The ProofrEADJer: End of August Edition

Things To Watch Out For When Buying a Justice League-Branded Pen

Zack Snyder's mediocre Justice League movie has come and gone, but its merchandising slug trail remains. But if you're keen on purchasing a Justice League 888 Infinite Collection pen from the Swiss  company Caran d’Ache, you're in luck. But here are some pros and cons of buying one of these expensive writing tools ($9.99/each):

Hero Pen: The Flash

Pros: Pop the button, and the nib instantly appears!

Cons: Runs out of ink fast

Hero Pen: Superman

Pros: Almost indestructible

Cons: Quits after three movies

Hero Pen: Wonder Woman

Pros: Survives for decades

Cons: Doesn't have pockets to store

Hero Pen: Aquaman

Pros: Waterproof

Cons: Pointless

Hero Pen: Batman

Pros: Writes nice and dark

Cons: Cannot physically draw a smiley face

Hero Pen: Cyborg

Pros: Lots of working mechanical parts

Cons: Cries like a mangled teenager

25 Days of Hallmark Movies, Day 8: "Christmas At The Palace"

There should be a special subgroup of Hallmark movies with royalty. It's the standard romantic wish fulfillment fantasy with a huge helping of plain ol' greed on top of it. Only in these movies do you see such handsome, rich, incredibly AVAILABLE princes who are just looking for that special American girl who can see beyond his incredible riches to appreciate the real him, and then share in his incredible riches. Dream on, Amber.

Romance Factor: 6 out of 10

Christmas Cheer: 6 out of 10

Overall Rating: 6 out of 10

Time Until First Kiss: 01:22:37

Looks Legit

Pictured above, spotted in Milburn, New Jersey, what looks to be a woodland animal kidnapper van.

What The Hell Do *You* Know About Lobsterfest®

As tradition dictates, I've downed four gimlets and a Boddingtons to prepare for this latest entry of Lobsterfest:

It's time to break out your maracas and butter your bongos, because Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster is once again in full swing. We've literally cooked up these latest lobster meat offerings to satisfy your appetite, and fuck if we'll take no for an answer this time. Try these latest crustaceanal meal deals:

• We steal a bobsled from a nearby ski resort and load it up with cratefuls of lobster. We strap you down at the bottom of our special lobster run with a barrel of butter and release the bobsled at the top. You are then given the choice of either "accepting the meat" or answering some very difficult trivia questions about Downton Abbey. Your fate is your own! Nobody I've spoken to knows why that couldn't pass as a way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster.

• We hand some really massive jumbo shrimp to a very small midget dressed like a Red Lobster waiter. He carries the shrimp in his arms to your table and tells you it's a lobster. You start wondering if you haven't somehow grown to giant-size in the course of your meal and absentmindedly leave a $50 tip on a $23 bill. That there is one lucrative way for us Red Lobster servers to enjoy serving lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• NBC cancels the fuck-awful show "Whitney."

•  We round up the surviving members of the Kennedy family and bring them (by force if necessary) to our restaurant. Common folk like you can now dine on scrumptious lobster patties and seafood Newberg with fancy Kennedy types like you always wanted to. We'll even change the sign out front to say "Camelot" for the duration of your meal and pretend the whole thing is one northeastern lobster boil in Martha's Vineyard. Then when it's over we'll drive the Kennedy family back to their respective homes where they can weep in peace. Damn, that's a great way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• You know about snuff? Well, we pulverize lobster into a fine powder so it's consumable in swift pinches up the nose. Then you and your friends can act like gentlemen with your topcoats and monocles and spats and shit, snorting fine lobster and having a jolly good time like a bunch of hoity toity patricians. What a delightfully cultured way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• Share a moment with us in our new "Lobster Lounge," a welcoming, inviting refuge from the hectic work-a-day pace of your typical Red Lobster restaurant. Relax to music by Yanni and Kitaro as we rub buttered lobster paste into the knotted problem areas of your back, thighs, and rectum. Find yourself a better way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster, and you'll get $5 off your next visit to the Lobster Lounge!

How The Mighty Van Halen.

Spotted in CVS, one of the coolest guitar paint jobs in the history of rock 'n roll is relegated to a lousy paint chip for some broadway play Press On nails.