Scaring People Away for Only $5

Pictured above, Five Below offers a way for Old Man Jenkins to keep meddling kids from snooping around their abandoned diamond mine.

"Thinking Of You"- A Subtle Gift

Nothing says you want to bone like sending thick shafts of meat to the one you love.

8 Fairly Recent Bruce Willis Posters, Presented In Order of Increasing Bruce Willis-ness

Movie: Vice (2012)

Bruce Willis-ness: A low, embarrassing 2. His vacant stare and loose jaw makes him look distracted by a nearby cat on the shelf licking himself. No bad-assness at all.

Movie: Vice (2015)

Bruce Willis-ness: A tepid 3. He's got the stare, but his lips aren't pursed with that sense of resolve and purpose; he almost looks constipated here.

Movie: The Prince (2014)

Bruce Willis-ness: Now you're talking! I much improved 6 here. He's staring down pieces of debris this time, mouth firm and set in the shape of a Playstation controller. Better!

Movie: Extraction (2015)

Bruce Willis-ness: We're looking at a 7 here. Bruce is in the zone now, baby! Eyes and jaw set, but without a gun his folded hands make him look like a church usher.

Movie: First Kill (2017)

Bruce Willis-ness: Another 7. Holy shit, Bruce is sharing a poster with Darth Vader! Even without a gun, he got his game face and he's rocking a law enforcement badge. Ready to kick ass.

Movie: Marauders (2016)

Bruce Willis-ness: 7.5. STILL without a gun, but this time with facial hair. Bruce clenches his jaw and is suited up to bring grief to the bad guys. Yeah, I wrote that!

Movie: Once Upon A Time In Venice (2017)

Bruce Willis-ness: A solid 9. It must be said that although the intent of a good Bruce Willis face isn't to look like a smart-ass, it's a very welcome accident. Here he looks both tough and about to say something to really piss off the substitute teacher.

Movie: A Good Day To Die Hard (2013)

Bruce Willis-ness: 10! Perfection. Leather. Gun. Scars. Game face with a touch of smart-ass, SIDE LIT by motherfucking flames! Too bad the movie is 100% shit.

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto On How To Plant Peppers

Planting peppers in your own garden is easy. Just follow these steps:

Step 1: Prepare the ground with a tiller or turning fork. Work a 3- to 5-inch layer of compost or other organic matter into the soil to a depth of 8 of 10 inches. Using your trowel, dig a planting hole just deep enough to cover the root-ball of the plant. Space holes 18 inches apart for most peppers; some of the larger bells may need 24 inches.

Step 2: Drench the biodegradable pot until it turns dark brown. Gently peel off the bottom of the pot so that the roots will be in direct contact with the soil.

Step 3: Set the plant in the hole so that the top of the root-ball is level with the ground surface. Do not plant deeply like tomatoes, or the plants may rot. Make sure to bury the top rim of the pot so that there is nothing to stick up above the ground after planting.

Step 4: Sprinkle plant food around the plant and in the soil that will go back into the hole. Whichever fertilizer you choose, be sure to follow label directions.

Step 5: Backfill the hole. When you are done, gently pat the soil around the roots to avoid air pockets, and water thoroughly. This is very important to help settle the soil and start the plant. If desired, add plant food to the water to give your plants a boost.

Step 6: Mulch with pine needles, straw, or compost to help keep moisture in the soil and prevent weeds.

And speaking of needles and weed, I have a strict policy about drug use in my limousine: IF I CAN'T SEE IT, I can't report it to the police. You hear me, kids? Ride smart.

EADJ Proudly Presents "KAW!"

"KAW!" (We know it doesn't have an exclamation point, but we like putting one in there) took everything you liked about Hitchcock's "The Birds" and everything you liked about "Boondock Saints," then chucked that and put together what was left into a middling sub-average horror movie.

Killer crows. That's about as fun, simple and telegraphic a concept as you're ever going to get in Hollywood. But I believe the reason why this movie fails is that it overreaches its genre boundaries, trying to make a huge important statement of the dangers of tampering with nature, attributing the crows' murderous behavior to Mad Cow Disease (yes, I'm serious) and generally just bumming the viewer out. And where are the scarecrow jokes? Fucking lighten up, anonymous director!

Anyways, here's the crow's crap of a movie for your enjoyment: 

Overall grade: F


Stay tuned for the Tom Weingard-ized version of this review!