5 Surprises of VidCon 2024

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More Memorable Lines From Movies I Haven't Watched

"Lifeboats? No thanks. We're just going to pray for Jesus to save us from the demonic iceberg."

"Don't race him, Johnny! That's Dead Man's Curve!"

"I gotta do it, Wendy. For my STREET RESPECT."

"Tell your girlfriend to close her legs. It reeks up in here!"

"This was all consensual, right? WHEW!"

"Oof! Someone had Häagen-Dazs."

"If we weren't such dumb fucking humans, maybe we wouldn't rely so much on a goddamned dog to keep us alive!"

"GAAAH! Sorry back there. I had some Taco Bell."

Sorry, The Pathmark You Are Trying To Reach Is Not In Service. Sorry You Are Having Trouble. Goodbye.

A Seriously Half-Assed Garage Sale

The lovely neighbors on our street in Jersey are some lazy motherfuckers. They refuse to turn off their car alarm- which goes off at all hours, and they never answer the door when you knock on it to complain about the noise.

So it's only natural that they hold the laziest garage sale known to the Western world– without putting a single piece of furniture or table out to show merchandise, they simple got someone to open the garage door, put up a tiny sign on the stairs (that doesn't even face passing cars) and hope for the best while checking their cell phone messages. Needless to say, people weren't beating the door down to scoop up these outrageous prices.

You'll notice how a week later, they upped their game and got a SECOND sign. Man, they are racking up the receipts now.

Stay tuned next week for the latest developments in whether anyone will notice and buy that heavy bag. My money's on 'no.'

*** Edit: I just compared the two photos again, and I realized that second sign was there the FIRST week. They simply got a TALLER STICK for it! BAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH! ADVERTISING!

Holidays: Then And Now

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EADJ Song Like, Holiday Edition

Here are three really good holiday songs:

1) "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)"- Originally written by Phil Spector and performed by Darlene Love for Phil Spector's 1963 Christmas album, this short song has a great melody with a tinge of sadness.



The snow's coming down
I'm watching it fall
Watching the people around
Baby please come home

The church bells in town
They're ringing a song
What a happy sound
Baby please come home



U2 made a rousing ballad out of it; Death Cab performed it with a more plaintive tempo. And even though it's been sung by caterwauls like Mariah Carey, Cher, and Leighton Meester, the melody still holds up, which is a sign of a pretty damn good song.

2) "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas"



"Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" is a song introduced by Judy Garland in the 1944 MGM musical "Meet Me in St. Louis" offers much more than just a tinge of sadness:

From Wikipedia:
"...A family is distraught by the father's plans to move to New York City for a job promotion, leaving behind their beloved home in St. Louis, Missouri just before the long-anticipated Louisiana Purchase Exposition begins. In a scene set on Christmas Eve, Judy Garland's character, Esther, sings the song to cheer up her despondent five-year-old sister, Tootie, played by Margaret O'Brien."

The original lyrics were considered depressing by Garland and the film's director:

Have yourself a merry little Christmas, it may be your last,
Next year we may all be living in the past
Have yourself a merry little Christmas, pop that champagne cork,
Next year we will all be living in New York.

No good times like the olden days, happy golden days of yore,
Faithful friends who were dear to us, will be near to us no more.

But at least we all will be together, if the Fates allow,
From now on we'll have to muddle through somehow.
So have yourself a merry little Christmas now.

Thankfully, songwriter Hugh Martin changed the lyrics to be more upbeat. But the melody still retains that sadness.

3) "The Christmas Song (Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire)" by Mel Torme



Okay, this one is a no brainer. The entire song paints an idyllic landscape of Christmas imagery, tying at all up at the end as a greeting to you, the listener. Although covered by pretty much every recording artist out there, including Twisted Sister, Gloria Estefan, The Cheetah Girls, and Alvin and the Chipmunks, this bulletproof song is pleasant to hear and can get anyone in the Christmas spirit.


Okay, those were three good Christmas songs. Everything else, I am fucking sick of hearing.

A Special Message From His Holiness, Swami Yaro

Wassup bitches!

A most holy and heartfelt greeting to everyone in this blessed Hai Komanci season.

Hai Komanci is a time for meditation, fasting, and checking out 50 Cent's new album, "Before I Self Destruct," featuring "Baby By Me (featuring Ne-Yo)." Darker and harder than his last two releases, the album is a return to the roots and feel of 50 Cent's debut album, 2003's `Get Rich Or Die Trying', which went on to sell 12 million copies worldwide. On top of that, the Deluxe CD/DVD edition includes a bonus DVD that contains a full length feature film of the same name.

Personally, I'm glad 50 finally walked away from the auto-tuned synth vocals and went back to the sing-song rapping that made him famous. I believe in the spirituality of the universe, and that universe punished his album "Curtis" because it relied too much on chart-ready vocals and guest appearances that diluted his raw delivery.

