The ProofrEADJer: Wake Me Up When September Ends Edition

What The Man On the Box For An Outdoor Mat Is Thinking

You little shit.

You think just because you're 3 years old and adorable, you can hog the whole shoot? Well, I hate to break it to you, kid, but this isn't a photoshoot for a "kids only outdoor mat." No sirree. We are supposed to depict a family of three together on the mat. This isn't your big break or a springboard to your own Netflix series, you little twerp.

Oh, I do see your real mommy standing by the craft service table (which I'm surprised they even have for a still shoot, impressive!) coaching you to emote and exude and act the part or whatever, but face it, kid. This is not an acting gig- we are mannequins who look the fucking part.

At least they think we look the part. You actually look a little Asian to me, so I guess Martha here and me adopted you or kidnapped you or whatever. I'm not sure about the backstory here. What I do know is that I will strangle you with this sock monkey if you ruin this for me. I sure as hell need this $75, and you turning this into "Star Search" isn't going to help me any.

"Star Search." It's a talent show from way back. Forget it.

Let's Throw the EADJ Mail Sack in the Washing Machine Even Though It Clearly Says "Dry Clean Only!"

Submitted by Beth Stone, some seriously pandering advertising from Pepsi, spotted in Boston over the weekend:

Static!

Static shock in the Thomas household!

Due to very dry weather in the L.A. area, the air in Joel's apartment has gotten very susceptible to static shock. It only makes things worse that Joel chooses to traipse around his apartment in nothing but wool socks. Sure, it's sexy, but dangerous!

Just yesterday afternoon Joel walked from his dick-eating bench in the office/guest room to the kitchen to make himself a smoothie. When he touched the blender, it sent a static shock so severe he spoke Spanish briefly:

"¡Que pasa! Estática que conmocionó al infierno de mí!"

Joel's chimp servant Chad Yarboro has been smart enough to avoid the floor altogether, swinging from sconce to sconce like my balls on Joel's chin.

Next Monday it's supposed to rain, so Joel will go sockless this weekend.

(pictured above, I can't tell if the t-shirt is being ironic or not. Your thoughts, reader?)


Wow. We haven't heard from you in like, forever, Pewter Bear. Man was that a long, wonderful period of no weak-ass pussiness. Seeing your stupid, hateable, smashable face again makes us realize that your death would be the greatest celebration this hemisphere has ever witnessed. FUCK OFF.

Best Ad Ever. Of the Week.

Keys to awesomeness:

1) Bizarre use of Myriad Pro (why is prostate cancer upside down?)

2) Some sort of weird play on words for "Gentlemen prefer blondes?!?!"

3) Misusing the verb tense for "gentleman."

Apparently Cola is editing again.

***UPDATE: For a riveting, hypnotic look at the entire campaign in Quicktime form, click here.

Awwwwww!

(pictured above, Mel and Jessica pay IM status homage to one another. It's like a digital hug!)

*** UPDATE: Mel has informed us that despite the big ol' lovefest, Jessica still can't spell "Kreilein" right.

Poo Bags!

In a bizarre turn of events, Joel had the chance to meet beleaguered female rapper Remy Ma.

Joel was innocently shopping at Fatbeats on Melrose, looking for some new breakbeats to eat dick to, when in comes Remy Ma and her entourage! Remy Ma was in L.A. for an interview with Source magazine. She had to return to New York in a few days to face charges of shooting a friend over $2000.

Joel immediately recognized her and started spouting some crap about him being her number one fan and whatever, and Remy wasn't having it. Joel was also blocking the section she was trying to browse through, so she got all "Whut?" and Joel was all like "You're the best or whatever!" Then Remy started reaching for her gat, then Joel pissed his pants and went home without buying that new breakbeat compilation from Mixman.

(pictured above, J'Net does a pretty good job writing her own bio for work, except for the fact that she misspells the name of the agency she works for. She must have gotten Duvall's friend Cola to edit it.)

So much to enjoy here.

I found this document among some old papers when packing for New York. It's some sort of press release I was given at a Kinko's in San Francisco. And it's real– I remember talking to the guy at the Kinko's.

Click on the picture to read the whole thing before continuing onto our comments. It's definitely worth it.


Okay, finished? Good. To tackle comments on this bad boy, we're going to have to break it down into categories. Here goes:


HORRIFIC SPELLING



First of all, being a fashion designer in California and misspelling FRED SEGAL is inexcusable. Then misspelling important clients' names like Sheila E., Shari Belafonte, Arsenio Hall, Oaktown's 357, Ace Deuce, and Rappin' 4-Tay is pretty awful, too. This press release was written in November 2001, and I'm pretty sure the Internet was around then, so one could have checked. I lay most of the blame on "Cola," who apparently edited this thing. But how shitty an editor do you have to be to misspell Duvall's own name THREE TIMES in the copy? Wait a minute. Maybe Duvall's name is really spelled "Duval," and Cola misspelled it five times. No, let's just give Cola the benefit of the doubt here.



MC HAMMER'S "DIPPER" PANTS



I guess in the back of my mind at one time in 1990 I did wonder who the hell came up with those enormous pants. Who knew that 11 years later I would come face to face with the guy who puts it as #1 in his portfolio? "World-shattering," indeed. I imagine that Spike DDB got Duvall's help in recreating the Dipper pants for this Superbowl Lay's Potato Chips commercial in 2005:



PUNANY POETS

Okay, for once Cola didn't completely screw up a client's name (except for the word 'troupe'). And a quick Google check verified that the Punany Poets are indeed still in business! It's unknown whether they still sport Duvall's provocative fashions during their performances, however. The Poon Tang Minstrels and The Gaping Vajhole Storytellers couldn't be reached for comment.
Punany Poets Online
Punany Poets on myspace

THE ALBUM COVER


I gotta admit, the "Dipper" pants were pretty ridiculous, but for some reason the outfits that blaxploitation legend Max Julien and Rappin' 4-Tay are wearing are pretty sweet. Maybe it's the fact that it's all white. Or that the jackets drape over the jodhpur-like thighs. And the name "Alpha-male" is a delightful euphemism for pimp. Sweet.

A pretty exhaustive Google and Hotbot search for "Duvall," "MC Hammer" and even "Dipper pants" turned up nothing. Duvall's obscurity may be attributed to his now-outdated designs, but I believe his fame was ultimately screwed from the get-go by poorly edited press releases. Nice going, Cola.


**** LIKE, MAJOR MAJOR UPDATE!!!!!! ****
Andrew Gall found a designer named Duvall on myspace!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Seriously. I think this earns Andrew Gall EADJ's first ever Adamantium Mollusk Award.

Link

There's a 99.9999% chance that this is him. Jeez, look at all the powerful friends he has– the Obamas, the Cosbys, Rev. Jesse Jackson, Mayor Daley...it looks like Cola was a nonfactor after all! TUUUUUUU!