As businesses continue to go greener in order to make customers think they give a shit about the environment, EADJ has compiled a few tips for business owners so that they too can go green:
• Make double-sided copies of your ass instead of single-sided.
• If a business meeting is within walking distance, take a nice walk there instead of calling in drunk.
• Lots of companies have gone paperless with their sexual harassment complaints. You should do that, too, Sugar Tits.
• Turn off lights when they're not in use. Since your business is pretty much failing, it's probably better to just turn everything off.
• When someone sends you an email that at the bottom tells you to "reconsider the environment when printing this email," print it out TWICE, show it to them, and tell them to suck it.
• If she is available, you should hire actress Eva Green as a receptionist. Not only is her last name 'green,' but you can totally see her bush in the movie "The Dreamers."
• Think twice before letting millions of gallons of oil leak into the Gulf of Mexico, permanently damaging the ecosystem and generally being a defiant, unapologetic prick about the whole thing (BP only).
• Compact fluorescent bulbs use about 75% less energy than a traditional incandescent bulb and lasts at least 6 times longer. They'll probably be around longer than even you, Mister Shows-Up-At-10:30.
• Styrofoam is no longer acceptable packing material for packages. Try ham.
• They say Eileen's insufferable "Ei-Day" daily newsletters was a waste of paper and told her to stop. Thank God for that.
• Used coffee grounds from the break room can be recycled as fresh coffee grounds for the interns' break room.
• Using a digital projector during presentations spends an awful lot of electricity. Try keeping your slides to a maximum of one.
• Unplug your computer when in use.
• Try biking to work instead of taking the train or driving. This should increase your commute by about six hours a day!
• When tossing your personal assistant's salad, take a minute to think about what you can do to save the environment.
• Energy, unfortunately, is not equal to time. So you still have to attend all those status meetings.
• Quit your job. Join a commune. Grow hashish and just fucking
be.