On track 7, "Crime Wave," he asserts his street knowledge and rhyme genius with the verse:

Pistol pop, drop the top, burn baby burn
Revolvers spin' again and again and niggas never learn
Got an itchy itchy, itchy itchy trigger finger, nigga
So if you hit me then you get me.. I'll be back to get ya
Man, I might bring the homies, that's necessary
See, you might not be worried, but I think you should worry
the bullets come in flurries.. they sting, you know you buried
yeah! I do away with 9 niggas in 9 days
my 9 sprays, wish it, don't go my way
hold it sideways.. fuck around, cause a crime wave

Again, a blessed Hai Komanci season to you and your family.

A Message Of Love and Peace From His Holiness, Swami Yaro

Hello, my friends.

We have crossed the threshold of change in this country, change that has sent waves of love and peace throughout all corners of the world. It is with much gladness that I bring you this joyful message of renewal:

Chill out. I mean, embrace your wholeness and its connection with the universe. I first said 'chill out' because it was the first thing that came to my mind, seeing how I was listening to some Rick Ross mixtape 10 minutes before writing this. Pretty bangin'. But what I meant to say was find your inner beauty and share it with the collective soul of the world.

No, not "collective soul." That sounds like that shitty band from the 90's. Shared soul? The shared soul we all share? Dammit, I'm kind of new at this, so you're gonna have to cut me some slack here. I keep digressing into mentioning musical acts (but do check out that new Rick Ross mixtape).

What I meant to say was, just do it. Or just let go. Try breathing. Is that what I'm trying to say? Hold on. Let me look at my notes...


Yeah, I'm back. What my message to you is, feel the burn. Image is nothing, taste is everything. Push it real good. Do it for the children. Vote or die. Tuna wrap with cheese, no onions. Eat my pussy.

No, that's the wrong page. My bad.

You know, let me just speak from the heart- we must come in contact with a higher intelligence in order for us to feel spiritually aware of ourselves and our brethren. By focusing in on a benevolent good within our souls, we can project that beauty throughout our lives and onto all other beings.


Oh, HELL NAW, Pewter Bear. You don't show up for months and months on this blog (thank God), but then you run all up on MY bit here? Naw, I ain't having this shit at all, son. People fucking hate you for a reason, and now I know why- you're a shitstain of a hanger-on suckup with no friends and nothing to say to nobody. FUCK, you're making me want to bust out my 9 and vent your sorry fucking ass.


You know, I hate you so much, I can't even talk to you right now. I'm just going to turn my back, and you can go away. And if I turn back around, and your miserable, whiny sorry excuse for a fucking self is still there, I'm gonna run up and cut you in the neck. I swear I will. I got the knife right here, bitch.

....


........


Okay, well, that's all for today. Check in later on for more of my teachings of peace and love. Until then, check out Rick Ross' new mixtape "Still Hustlin" out now. Shit is hot, y'all.

A sacred blessing to all of you, my friends.

Joel's Terrible Predictions, 2009

Some of you may not know that Joel is an amateur prognosticator. Joel has studied extensively under his holiness Swami Yaro for the past four years and this week has been certified by the California Board of Prediction and Guessing. The ceremony was a quiet affair held at the Gurnee Mills Mall in Milwaukee, WI with such attendees as pet psychic Bree Cotton, massage therapist Sanja Washburn and Rupaul.


As part of his certification, Swami Yaro has asked Joel to announce his predictions for the upcoming year through March 24, 2010. Here is a list of Joel's predictions:

• Later this year, scientists will find out where all the missing bumblebees have gone- to 146 Oak Street, Andover, Ohio.

• Actor Timothy Hutton will suffer a setback when he forgets his keys in either a Subway deli or a hooker's vagina.

• Filmmaker Jim Jarmusch, although widely known to favor black shirts, will decide to wear a dark red shirt in November.

• It will rain fetuses somewhere in the continental United States. Maybe Canada.

• The Old Bridge Deli will close due to nonpayment of taxes (1:1 shot)

• Joel's chimp servant Chad Yarborough will NOT do the dishes the entire month of April (prove me wrong, Chad!!!!!!!)

• All Circuit City stores will mysteriously close their doors for some unknown reason. Nobody will ever find out why.

• CNN host Nancy Grace will go missing. Nobody will be there to obsess over the sordid details.

• Dragonforce drummer Dave Mackintosh will continue to rock as hard as he ever has. You can put money in the bank on that prediction, baby cheeks.

• Pain will continue to hurt.

• Shaquille O' Neal will kill and eat the Michelin Man. CONFIRMED!

• 21 Red. C'mon, 21 Red.

• Joel's gym will wonder what happened to that hair dryer that was bolted down in the men's locker room. But they will not ask Joel.