The ProofrEADJer, May Edition

"Lord Vaultimore?"

This Week's Asshole

Spotted at a steak house in Jersey, some classy lady wears her fur coat to the salad bar, shedding mink (maybe dog) hair all over the cucumbers, lettuce and cherry tomatoes.

Use It Or Lose It

7 Terrible Substances To Masturbate With:

1) Cayenne Pepper Sauce with Capers

2) Lava Soap

3) Liquid Nitrogen

4) The tears of a martyr's widow

5) Ironically, that shampoo that makes you cum

6) A mixture of wood shavings, ball bearings and guacamole

7) Piping hot oatmeal

(pictured above, the Hater's Ball is apparently right off the 4 & 5 express lines this year)

When I say Joel you say Eat Dick. Joel! Eat Dick! Joel! Eat Dick!

Joel toured the state, speaking to high school kids about the dangers of drinking and driving while eating dick. To each school assembly, he brought his now-famous dashboard-and-dudes-lap demo prop. He showed how difficult it was to drive and eat dick, especially while drunk and playing "Beautiful" by James Blunt on the car radio. Some kids fainted. A couple of "cool kids" laughed.

(pictured above, fur coat and pajama bottoms)