course I've also thought of the Groom-and-Mother dance. Craig, you and your mother will dance to 'Stripped Raped And Strangled.'

"Now for the smaller details: the bouquet tossing event, which was going to use that Beyonce track 'Single Ladies,' will instead be accompanied with 'I Will Kill You.' And for the racy removing-the-bride's-garter portion, we'll be going with 'Meathook Sodomy.' I was thinking, the cake cutting ceremony would be great with Cannibal Corpse's 'Fucked With A Knife.'

"And since I have you both here, I was wondering if you could pay me the balance of $200 for my services? I know now's not the perfect time, but I know how busy you're going to be tonight, right? Ha ha."

DICK. WILL. BE. EATEN. BY. JOEL.

The trailer for "Clash of the Titans" has the least creative tagline that I've seen in a while:




Well, duh. Just shuffle the words of the title around, Mr. Copywriter. Lazy lazy.

Here are some other lazy taglines (feel free to play some over-wrought epic music whilst reading):

THE. JEDI. WILL. RETURN.

PELHAM 123. WILL. BE. TAKEN.

MISS. DAISY. WILL. BE. DRIVEN.

THE. TITANS. WILL. BE. REMEMBERED.

THE. RINGS. WILL. BE. LORDED. OVER.

A LOCKER. WILL. BE. HURT.

CONNECTICUT. WILL. UNDERGO. A. HAUNTING.

SOMETHING YOU DID LAST SUMMER. WILL BE KNOWN. BY. ME.


I don't really have a real ending to this article, so here's a miscaptioned New York Times photo that Bill Dow just sent me:


Fart casserole!

Tom Weingard's Search For a Decent Cheesesteak in NYC, Part 3

This time, Tom gets all healthy at Energy Kitchen on 2nd Ave.

The Confused NYC Tourists

Pekka: Helmi!

Helmi: What, Pekka?

Pekka: Now I am confused.

Helmi: Why are you experiencing the confusion?

Pekka: Well, not only do the streets of America flow the different way that we have accustomed to, but the street signs trick me when I drive in the Manhattan. I regret the rental automobile that we getted.

Helmi: Where is my wallet?

Pekka: And when we drive from West Side Highway to the Meatpacking Area, I follow the signs like the policeman tell me to, but then old ladies all over windshield!

Helmi: Pekka, it is not normal to drive on sidewalk.

Pekka: But I follow traffic rules. And still, old lady begging for life on hood of car! Helmi, take another photograph in case I find arrest by policemen.

(Click)

A New EADJ Monday Segment: The Confused NYC Tourists

Pekka: Helmi!

Helmi: What, Pekka?

Pekka: Can you see what I see?

Helmi: There is so much to see in New York the City. Which thing are you seeing?

Pekka: Agreed, there is an explosion of visual delights in this marvelous city. But I was specifying the looking at the one thing on the "side-walk" there.

Helmi: Ø Mein Göten!

Pekka: I know, right?

Helmi: Ø the wonders of mankind! New York the City is like a display of man's finest achievements!

Pekka: I am glad that I brought the photo-camera with us to United States for recording these marvels.

Helmi: Well, don't just stand there, take a photograph of the strange thing!

Pekka: I am still lost in wonder. Is it even real? How did it find its way there? Who helped it become that way? It is so high. perhaps it is a tall farmer's duty? So many questions.

Helmi: No time to wonder! Photograph the thing so we can show our relatives! We can discuss later, there is no time! PHOTOGRAPH IT!!!!

* click *